I have to admit I struggle with being nice to mean people. It's so easy to be nice to nice folks, not so much with those who aren't. 

For me, it's not a deep need for revenge ("You want mean, I'll give you mean!") as it is this irrational conviction that the other party thinks I'm an idiot for even trying to talk to them. "Would you please just shut up?" some people seem to be saying with their eyes. "And just answer my simple question. Don't give me the novel when I want Cliff Notes."

When I get flustered, though, I immediate start babbling like a brook and things just get worse. 

If anything, I don't find myself hating those who can be "mean" (maybe they're having a really bad day and that's just their reaction to stress) but being intrigued. What could be going on in their lives that makes seem act like a Dickens's character? Surely, deep down inside them someone nice is hiding.

There's a huge difference between grumpy meanness and something much darker and intentional. As Blanche Dubois says in A Streetcar Named Desire, "Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable. It is the one unforgivable thing in my opinion."


How To Be Nice To Mean People

Attention time travel fans: the future has called and it wants back the best science fiction anthology ever written (or it seems so far!) Finding this book feels like opening the best present you ever got for your birthday or the holidays as a child. At over 900 pages, The Time Traveler's Almanac has something for everyone, even the non-sci-fi fan. Be ready to be awed! :) 

I know the U2 song "With Or Without You" is not about children and parents, but sometimes it's the only song I can think of to relate to not getting along with family, even when you love them.

Walking On Eggshells is a book I just discovered and it seems like it's going to be helpful. Adult children can feel like they're ten again when they visit their parents, even it's just for a day. Being ten again sounds cute, but it's not for anyone whose parents still try and dictate every move of their adult lives.

You can love someone dearly, with all your soul, and still not get along with them like you did at an earlier point in time. What your parents ask of you at age ten should not be what they ask of you as an adult.

My dad and I have never been close...he's such a quiet man and drawing him out in conversation is almost impossible...so that relationship has never really changed. His way of showing he cares is asking if my car is all ready for winter or if my computer security software has been updated. My mom, on the other hand, is extremely outgoing with a stormy nature. You never have to guess with her, never. Up until my late 30s, we were very close. Her showing she cared wasn't so coded nor were her emotions, good or bad.

In the past five years, though, it's been tricky. I want to figure out how to make my parents happy without sacrificing myself. I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to be smothered either. I miss the mother I knew growing up, who was a free thinker and loved music and dancing and...well, just living. She believed in God, but didn't believe that meant shutting down from all forms of earthly enjoyment. Now, if it  isn't Old Testament, she won't have anything to do with it.

I'm hoping Walking With Eggshells can help me. If not, I'll keep looking for more books that can help. Because it's clear my parents are not going to change the way they worry and question my every decision, the way they want me to believe in God, so I've got to change how I react to and behave with them.

more odds and ends

 
 
 

much-needed perspective
helpful article

 

 

Also helpful in down times is watching Misery Bear videos on YouTube:

Misery Bear Prepares For A Date

 

 

 

 

 

I can definitely make peace with never finding true love, but I will never truly be okay until I stop pining for someone totally inappropriate and out of my solar system.

 

It's not just the guilt (though that's a huge part) but the futility of it all. Why would a person feel like that about someone so clearly unavailable, inappropriate and (duh!) uninterested, the "uninterested" both blatantly obvious and the only way it could be.

It’s funny. In film and tv shows (more than books) unrequited love may start out that way and the pain may be intense, but it almost always turns out the recepient of that love feels the same way. In real life, the intensity is just as strong and the feelings the same as in romantic film or tv, but from there it greatly, greatly differs. Also funny how you can love (or think you love) someone so much and it’s all only on you. Just you.

 

This article on dealing with a crush is helpful, if not particularly arranged in a well-organized style. This passage particularly stands out:

If need be, pretend like your #crush isn't there at all, especially if that's what you have to do to keep things on a professional level.


http://allwomenstalk.com/7-ways-to-handle-a-crush-on-a-co-worker/6/



 

It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak

And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak

 escape was just a nod and a casual wave

 Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away

 It's just like all the others it'll go away

 Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know

 You pray it all away but it continues to grow

from "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge

 

But songs only seem to fuel intense emotions so I think I'll take a book instead. And one particularly surprisingly good read is something I started reading last night:

It's so good I've been able to escape some from real life. I've always liked The Moonstone and The Woman In White, but after going through this:

 

I've discovered so many more novels he wrote, ones that are completely free on Kindle and Google Play.

Many people, it seems, can't read when they're upset over something. I totally get that, but with me it's music I can't listen to when I'm depressed (except classical) and books I turn to for a quick getaway.

 

 

Such a beautiful song, "Inside Of Love" by Nada Surf is...and the video is pretty good at capturing how overwhelming it all is. It's weird but sometimes I find if I listen to sad songs when I'm sad I actually free the feelings up a bit and they kind of go away.

 

 

Watch video here



 

 

Watching terrible tv

 It kills all thought

 Getting spacier than

 An astronaut

 Making out with people

 I hardly know or like

 I can't believe what i do

 Late at night

 I wanna know what it's like

 On the inside of love

 I'm standing at the gates

 I see the beauty above

 Only when we get to see

 The aerial view

 Will the patterns show

 We'll know what to do

 I know the last page so well

 I can't see the first

 So i just don't start

 It's getting worse

 [chorus]

 I can't find my way in

 I try again and again

 I'm on the outside of love

 Always under or above

 Must be a different view

 To be a me with a you

 Of course I'll be alright

 I just had a bad night