I'm on a break at work and I just checked my pet cam to look in on my cat. I do this about three times a day over an eight hour period but I am not fanatical about it. I do so because I like to make sure my cat seems okay and I miss him. 

My cat has a human name so when I talk about him and someone happens to overhear who doesn't know Henry is a cat they can get a funny Mr.Furley expression on their face.

One time I was telling someone a few years ago I couldn't get Henry to join me in bed and someone else commented "is that appropriate conversation for work?" It was much funnier in the moment than it is in talking about it now, but anyone who knows me at all knows I don't talk about sex at work, much less anywhere else.

Anyway, I love Henry as much as I would a human and there two people in my life for which this gives them great concern and a big need to tell me how misguided I am to love an animal so much.

If I am misguided, so be it. Animals, more than ever, often make better companions than a lot of humans do.

In three days it will be six weeks since I last drank wine and I'm surprised at how much I don't miss it. After all, I went for more than five years drinking it pretty much every day unless I were sick or recuperating from my broken wrist. 

Even going in the liquor store on my most indifferent days I still always felt a tiny bit of shame, the smells of the bottles hitting my nose obnoxiously even when I didn't think they were. And if I ever saw an adult accompanied with small children I would think back to my childhood, when my mom would take my sister and me with her to get wine.

I look back now as if it has been years instead of weeks without and I wonder what I was thinking and doing all that time and what I can do with the shame. I absolutely despised alcohol from an early age and never touched a drop until I was in my 40s, when I apparently began to make up for lost time.

Because my health has improved and I seem to be losing some weight, though not as much as I had hoped, I am determined to take dry January into all of 2025. I joked with some friends when Trump won that 2025 would be a terrible time to give up wine, but now I realize it really is the best time to do so. I have a feeling a lot of us are going to need all our wits about us.

In his book, The Cruelty Is the Point: Why Trump's America Endures, Adam Serwer, an award-winning journalist at The Atlantic, presents a compelling argument that the cruelty witnessed during Donald Trump's presidency is not an anomaly but a reflection of deeply entrenched dynamics in American history. Serwer's essays dissect the most devastating moments in recent memory, revealing patterns as old as the country itself.

One of the central themes of the book is that Trump is not the cause of America's issues but a symptom. This perspective is particularly relevant as we observe the ongoing political and social landscape since Trump began his second term as president The January 6 insurrection, anti-immigrant sentiment, and American authoritarianism all have historic roots that explain their continued power, with or without Trump.

Serwer's phrase "the cruelty is the point" resonates across centuries, encapsulating the intentional infliction of harm on political opponents that has become a hallmark of Trumpism. This cruelty is evident in Trump's handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, where his refusal to address the crisis adequately was seen as a racist act, sacrificing the lives of disproportionately Black and Brown workers to fuel the economy.

Since Trump's return to the presidency, his administration has continued to push policies that reflect this cruelty. From mass layoffs at the U.S. nuclear weapons agency to the controversial handling of immigration and tariffs on steel and aluminum, Trump's second term has been marked by actions that many see as harmful and divisive.

The relevance of Serwer's book today lies in its ability to connect past and present, urging readers to confront the brutal realities of American history and politics. As we navigate the complexities of Trump's second term, it becomes increasingly important to recognize the patterns of cruelty and injustice that have long been part of the American experience.

 

I just finished the first season of School Spirits and I am floored by both the plot twists and the emotions. The show is way, way, way better than I could ever capture here.

There are so many things about the show I could write about if I had the right words, but one thing I want to talk about briefly is how I see ghosts as being deeply connected to the theme of closure and the heartbreak of not finding it for decades, if ever.

One of the ghost characters deeply regrets how things ended up with the boy he loved in high school. 28 years later, he finds himself writing a letter to “the love of his life” and hopes that he can both forgive and be forgiven for things that transpired when they were students in the mid-1990s. It’s a credit to both the actors and the writing and the atmospheric feel of the scene that it is touching and heartbreaking instead of creepy.

Boy, did this hit hard, both personally and because the show is just so good at pulling on your heart strings. My own situation is completely different and obviously I’m not a ghost. But I see the theme of being haunted (by something you did years and years ago) as something that can happen to a person who is alive or not alive. It’s one reason I think having ghosts and high school connected works so well and beautifully in School Spirits.

Whether we’re invisible in high school or we’re an adult years later and are stuck on things that happened to us as teenagers, we don’t need to be an actual ghost to be haunted or haunting.

More and more lately I see laugh emojis weapon used on Facebook as hate and I just have to wonder what is wrong with people. 

It’s really disheartening to see something as seemingly harmless as the laugh emoji being used to mock and belittle others, especially when it comes to serious issues like politics and LGBTQ+ rights. 

Unfortunately, some people seem to derive satisfaction from trolling and spreading negativity. It reflects a lack of empathy and respect for others.

 

Oh my gosh, is Good Day Chocolate Calm a great way to relax. Ever since I gave up wine I’ve been trying to find another way to chill at the end of the day and I think I have found something that works.

It almost feels prescription-strength strong, kind of like the OxyContin I took last year when I broke my wrist.

 “Every one is haunted by something.”-Maddie

School Spirits(Season 1) mixes supernatural mystery with heartfelt teen drama and follows Maddie, a spirited student trapped in the afterlife at her high school. As she navigates her ghostly existence, she teams up with fellow spectral peers to unravel the mystery of her sudden disappearance, all while grappling with unresolved emotions and connections to the living world. 

The season surprises with its sharp writing, balancing suspense and emotional depth, and subverts expectations by weaving a twisty, tightly paced narrative that keeps viewers hooked. Anchored by strong performances—particularly its charismatic lead—the show explores themes of identity, loss, and resilience, delivering both spine-tingling intrigue and poignant moments.

I am pleasantly startled by just how much I love this show so far and I can’t wait to keep watching more episodes and start season two. I think one reason I like it so much is that the show speaks to a part of me that’s never quite let go of high school completely,  even though I didn’t particularly enjoy high school.

It’s funny because it also kind of ties into a book I’m currently reading: _My Best Friend’s Exorcism_ by Grady Hendrix, A wonderful ode to the 1980s, which is the time I was in high school.

 

Every year on this day of February 4th I always think of Karen Carpenter and how she left this earth too soon. It's not just any future music we lost, but also that we lost a kind and funny person and that she left this earth too soon because of the ravages of anorexia nervosa.

In  Why Karen Carpenter Matters, the author writes about something she calls “the Karen effect,” being “the capacity to make you feel something, to make you believe in a spiritual undoing and trembling beneath the polished arpeggios and vacuum-sealed harmonies.” She speaks for many fans, I am sure, in describing the distinct sound of one of the most gifted vocalists of all time.

Author Karen Tongson (named after the singer) is a Filipino-American cultural critic, writer, and queer studies scholar. In this moving and often riveting half memoir/half biography she intertwines cultural analysis and personal anecdotes, creating a rich mix of insight and emotion into the life of Karen Carpenter.

The Carpenters’ music was immensely popular in the Philippines and other parts of Asia during the 1970s and beyond. Their songs had a significant impact on Filipino culture, and Tongson grew up with a deep appreciation for their music.“To be corny is to be mawkishly old-fashioned; tiresomely simple and sentimental,” Tongson writes, explaining part of the reason of her love for Karen Carpenter, who ultimately became the tether to the Philippines.

Tongson also navigates the sensitive topic of Karen’s eating disorder with grace, shedding light on the societal pressures that contributed to Karen’s tragic struggle. She emphasizes that Karen’s story is not just one of personal struggle, but a reflection of the larger issues women faced during that era, and still to this day, a powerful reminder of the need for compassion and understanding.

One of the most striking aspects of Why Karen Carpenter Matters is its examination of the intersection of race, gender, and music. Tongson studies the ways in which Karen Carpenter’s voice transcended cultural boundaries and challenged stereotypes, making her an unexpected icon in the LGBTQ+ community. Karen’s voice, as the writer beautifully describes, became a “sonic balm” for those who found solace and identity in her music.

I have loved the Carpenters since I was a kid and find Why Karen Carpenter Matters to be one of the most authentic and soulful nonfiction reads ever, not just on Karen Carpenter, but on any person or subject. I can still feel sad when I hear a song of hers on the radio or my music streaming, but that doesn’t take away the power or comfort or loveliness of one of the most sincere voices I have ever heard in music. From all accounts written about her, from everything friends of hers have said, Karen was a fun and funny woman, sweet and a genuine person.

For more about the Carpenters:

Carpenters: The Musical Legacy is an enchanting journey through the timeless melodies of Karen and Richard Carpenter. There are lots of fascinating tidbits about recording sessions and songs chosen for albums and what Karen and Richard thought about their music and about music in general.

Lead Sister: the Story of Karen Carpenter is well-worth tracking down. A 2023 release, it takes a more artistic look at her life and how much more there was to her in her musical life than that magical voice. Karen herself once said that she thought of herself as a drummer who sang, not a singer who played the drums. I think she would like this book a lot.

I miss the tv show "Fringe" so much. I wish I had more time for fan fiction, but there never seems to be enough time for everything.

The Case of the Missing Jell-O

Walter Bishop stood in the middle of the lab, his hands on his hips, staring at the empty spot on the counter where his prized lime Jell-O had been just moments ago. His brow furrowed, and he turned to Astrid, who was typing away at her computer, oblivious to the crisis at hand.

"Astrid!" Walter exclaimed, his voice tinged with both panic and indignation. "My Jell-O is gone!"

Astrid looked up from her screen, blinking. "What do you mean, gone? Did you eat it and forget again?"

Walter shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no. I distinctly remember placing it right here, next to the centrifuge. It was a perfect specimen—wobbly, yet firm. And now it's vanished!"

Astrid suppressed a smile. Walter's obsession with Jell-O was well-documented, but this was a new level of urgency. "Okay, Walter, let's think about this logically. Did anyone else come into the lab?"

Walter tapped his chin, deep in thought. "Well, Peter was here earlier, but he left to get coffee. And Olivia stopped by to drop off some files, but she didn't seem interested in my Jell-O. Unless..." His eyes widened. "Unless it was the Observer!"

Astrid raised an eyebrow. "The Observer? Why would an Observer take your Jell-O?"

"Because they're mysterious and unpredictable!" Walter declared, pacing the lab. "They could be studying our gelatin-based desserts for their own nefarious purposes. Or perhaps they're using it as a medium for time travel! Did you know that Jell-O has unique temporal properties when exposed to certain frequencies of—"

"Walter," Astrid interrupted gently, "I think we should rule out more mundane explanations first. Maybe it just... fell?"

Walter gasped. "Fell? Astrid, this is Jell-O we're talking about, not a common pudding! It doesn't just 'fall.' It was *taken*."

Astrid sighed, realizing there was no talking Walter out of his theory. "All right, let's investigate. Where was the last place you saw it?"

Walter led her to the counter, pointing dramatically at the empty space. "Right here. And look—there's a faint residue. A clue!"

Astrid leaned in, examining the spot. Sure enough, there was a tiny smear of green gelatin. She grabbed a swab and collected the sample. "I'll run a quick analysis. Maybe we can figure out what happened."

As Astrid worked, Walter rummaged through the lab, muttering to himself. "If the Observers are involved, we'll need to prepare. I'll need more Jell-O—different flavors, different consistencies. We'll set a trap!"

Astrid chuckled softly. "Walter, I really don't think the Observers are after your dessert."

"Then explain this!" Walter held up a small, shiny object he'd found on the floor. It was a paperclip, bent into an unusual shape.

Astrid took the paperclip, studying it. "This could be anything. It doesn't necessarily mean—"

"Ah-ha!" Walter interrupted, his eyes lighting up. "It's a *symbol*. A message from the Observers. They're telling us they've taken my Jell-O as a warning. Or... or maybe it's a cry for help! What if they're trapped in a gelatinous dimension and need us to—"

"Walter," Astrid said firmly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I think I found our culprit."

She pointed to the corner of the lab, where a familiar furry creature was happily licking the remnants of lime Jell-O. It was Gene, Walter's beloved cow, who had somehow wandered into the lab unnoticed.

Walter's jaw dropped. "Gene? You ate my Jell-O?"

Gene let out a soft moo, as if to apologize.

Astrid couldn't help but laugh. "Looks like the case of the missing Jell-O has been solved. The culprit was right under our noses."

Walter sighed, his shoulders slumping. "Well, I suppose I can forgive her. But next time, Gene, ask before you help yourself to my experiments!"

As Astrid returned to her computer, shaking her head in amusement, Walter began preparing another batch of Jell-O—this time, with extra lime. After all, a scientist's work was never done.

I saw this the other day and thought it pretty much captured how I feel about how some of my straight friends see being gay especially since Trump came back into office. 

One friend, in particular, just doesn’t get it so I shut up and don’t talk about it, but when I first came out to her, she said she was there for me no matter what. 

Now I realize there was something she didn’t say that was also part of her acceptance, meaning as long as I don’t talk about it at all, ever, she’s “ok with who I am.”

She regularly goes to Chick-fil-A and when she brings the food back she plops it right down in front of me and says sorry very sarcastically before she picks it back up and walks away. A long time ago I stopped explaining to her that Chick-fil-A still quietly gives to anti-gay causes so I’m not sure why says anything.

I’m too tired to fight battles anymore. But I will say I’d rather friends have said to me they don’t accept me and be honest than say they do but show otherwise with microaggressions.

Usually, my cat sleeps next to me at night and I hug him like a teddy bear (but a bit less tightly than you would a stuffed animal) and it is so comforting. The past week or so, though, he has taken to firmly, almost heavily, settling on my legs and it's like he's trying to center me or something and telling me he's got things covered. He is such a special feline friend. 

 

All of Us Strangers is absolutely draining and part of me is sorry I watched it and another part knows it's good that I did.

A 2023 British romantic fantasy film directed by Andrew Haigh, the story follows a lonely screenwriter named Adam (played by Andrew Scott) who lives a secluded life in London. One night, he meets his mysterious neighbor Harry (played by Paul Mescal), and they develop an intimate relationship.

As Adam revisits his childhood home, he encounters his deceased parents (played by Claire Foy and Jamie Bell) as they were just before they died in a car accident when he was twelve. The film explores themes of love, loss, and reconciliation as Adam navigates his relationships with Harry and his parents.

I cannot relate to Adam's relationship with his parents (I wonder, after watching it more than once, if he is idealizing it and that it really didn't happen that way, that he gave more happiness to his childhood than was actually there).

There is so much to say about it, but for now it's hard to vocalize it all.

 More relevant than ever😔💔

(Or at least it feels that way lately)

Lyrics

Oh-oh, yeah
Mmm
To-do-do, oh-oh

These are the days of the open hand
They will not be the last
Look around now
These are the days of the beggars and the choosers

This is the year of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand with ignorance
And legitimate excuses

The rich declare themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much but we'll take our chances
'Cause God's stopped keeping score
I guess somewhere along the way
He must have let us all out to play
Turned His back and all God's children
Crept out the back door

And it's hard to love
There's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say it's much, too much, too late
Well, maybe we should all be praying for time

To-do-do, oh-oh
Mmm, whoa-whoa, yeah

These are the days of the empty hand
Oh, you hold on to what you can
And charity is a coat you wear twice a year
This is the year of the guilty man
Your television takes a stand
And you find that what was over there is over here

So you scream from behind your door
Say what's mine is mine and not yours
I may have too much but I'll take my chances
'Cause God's stopped keeping score
And you cling to the things they sold you
Did you cover your eyes when they told you
That he can't come back 'cause he has no children
To come back for?

It's hard to love
There's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say it's much too late
So maybe we should all be praying for time

To-do-do
Oh-oh, yeah

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: George Michael

Praying for Time lyrics © Robobuild Limited

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the first 20 seasons of the original “Law & Order” landed on Hulu. To my knowledge, they have never been streaming before. L&O is probably one of my favorite comfort shows after “I love Lucy” and “Golden Girls.”

Because I had never seen the first three seasons before I started at the beginning and I’m very struck by just how amazing Paul Sorvino is in the second and part of the third season.

A writer from https://www.slashfilm.com captures it perfectly:

What makes Cerreta great is his gentle strength and quiet confidence. When he speaks, he commands attention — all without raising his voice. The senior officer could be intimidating in one scene and warmly compassionate in the next; the latter was especially true when talking to female victims of assault — there was a kindness in his voice that was firm but empathetic. Cerreta threaded that needle arguably better than any other detective on "Law & Order" — Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach, who died in 2004) being a close second, but even he was oftentimes prickly with victims. 

Read More: https://www.slashfilm.com/941109/paul-sorvinos-short-law-order-stint-still-left-a-mark/

I wish Paul Sorvino had been on the show longer. I find his presence so comforting. It turns out he left because he didn't feel the role allowed him to express himself as an artist and because of his interest in pursuing opera, which is really kind of neat.

 

I just wanted to elaborate a little more on internalized homophobia. I asked AI to define it. Not everything that follows below* is what I have experienced. In a world where being queer was more accepted and less demonized (and to a less important extent, where I was pretty and dateable), I would be almost weightless in my soul.

But we don't live in that kind of world (especially now!) and I am not a candidate for Ms. Right For Me, so I do find myself self-hating and self-doubting my innocence and right to exist. And I worry a lot about all the other people out there who are going through challenges and heartache and feeling like they may have to completely disappear or shut down just to survive, both figuratively and literally.

Internalized homophobia is when someone internalizes negative beliefs and feelings about LGBTQ+ people, and applies those beliefs to themselves. It can cause people to feel discomfort or disapproval with their own same-sex attractions, or even reject their sexual orientation

Causes 

Internalized homophobia can be caused by society's negative perceptions, intolerance, and stigma toward LGBTQ+ people.

• It can also be caused by the assumption that everyone is or should be heterosexual.

Effects

Internalized homophobia can lead to self-hatred, mental and physical health issues, and problems with intimacy. 
It can also cause people to isolate themselves from queer people, or to bully and discriminate against openly gay people. 

Signs 

Feeling discomfort or disapproval with same-sex attractions
Punishing oneself for having queer thoughts and feelings
Avoiding gay/queer peers or colleagues
Defending or excusing homophobia

My fears for the next four years for anyone who is not a straight white man are growing stronger each day.

I swore that I would not write or obsess about Trump again, but the past few days have made it so very difficult not to do so. He has hit the ground running with his extreme agenda and executive orders that are so alarming I cannot think clearly enough to convey what I want to say. 

I've always had some amount of internalized homophobia (though rarely outward) but it has been especially activated the past few days and never have I been this afraid to live in this country. The days of feeling fairly safe that I had ten years ago are completely gone now.

But for a moment yesterday I was comforted by these words Reverend Maryann Budde spoke before Trump:

“In the name of our God, I ask you to have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now. There are gay, lesbian, and transgender children in Democratic, Republican, and independent families. Some who fear for their lives.”

In an interview later she said: “I wanted to counter, as gently as I could, with a reminder of their humanity and their place in our wider community.And I was speaking to the president because I felt that he has this moment now where he feels charged and empowered to do what he feels called to do. And I wanted to say, you know, there is room for mercy. There‘s room for a broader compassion. We don’t need to portray with a broad cloth in the harshest of terms, some of the most vulnerable people in our society who are in fact our neighbors, our friends, our children, our friends, children and so forth."

Trump went on a tirade about Rev. Buddes, calling for a public apology from her. Imagine finding fault with and getting angry with someone who is only asking for compassion for everyone. And this is only his first week.

 

I'm reading Carrie again for the first time in 40 years so I'm not surprised I don't remember a lot of it, besides iconic imagery that is most likely more from the film. I think what most gets to me is the cruelty Carrie faces from everyone in her life. I just don't remember the level of intensity of it, heartbreaking and monstrous, which makes me wonder if I only imagined I read it before. Stephen King's books came into my life probably way sooner than they should have (I was only 10 when I first read one of his books) but horror seemed perfectly suited for middle and high school years at the time.

Rest in peace, David Lynch. You transformed so many tv and movie fans' lives, in ways that never could have been imagined.

On April 8 it will be 35 years since Twin Peaks debuted on ABC Television. I remember the night it aired well. It was a Sunday and I was home from college and intrigued by an ad in that week’s issue of TV Guide. At nine o’clock that evening, very few people could say they knew what was about to unfold and Twin Peak’s future destiny as one of the most influential programs of its time.

I became obsessed from the moment Laura Palmer’s body washed up on shore. Totally. Obsessed. I wanted to buy The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, but instead settled for sneaking reads at the News Center in Ellicott City’s Chatham Mall, because I was too afraid to buy it and bring it home with me.(Over the years I did end up buying it and it is every bit as nightmarish as you would think it would be).

Twin Peaks stood out for so many different reasons: its extremely quirky characters and haunting music, its compelling mystery and tragic central figure, often unseen, but still always there.

Many viewers found that Twin Peaks held deeper, more haunting themes beyond its central mystery. The show demands that its audience not only acknowledge the existence of sexual violence, but also face the unsettling truth that our culture, in many ways, tolerates and even permits violence against women.

One of the most poignant moments that underscores this theme occurs at Laura's funeral. Bobby Briggs, in a heart-wrenching outburst, blames the entire town for her tragic death. With raw emotion, he exclaims, "Everybody knew she was in trouble, but we didn’t do anything. All you good people. You want to know who killed Laura? You did! We all did."

Sheryl Lee, who portrayed Laura Palmer, echoed this sentiment in her reflections. She wondered aloud why no one in the community recognized Laura’s desperation. “Why didn’t anyone do anything to help? There were signs everywhere. There were symptoms of how much pain this girl was in. And the other thing is, how many men were involved in her destruction?”