Never has a book hit so uncomfortably close to my truth...I want to keep reading and yet I do not...

The story of she who shall go nameless is real, but cannot be told. I must have started it fifty different times, but because I care so much I just can't get it right. I have the words, but I don't have the words, they are in my heart, but I can't dig them out. They most likely should stay there anyway...and I know, I know SO much, that they must be ignored or forgotten, but they refuse to be😔I love a woman who does not love me: big deal, not to anyone else, but to me it really is and all I can do is just keep it to myself, steer clear of her whenever I can and be the mature woman I know I am way deep down inside.

How I feel when I am with my cat  :)

I have made SO many mistakes in my life, some of them worse, but none of them more painful than my not being able to let go of my feelings for a woman in whose world I have no meaning at all, not even the smallest of ones. I pray every day and still they stay.

One top of this and yet not really related because it is a different kind of pain and something I can manage better, no matter how frustrating and hurtful it is is a vent that may seem like something little, but is something big to those of who continue to be misunderstood by friends and family and even,in general, society...

I am tired of words like 'sexual minority' and 'sexual preference/orientation'...so sick and disheartened. I am a lesbian, yes, but I am also a virgin and I do not truly know what sex is. I do not consider myself a very sexual person, I am certainly not sexy or sensual in any kind of way nor am I considered that way by anyone else.

Until our society, both liberal and conservative, stop thinking of gays and lesbians in almost exclusively sexual terms there will never truly be any freedom from homophobia. I cannot not be a lesbian, if that makes sense, but I can not be sexual. I never have been and considering no one has ever seen me that way and I know nothing about (personally as opposed to reading about it) sex I most likely never will be. 

When it comes to gay people and statements (often said, I would like to think, with well-meaning intentions) like "I don't care what two people do in their bedroom") we still have a long to go in seeing gay people first as people who love other people. Sex, for many of us who are gay or lesbian, is secondary or most likely even further down the list of who we are.

I am not returning to blogging because I think I have anything important to say. There is so much I want to say that I should just keep to myself...but keeping things to myself feels so very lonely and keeping one's deep and loving and even pure feelings for another soul (feelings that must never, ever be revealed because they are not returned) to one's self is even harder and hurts even more.


That is just is one of many reasons why Henry, my cat whom I first met and just knew was meant to be in my life one very special day in June, is the best furry companion anyone could ever ask for and makes me smile, even on the worst of days. There are so many benefits to adopting a pet and bringing him or her into your life. And they bring so much goodness and light into your life you really have to wonder if it was not they who rescued you instead of the other way around.