There's no point in going anywhere near my bookcase if I'm planning to clean. I just found Expensive People (highly recommended if you read Dark Places by Gillian Flynn and, not sure this is the right word, liked* it) on my shelf and completely forgot I had it...and now I'm reading it, dust rag now forgotten. Darn you, books! :)


*Gillian Flynn's books are well-written and captivating, but her characters, much like Joyce Carol Oates', kind of make your skin crawl.


1968

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





I have had this dream many times over the years, though it's not always the same and not troubling like my other recurring dreams. I go to the bookstore to get lesfic titles and the clerk hands me Harlequin romances instead.

It's one of my less mysterious dreams. There's no hidden judgment in the clerk's eyes, there's no "You should be straight, not gay. Read these books until you turn." It's not that at all. It's more of a misunderstanding, plus the fact that most bookstores don't even have a lesbian fiction section.

It's also more like memory and how I used to read Harlequins like there was no tomorrow and how I often projected myself, as the reader, into the male character. Sometimes, if I were lucky, I even found Harlequins that were written from the male point of view, so that the feelings the main character had, romantic and otherwise, were for women rather than men.

Even in the classics, where romantic feeling factors in, I see myself in the male characters, not the female.

"Well," he said blushing, "personally, I'd like to love the same woman all my life."--from A Sentimental Education by Gustave Flaubert

But the dreams can also can be different, and heartbreaking, like last night's, where I found a lesfic plot within a Harlequin while I was waiting at the airport and twirling a paperback rack around.

In the dream, I could see the cover, though I couldn't actually read the words. I rarely can read in my dreams. Still, as soon as I picked up the book its entire contents jumped into my brain and heart.

One thing was for sure...the book was a morality tale, not a positive love story...kind of like pulp fiction from the 50s and 60s, where the main characters could only be together (temporarily) if, in the end, they were severely punished or one of them "went back" to men and the other was clearly seen as "not right in the head."

I turned to a stranger near me and begged for an understanding of why people in love couldn't be together without people making a fuss. The stranger, surprisingly, comforted me and said some things would never be understood.

After that, I woke up sad, feeling bad for the two women in the fake book, who seemed as real as the sheets I clutched, who couldn't be together just because of who they happened to be.

from the front of Desperate Asylum by Fletcher Flora

"I think emotions affect your body as much as X-rays and vitamins and car crashes. And whatever it is I'm feeling right now, well, God know what parts of my body are being demolished. And I deserve it. Because I'm not a good person--because I'm a bad person who also happens to be lost."

The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland is one of his best! I'm finding it so very relatable, but I still have a ways to go with it...meanwhile here's a review from Publisher's Weekly:

 

Starred Review. Two misfits find common ground and a unique, surreal friendship via unspoken words in Coupland's latest (after JPod), a fine return to form. In the two years since his wife's (nonfatal) cancer was diagnosed, Roger Thorpe has devolved into a dejected, hard-drinking, divorced father and the oldest employee by a fair margin at Staples. A frustrated novelist to boot, Roger considers himself lost, continually haunted by dreams of missed opportunities and a long ago car accident that claimed four friends. His younger, disgruntled goth co-worker, Bethany Twain, one day discovers Roger's diary—filled with mock re-imaginings of her thoughts and feelings—in the break room. She lays down a supreme challenge for them both to write diary entries to each other, but neither is allowed to acknowledge the other around the store. Through exchanged hopes and dreams, customer stories, world views and cautionary revelations (time speeds up in a terrifying manner in your mid-thirties), the pair become intimately acquainted before things unravel for both. Running parallel to the epistolary narrative are chapters from Roger's novel, Glove Pond, which begins having much in common with the larger narrative it's enclosed in. Coupland shines, the story is humorous, frenetic, focused and curiously affecting. (Oct.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. 

Though on an infinitely smaller level than the Cassandra from Greek mythology and, when you come down to it, not in the same context, I still decided to name my blog "cassandraswarning" because of what it's like to be told how you feel by other people or to not be taken seriously when you open your mouth and speak. Plus, Greek mythology has always fascinated me.

From the time I was little until I tried to come out to my parents, my mom would often say, "No, you aren't" or "No, you don't." Sayings like "I know what's best for you" never bothered me as much because that's what parents do...they look out for you and even when they (unintentionally, I'm hopeful) smother you, it's only because they mean well.

But it's a completely different thing to deny what someone else feels, to deprive them of their own words, their own meanings. I blame this on myself, though, because I've never really been able to convey what goes on behind my mind...words are often out of my mouth before I realize they didn't come out the way I wanted them to...

I'm taking an online course through work that helps with being more assertive and I find it interesting that (so far) the only section that addresses this kind of issue is in dealing with "your mate." (I swear that's the word the instructor uses...mate.)

Besides the fact I don't have one, I also don't get why this section isn't covered with family members (or just in general). It's good advice, but I think it can apply in other areas as well:

What is a feeling? It is the direct response to something that is said or happens to you. You don't think about having these feelings. They just happen inside you. These are always your most truthful reactions.

If you do not express your feelings, you will feel lonely and resentful toward your mate. When you do not open up and share what you are feeling, you will search for evidence that justifies your reaction. You may begin to see your mate as being against you. Over time, your feelings are blown out of proportion and you lose your perspective to the events that caused them. You see yourself as right and your mate as wrong. You continue to react to what happens based on the past and not on what is happening in the present.>>Gale Courses

A long time ago I used to be a huge stress eater. I would eat not just because I was hungry, but because it helped me forget things. Sometimes it was more like a zombie would eat than a human would. Other times it was not numbness I sought but extreme pleasure.

I tried everything, but it wasn't until I got Invisalign braces that my eating became more structured and I found myself breaking bad habits and losing weight. Plus, I found music to be a much better, healthier pain killer than food and, also, though I'm still working at it, meditation.

The one thing, though, I never thought (as "duh" obvious as it may be) is that food would be a substitute for desire.

I don't like the word "desire" (it makes me so uncomfortable) and I definitely don't like books without indexes (this one doesn't have one), but still I can't help but find Alexandra Jamieson's Women, Food and Desire both compelling and helpful.

While there is some rather self-evident stuff here ("it's time to start eating right"...yes, of course it is!) there's also some painfully familiar, but often not said enough stuff as well:

"The intense pressure we're under to be perceived as desirable, in an objectified way, has us either starving ourselves so we don't have to feel how lonely or sexually unfulfilled we may be...When sex becomes too dangerous for us to fully enjoy, food becomes our version of safe sex."

 

As well as the following:

 

I think "the peeling of the feminine onion" expression needs to go, but I do like the message here.

 

 

And other parts:

 

"What all of us need to really embrace is that sex isn't about what your body looks like...it's about what it feels."

 

"Most women who overeat do so to find some kind of emotional solace that aren't getting from themselves or other people."

 

"...and being accountable scares us. And no wonder, because if we become accountable, we run the risk of becoming seen and successful, and if we become successful...no one will like or love us. Or that's how some version of that thinking goes, but it's time for us to reject this kind of chatter as the toxic nonsense that it is."

 

Of the three aspects Ms. Jamieson stresses most throughout her book: off-kilter family relationships (who hasn't experienced those?), body alienation (whether we eat to lose ourselves in our own bodies or we don't eat as a way to try and disappear) and sexual pleasure (so many women sublimate food), the first two are the reasons this book is so helpful for me...

 

Here's what Kirkus Reviews has to say, exactly as it appears on their website:

 

Holistic health counselor and co-star of the award-winning documentary Super Size Me, Jamieson (Vegan Cooking for Dummies, 2010, etc.) tackles the age-old question of what women really want.

 

The author explains food cravings with the intent of helping women understand and overcome their private relationships with food. “It’s human nature, after all,” she writes, “to yearn, to long, to want, to desire.” Jamieson deconstructs how a habit such as stashing a “secret” chocolate croissant in an office desk drawer often becomes part of an unconscious daily routine. She explores the brain/body connection, identifying helpful techniques such as yoga, Pilates, conscious breathing and visualization that can help women better relate to their bodies and help calm their minds. The author also advocates for the practice of detoxing as a route to spiritual enlightenment, as well as a means for healing. “All of this may sound a little bit woo-woo and corny,” she writes, “but it’s not.” Jamieson dips into the science of neurogastroenterology, describing how “trusting your gut” by maintaining a healthy microbiome is a crucial aspect of overall health, and she discusses the importance of healthy sleep patterns and the joys of napping. Jamieson’s additional health prescriptions include less time spent sitting, avoiding artificial light when possible and getting more sunshine. The author advises a change of mindset; rather than thinking that you have to exercise, let loose and play like when you were a child. Jamieson weaves her personal reflections together with case studies of clients working on such issues as eliminating unhealthy foods from their diets, off-kilter family relationships, body alienation and sexual pleasure. The author includes links to her website offering helpful tips, interviews and quizzes on a variety of topics, including meditation, detox strategies and recipes for healthful smoothies.

Worth a look for those who enjoy self-help books focused on healthy lifestyles.