You can feel pretty far from normal when very few of your friends, if any, are gay and your family is extremely homophobic...

snippets from a book on the history of lesbian pulp fiction...Katherine V. Forrest

  

There are some days where the only way I get through them is by pure daydreaming...get it all out of my system and move on.

I have a fight (disagreement, really, since it does more good to just listen than to argue back) with my parents, for instance, and I imagine the way I wanted my life to turn out, not the way it is.

It's so funny, in a way, because when I was younger, I distinctly remember being in the Walden Books at Security Square Mall and seeing a book about Fire Island with two men on the front. I remember flipping the book over and the word "gay" jumping out at me. When we got home that night I asked my mom about the word.

She didn't flinch or make a face or anything like that. She went on to tell me that gay people were just people who were "lost and confused," but that we should never hate or judge them. I remember that like it was just yesterday, even though it was the early 80s.

Now, now, the word "gay" (or "lesbian") brings out nothing but fire and brimstone in my mother's voice. I'm not saying what she told me when I was younger was right, but it was certainly kinder than she feels now and no matter how hard I've tried to explain, she just won't (or can't) believe that I am the very thing she once said shouldn't be judged or hated.

I've mentioned (ad nauseam, I know, and I keep hoping to get past that) that this is a huge issue between my parents and me, one that I know will never be resolved and I've only been able to accept at all because I've never met anyone who could feel the same.

But on days when it gets really hard, I go to my happy place, which is sometimes Hawaii (goodbye, cold weather!), but is more often somewhere big and more likely to swallow me up whole...like New York City. I'm sure The Big Apple has its share of homophobia, but I feel like being in love and together with another woman wouldn't be the heartache it would in my real life.

A few weeks ago something happened that, due to a small series of very odd coincidences and a silly desire for it to be so, almost made me believe something ludicrously wonderful. I say "almost" because I actually don't believe in coincidences (the phrase "there are no coincidences" drives me up the wall) and because in this certain situation I just knew it would have been astronomically impossible to be...well, never mind that. I'd rather not go into what the situation was...

I just want to share this awesome article I found online. I discovered it when I typed "there are coincidences" in Google. And, yes, tonight, I have way too much time on my hands. But it's (as it is in a large part of the country right now) extremely cold so....bundled up under lots of covers, with books, a laptop and "I Love Lucy" episodes is the only way to be right now if I don't want to run my heat over 65 degrees.

Anyway, below is the article:

http://www.jewishideasdaily.com/6078/features/who-says-there-are-no-coincidences/

There are moments, especially in the middle of the night, when I'm tempted to jump back on my computer and take down a lot of my posts here, especially the ones that are too personal or possibly controversial...and sometimes, I do.

Other times, though, I realize that because I'm posting anonymously I can be completely honest, something I don't always have a chance to do in real life , were being completely uninhibited is not always an option. I can't apologize for something I feel, though I never want to be mean or out of line on purpose. I've spent so many years wanting to be normal, trying to be normal (and failing), that now a small part of me almost wants to rebel.

Like today, it took all my self-control not to tell the person I like just how much she means to me. Only two things helped: that I would never want her to be uncomfortable and I'm finally starting to relax more around her and not feel sad.

If you've tried, really tried, to stop liking someone and you can't...well, then maybe the only thing you can do about it all is just be more mature and move on from a place of crushing to a place of admiring...as in having a good role model admiring...because, truly, this person is one of the most composed, unique, caring and sound women to be around.

I love this book. It has helped me with a lot of things "around the house" and I've renewed it twice, returned it, then checked it out again, that's how much I love it...I just wanted to share a few pages from it. The pages came out oddly because every time I tried to photograph one the book flopped off my computer and onto the floor so that I tried holding the book down with one elbow while taking a picture. Okay, that's more than you need to know...anyway, this book is truly helpful!! :)

silly things you write in very weak moments...

I think about you often, even though I like someone else, someone in real life I must stop liking. The idea of you, I must admit, came rather late into my life. When other girls were planning their future weddings, with as-yet-to-meet-boys, I was wondering why I wanted to BE a boy, why I felt the need to protect instead of be protected. I never once thought of what my wedding would be like…because I knew I’d never have one. Women like me didn’t have that option.

But the idea of you persisted…in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my heart. Every solid fact proved again and again that love and I were not meant for each other. Lonely hearts are stubborn, though, and very much delusional…and I feel (however wrong I may be) that you’re out there (somewhere) no matter how many years or miles away.

I’m sure I AM wrong (that I’ll get over my someone in real life and someday met YOU and you’ll actually, maybe, possibly, love me back) but it gets me through bad days and I dream about it (actual dreaming at night) and so I sometimes let myself believe (however wispy that believing is.)

I imagine what you’re like, more often than I should. You are kind and smart and sweet, very loving and loyal and faithful. You’re stronger than I am, yet still feminine.  You wouldn’t mind that I’m not wildly experienced or that I am old-fashioned when it comes to romance and love. You would adore me and I adore you and hopefully we’d grow old together

Does that sound silly? Of course it does! Maybe it even sounds creepy. But, for me, that makes it not one bit less true. Even if I never find you, I will always hold on to the idea of you…just a little bit of false hope to hold on to on during those long nights when the world feels like such a lonely place.

Please, dear you, please if you’re out there, able and willing to care and love with all of your heart, please come into my life sooner rather later. I’m not very pretty nor wildly fascinating, but I have a huge heart and a desire to be everything to the woman I may be lucky enough to find one day.

Most sincerely,

me