We read to know we are not alone--C.S. Lewis

Despite thinking to myself that I can be alright with my parents not accepting me being gay, I still have these periods of intense sadness where I feel isolated and even "sick" (a word my mom uses to describe gay people) about myself. And I have no close friends who are gay I can talk about things with and who will truly understand and not think I am different because I am a woman who wants to fall in love with a woman who could love me back and with whom I could grow old. 

I once had a friend tell me he was okay with me being gay as long as I did not talk about it...as if my saying the day gay marriage became a reality in Maryland, back in 2012, that I wanted to meet someone and fall in love was somehow 'filthy' or not the same as his wanting to meet a woman and get married, a right he has always had as a straight man and that he has never had to fight for or even think about.

So, I continue to seek out fiction that can speak to me, fiction that can really, really understand that not all of us have understanding and gay friendly family and friends here in 2015:

"Despite the gains that the LGBTQ movement has made across the planet, many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and otherwise queer youth growing up feeling like they are damaged, evil, dirty, and—perhaps most traumatically—alone."--from the introduction to Heiresses Russ 2011

 

from "Ghost of a Horse Under a Chandelier": 

Zillah finds she can’t stand being in love. She gets angry. The infuriating uncertainty. The not knowing. She mutters that it’s not fair. If only she could know what Joy feels; if her thoughts were written in bubbles above her head, or spelled out in capital letters under every scene. Zillah has nothing, no proof of love. 

And as far as love itself goes, you can be gay or straight and feel like the character above...