If I only loved people who loved me back, I probably wouldn't have much love in my life. It's kind of like my faith. There are days I don't feel any real reason to believe in God. So many horrible things happen to good people every single day and children suffer terribly, children (!) who haven't been on this earth long enough to bring on any of their own troubles.

Then I see something incredibly small and (seemingly impossible) like a squirrel make it across the street fine and perfectly intact and I feel Him. I can't get mad at something I can't see and I can't get upset because the world is so cruel. Maybe we wouldn't have free will if we were constantly being protected or saved by a Higher Being.

Sometimes I try not to think about any of this because if I think too much, I feel like I chip away each day at faith. And like lots and lots of people, I feel like, sometimes, faith is all there is...

Faith isn't easy, of course, and it cannot be forced. I went through a long period in my life when I was angry at God, mistaking my anger with organized religion with Him and desperately trying to detach whenever possible.

The thing is, though, you either believe or you don't. Just like you can't make yourself love someone, you can't make yourself believe something you don't. That's one reason why Pascal's Wager always drove me crazy.

Another reason is this:
 
In fact, according to many of these progressive religionists, God has more respect for sincere atheists who fearlessly proclaim their non-belief than he does for insincere "believers" who pretend to have faith because it's easier and safer and they don't want to rock the boat. According to these progressives, honest atheism is actually the safer bet. The weaselly hypocrisy of Pascal's Wager is more likely to get up God's nose.

read more here

Believing in God because there's something in it for you (besides peace of mind and comfort) is just as maddening as being a "good" person because you don't want to go to Hell. You should do something good because it's the right thing to do, not because there's a reward at the end.

I just started this novel. It has such a weird cover and is even weirder inside...but the good kind of weird. You read it more for the writing itself (it's terrific!) than the plot or even the characters.

For a sneak peek:


http://www.amazon.com/About-Girl-Joanne-Horniman-ebook/dp/B006O3ODMI/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1417540574&sr=8-3&keywords=about+a+girl+kindle#reader_B006O3ODMI

I think it's easier to "fake it until you make it" than it is to pretend you don't have certain emotions. The problem is if you try too hard to achieve an air of indifference you might be accused of having BRF ("bitchy resting face.")

Personally, I'd rather have BRF...let people think I don't give a damn about the things that never seem to rattle others. I want to be that way...and yet still have some of my humanity left intact. I truly envy (not in a bad envy way) people who at least appear to have their act together.

If, for some reason, someone would want to get rid of his or her BRF (does someone with one even know that they appear that way to others?) Elle magazine has some tips:

http://www.elle.com/life-love/society-career/change-your-facial-expression

Meanwhile, as for inner struggles, I'm looking forward to symbolically closing out this year and starting fresh, crush-free, and making peace with who I am...

 

I read this earlier this week in The Wall Street Journal:

http://online.wsj.com/articles/book-review-two-new-translations-of-anna-karenina-by-marian-schwartz-and-rosamund-bartlett-1416614422

It appealed to me mostly because I think I own almost every translation of Anna Karenina (I'm a fanatic with that book) but also because the article is well-written and very interesting.



Right now I'm reading this very (very) dark and disturbing novel that I should have deleted upon finishing the first chapter, but didn't. It is so oddly compelling, so much so it's like I'm reading it against my will.

The main character herself goes way beyond the anti-hero archetype and does horrible things, but when she finds herself in the middle of another girl's disappearance, which may be related to sex trafficking, it seems like she might just be the right person to help.

She's also a vampire who spends way too much on shoes and has done pretty much everything under the sun (except when the Sun is actually out) to ever be squeamish about life.

It's so complicated and weird I'm not sure I can even explain. When I first downloaded the novel for free, I thought it was about a rock group called Suzie and the Monsters; once I realized it wasn't, it too late. I was hooked. I'm never ever hitting one-click on Amazon again when I'm under the influence of Nyquil.

Two more great mixes I found on Soundcloud include another take on "Let's Dance" (kind of out there and definitely edgy, but hypnotizing in the best way possible.) Also good is this one:

https://soundcloud.com/rubenandra/80s-child-back-to-the-80s-mix

 

"I Love Lucy" in the country episodes...

My insomnia struck hard last night, but I was okay with it because I popped in the sixth season I just bought of "I Love Lucy" and watched an episode I've never seen before.

"Lucy Raises Tulips" is the one where she doesn't know how to turn off the lawn mower she's borrowed from her neighbors and ends up riding all over town. The expressions on her face (we only hear about her scary drive down the Boston Post Road) before and after her out-of-control ride are, as usual with Lucy, priceless.

Vivian Vance (way underrated in the history of comedic talent and always great with her delivery of lines) has one of her best solo scenes ever on the show. Ethel explains to the man on the other end of the phone that Lucy cannot find the switch to turn off the lawn mower. She believes Lucy to still be outside, the nefarious machine twirling her around in circles and then taking her across the backyard, but soon discovers, through the shop owner on the phone, that Lucy is actually driving down main street against her will.

I laughed as hard as I do during the infamous chocolate factory and  vitameatavegamin episodes. Very few things in life make me happier or more at peace than a good Lucy marathon. :)