Lately, I feel like the "Q" in LGBTQ just as much as I do the "L," the Q part being I question why I don't want to read lesfic anymore, why some of it even turns me off, more than I care to admit. I know I'm a lesbian, even though I don't want to be, but I'm not sure I'm the kind of lesbian you think of when you think of lesbians.

I ask myself: would I still be wary of and avoid physical contact if I were pretty and not so rigid in how I feel about intimacy strictly being for marriage? I firmly believe (no matter what) in love coming before sex and in loving being fulfilled in that way only in the most committed and deep of relationships, which (to me) comes through marriage.

Still, there is a large amount of discomfort and extreme guilt within me when I read detailed "love scenes" in lesfic. The casual sex ones especially bother me, though even the loving "we waited to get to know each other" ones can alarm me.

This is not politically correct to say, but I have never been okay with my being gay. I still believe I'm going to Hell someday, even though I have never "acted" on my feelings. 

To hold one to committed celibacy is something I can understand conservative Christians expecting, but I also see a problem with that because I think being gay is about much more than sex and "acting on" any kind of physical desire.

I used to believe in the power of journaling and that it could be as close to therapy without actually going to therapy. I would write myself out of my pain, I told myself, and things would change. But no amount of self-analysis, no amount of the most sincere and authentic words, onscreen or on paper, can change how you feel when it's as if the feelings are deeply, deeply imbedded inside you. 

I want to stop feeling this way about the person I feel so much for...I know I am being completely ridiculous, that there are other kinds of intense pain much more worthy, if that makes sense. There are people out in the world, people I know personally, who are deeply suffering for very concrete, very real reasons and yet I am in pain over someone who would most likely be horrified if she knew, someone I can't even call a friend.

It's amazing, though (I think) how much better you can get at hiding how you feel, at hiding the things that bother and hurt you beyond repair, how you can go on long after you don't want to go on. Not just with unrequited emotions, but with other ones as well. People may think you're fine, they even comment on how happy you look, but inside you're completely different. 

This is, for the most part, pretty good. As long as you're not bottling things up, I think it's important to put your game face on and try and get through the day as best you can. It's better to come across as a Tigger than it is an Eeyore. 

I don't say this lightly nor condescendingly, as someone once said this to me when I was really down and not even bothering to hide it...and for me this was the equivalent of being told to "calm down," which I find to be one of the most absolute, absolute worst things to tell someone, right up there with "chin up" or "it'll get better, smile."

The thing is, though, it really is better to be a Tigger than an Eeyore...it's just a matter of finding the strength and the power to get there and that is very, very, very hard.