music, books, love and kindness

As I begin writing this, I am not sure at all if am going to end up posting it and if I do post it, if I will keep it up very long. For now I am not planning on it because I am really, really emotional right now and I have always done my best (whenever possible, but not always as much as I wish I had) to not act on my feelings, especially when I feel like this. I think maybe that loneliness and confusion are really driving me right now. 

Until just a few years ago, I never really felt that lonely. I mean sure I would, from time to time, but never this much and certainly never this deep...a loneliness so deep it leaves tons of room for my anxiety to fall right into it. My loneliness gets worse and stronger the worse my insomnia is and it gives me a lot of time to think about things I do not want to, especially when music and books, the two things I rely most on in the world to pull me out of myself, do not help. This past week my loneliness has been almost crippling, with the added pain of confusion over overwhelming feelings that have continued to build inside me no matter how I fight them off.

I would explain the situation that is causing this but it would sound so nonsensical and 'out of this world' that if it were a novel the reader would just not buy what is happening. I do think that I may continue blogging, after all, because I just need these words to go out into the universe since I cannot send them to the person I want to :(