Sometimes I actually fantasize about doing this:

 http://www.wikihow.com/Fake-Your-Own-Death

I don't know why I didn't know it's against the law to do so...so I guess that's out for me. I would never intentionally break the law, but I so want to just make a completely fresh start with my life. I've f**d it up very much.

I'm so out of sorts with my parents these past few weeks and someone I like now hates me (though she's too much of a lady to say so) and the more I try to do the right thing, the worse I make it. 

The road to Hell really is paved with good intentions. People can't read your mind or your emotions so all you have to show for who you truly are is how you behave and I behave like an idiot more times than not. 

Still, I will not give up on trying to be a better person and starting over:

  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201001/10-ways-and-reasons-you-can-start-over

I am truly enjoying this book. Entertainment Weekly critic Melissa Maerz reviewed it recently, giving it an A-:


For hardcore film obsessives, there's no movie so thrillingly obscure as one that doesn't exist. ''Lost movies appeal to our sense of doomed artistry,'' a film scholar tells our heroine, Ceinwen Reilly, in the absorbing debut novel Missing Reels. ''We build up heroic concepts of certain directors. Then, when their work is lost, we imagine what we're missing as even better than the movies we have.''

That sums up Missing Reels' romantic view of cinema nicely, although these words might be hard for Ceinwen to hear. She's living in New York during the 1980s, when the revival-house scene is booming. And when she's not dressing up like Jean Harlow to work as a shopgirl at Vintage Visions, or forcing her gay roommates/BFFs to watch Shanghai Express, she's hunting for her own lost classic, The Mysteries of Udolpho, a silent film that may or may not star her downstairs neighbor Miriam. When Ceinwen meets Matthew, a dashing British mathematician, Missing Reels starts to feel like a classic movie itself: There's a dramatic screwball romance and an exciting hard-boiled mystery, as well as one too many monologues. There's also enough trivia to delight any cinephile. Glancing at Ceinwen's outfit, Miriam says that if she really wanted to look like Jean Harlow, she wouldn't wear underwear.

The film-snob debates in this book will remind you why so many great relationships are built upon shared passions. That's true for Ceinwen and Matthew, and maybe also for Farran Smith Nehme and you, if you're a movie buff. Once named GQ's Film Blogger of the Year for her classic-film criticism site, Self-Styled Siren, Nehme knows how to mix real-life history with fictional directors, actors, and films, making the true stuff just as compelling as the imagined. By the end, you'll be desperate to see The Mysteries of Udolpho. So maybe it's a good thing that like all the best movies, it doesn't exist.

--November 28, 2014-Entertainment Weekly

Some great quotes about unrequited love...

Just like I don't think anyone in her right mind would "choose" to be gay knowing all the pain that goes with it, I don't think anyone ever chooses to fall in love (or like or crush or whatever you want to call it) with someone who doesn't feel the same. 

These are just some really "I get it" quotes about unrequited love. I've written about this before, but then deleted the posts, as if deleting words could somehow delete feelings...if only. :(


"Unrequited love is a ridiculous state, and it makes those in it behave ridiculously.”
― Cassandra Clare

 "What made you feel that stomach-churning agony for one person and not another? If Bridget were God, she would have made it against the law for you to feel that way about someone without them having to feel it for you right back.”
― Ann Brashares, Girls In Pants: The Third Summer of the Sisterhood 

“There is nothing so mortifying as to fall in love with someone who does not share one's sentiments.”
― Georgette Heyer, Venetia 

“I think if you like somebody you have to tell them. It might be embarrassing to say it, but you will never regret stepping up. I know from personal experience, however, that you should not keep telling a girl that you like her after she tells you she isn't into it. You should not keep riding your bike by her house either.”
― Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality
(I don't think it's ever a good idea to tell someone how you feel, but I found this interesting anyway.) 

“Let her remain where she is. A constellation away.”
― Eric Gamalinda, My Sad Republic 

 “I get what it's like to want something, but to try and force yourself to really believe that you don't.”
― Cora Carmack, Losing It

 “Perfect behavior is born of complete indifference. Perhaps this is why we always love madly someone who treats us with indifference.”
― Cesare Pavese, Il mestiere di vivere: Diario 1935-1950
  
And from a song called "Tears You Apart" by She Wants Revenge:

It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak

And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak

 escape was just a nod and a casual wave

 Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away

 It's just like all the others it'll go away

 Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know

 You pray it all away but it continues to grow

All-Story Love magazine featured (during its time) short stories and columns that are still quite entertaining, if a little dated. The story below was first published in April of 1951.


http://www.unz.org/Pub/AllStoryLove-1951apr-00058

Anyone who comes out to an ultra-conservative family member or friend (or reads the news on a daily basis for that matter) will tell you that she is no stranger to hearing "you're going to Hell if you do not change." There are days, though, when it feels like you're already there.

Your family won't accept you unless you "recant," some of your friends no longer want anything to do with you and, still in 2014, you see at least one article a day online (or in the paper) quoting a super-religious far right person comparing us to something loathsome. 

Really, I can't honestly imagine Hell being any worse than being alone with your own thoughts at night, trying to negotiate with your own parents so that you can be someone they actually want in their home for the holidays. And, on top of that, knowing (true, there's no actual proof, but you can just feel it in your bones) that someone you truly admire no longer can even look at you because they find who you are so counter to their beliefs.

I want to say to people like Bruce Barron, "Please. Please. Stop saying your rights are infringed upon by my wanting to fall in love with, marry and grow old with another woman. You can believe whatever you want, you can even write a column about those beliefs, but you should not have the right to deny me or my hypothetical/imaginary/ hopefully future wife the right to marry or live where we want to." 

It's exhausting to be this frustrated, even angry, and to have trouble letting go of all this angst. I think the holidays bring it out in me, that to be with my family for Christmas I have to be someone I'm not. Even worse, there is hardly a day goes by where I don't believe I am going to Hell.

I just want to add that I know I write about this issue a lot in my blog, but one reason I do is because of horrible things like this:

 
"We will fight these vermins called homosexuals or gays the same way we are fighting malaria-causing mosquitoes, if not more aggressively." — Gambian President Yahya Jammeh

Last Friday, a group of Gambian human rights activists supported by the RFK Center visited HRC's headquarters in Washington, DC and described atrocities going on in their country, many of which are carried out against LGBT people by the President of the Gambia, Yahya Jammeh – will you help put a stop to this?

Right now, Gambians are being imprisoned in deplorable conditions just because they are suspected of being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT). Some of these individuals have even been held for over a month without any contact with the outside world and have no access to a lawyer. It is believed that they are being tortured, and there is tremendous fear for their lives and their safety.- source: HRC, Human Rights Campaign