art by Kevin Nowlan

 

"A woman's most powerful weapon, she discovers then, is the state of emotional independence. And if she is far from possessing this emotional independence, then she must make a pretense of having it."-Tereska Torres, By Cecile

 

 

 

Yesterday was not one of my finer moments. As soon as I got to where I was going, I tried (I swear I tried) to get into “I can cope seeing her” mode, battling silly butterflies and wondering why I can't just be normal around people I like...really, people in general, for that matter.

 

Ironically, (don’t ask me why…there’s no rationality to it) I panicked (only on the inside) when I didn’t see her. I pictured the bad weather affecting her commute. I worried about her, another inappropriate reaction, since we're not friends.

Then, when I did see her, I panicked again and retreated into my version of Spock, which apparently comes across more as “forlorn and confused." I just can’t pull off sophisticated and detached, I just can’t.

Maybe this makes me a very bad person, but, sometimes, it is near impossible for me to be around someone I like a lot and hold it all in. I just want to find a nice balance (not just in this area, but in any emotional situation) between composed and kind, without letting everything I feel fall all over the place.

 

All I want, all I can ever hope for, is to find a way to be able to live with myself in peace and get past this and the other things that challenge me. And since I’m certainly never going to be living with anyone else in a cohabitating, mutually loving way I also have to accept that and I have to stop hating myself so much on the days I fail.

 

I need to be my own heroine, my own rescuer from loneliness and pain and overwhelming emotions. They say you need to fake it until you make it. I don't take that to mean to lie or be false...just to find the appropriate feelings you're striving and pretend to feel it, until you really do.

 

That's good advice most of the time, but according to Inc. magazine it actually might not be:

 

 

The maxim "fake it until you make it" makes sense on some levels. Most people occasionally struggle with feeling overwhelmed or unconfident, so the idea of pushing through those negative emotions seems logical.
But sustaining a false front for the long term isn't in your best interest. Here are a few reasons why.

You'll repel people.

Show me someone who pretends to have it all together, and you'll find me walking the other direction. Though authenticity is hard to define, you probably know its opposite when you see it.

Magnetic and likable people are not afraid to share things about themselves that might even make them look bad. In doing so, they convey a sense of humility, honesty, and vulnerability that work to lower people's defenses.

Faking it is stressful.

If you've purchased something from Walgreens lately, the cashier may have used the branded salutation "be well," which the drugstore chain thinks makes customers happier.

But according to LinkedIn influencer Annie Murphy Paul, the people it doesn’t please are the employees who have to say it regardless of their feelings about the customers they're mandated to bless.

She says organizational experts define this kind of behavior as "surface acting," which is essentially faking cheerfulness--and in Walgreens's case, concern--all day long while interacting with customers.

"This kind of faking is hard work--sociologists call it 'emotional labor'--and research shows that it's often experienced as stressful," Paul writes. "It's psychologically and even physically draining; it can lead to lowered motivation and engagement with work and ultimately to job burnout."

For the rest of the article go here:

http://www.inc.com/christina-desmarais/why-fake-it-til-you-make-it-bad-advice.html

"Stand down, feelings, stand down."-from Bob's Burgers

Trying to go through old magazines and put some in recycling, I can't bear to let go of a 2011 copy of 501 Lost Songs, put out as a collaboration between NME and UNCUT magazines.

There is still a link online to all of the info, plus various other "best of" type lists:

http://www.rocklistmusic.co.uk/NME_LostSongs.htm

When I saw both of the songs mentioned below I grabbed my a-ha and Fifth Dimension cds off the shelf and popped them in. Cleaning is always better if you have music playing. :)

those sad eyes...

Maybe it's because I'm coming off a bad headache (which always leaves me emotionally weird before, during and afterward) and the sadness of a very lonely stranger who called into where I work today plus worries about my mother, but I am really feeling this article that showed up in my email today.

Edgar Allan Poe has always interested me, more as a person than a writer, though I do like his poetry and some of his short stories. His eyes always seem to be telling their own tale, his desperation so intense it seemed like a separate entity.

He is so the exact opposite of the stodgy-looking Henry James whom I've read much more of over the years. James once said of Poe: “An enthusiasm for him is the mark of a decidedly primitive stage of reflection.”  I'm not so sure that is true, but then each man came from completely different worlds and I'm super-tired so my thinking cap may be a bit off right now.

This part of the New York Review of Books article struck me hard:

The writer Thomas Wentworth Higginson said Poe had “the look of over-sensitiveness which when uncontrolled may prove more debasing than coarseness.” And he does seem to have been overwhelmed by himself, intolerably sensitive and proud and intolerably brilliant, his drinking and bitterness abetting his discomfitures and humiliations. That said, his strange little household of aunt/mother and cousin/wife, through it all and while it lasted, was always reported to be warm and sweet. He was a strong, athletic man who, through the whole of his career, bore up under his weaknesses and afflictions well enough to be very productive, most notably in the unique inventiveness, the odd purity, of his fiction.

The rest of the it can be read here:

http://www.nybooks.com/articles/archives/2015/feb/05/edgar-allan-poe/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=NYR+Poe+the+police+van+Gogh&utm_content=NYR+Poe+the+police+van+Gogh+CID_4edd3542cc7ea2efa47d8fd7b4a20fb2&utm_source=Email%20marketing%20software&utm_term=On%20Edgar%20Allan%20Poe

And the TBR titles grow...

The February 2015 issue of Elle has lots of intriguing books reviewed or highlighted that sound great! These are just some of them:

 

 

 

The most recent Ultra collection is very upbeat and terrific for exercising. It's not particularly deep and definitely not something to listen to as you would music that takes you away from everything for a while and becomes a mind-altering experience. Last year's compilation stood on its own and had some great zen-like moments.

 

2015's edition is strictly for the beats and the infectious urge to dance. Stand-outs include: "Delirious (Boneless)," "Five Hours," "My Head Is A Jungle" (MK Remix) and "Brand New (Extended Version)." 

 

*See complete track listing below:

 

 

http://www.allmusic.com/album/ultra-2015-mw0002771318

 

 

 A review for Ultra 2014:

 

Review by David Jeffries

                   

Packed with club hits like Calvin Harris' "Thinking About You," Steve Aoki and Chris Lake's "Boneless," plus the Benny Benassi and John Legend team-up "Dance the Pain Away," Ultra 2014 continues to display the mighty licensing muscle this Universal label's annual series has previously wielded, but the difference is in the "details," which in other series is called "filler." Here, powerful, excellent, and yet lesser-known numbers make all the difference, with Hadouken!'s "Levitate" and Lazy Jay's "On the Rocks" being the top candidates, although the delicious and unexpected gathering of Flosstradamus, Yellow Claw, and Green Velvet on "Pillz" will jump right to the top of the list for anyone who loves speaker-ripping electro eccentrics. Being mixed well is icing on the cake, leaving nothing to complain about except for this being one of the shorter (disc one comes in at under 50 minutes) entries. Minor complaint; otherwise the Ultra series remains ultra.