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I know I shouldn't be writing while I'm at work, but for the past hour I have not been able to concentrate and I am off the floor so I guess there are worse things I could do. Though that doesn't help the guilt at all. But, still, better I write here than make a fool of myself in the real world, where I am worried about someone I have no right to worry about. 

Keeping my feelings to myself is the most important thing I can do in this matter. I'll send prayers out in my mind, but that's all I can do. I've been down this road before (years ago) and I will not travel that path again. Sometimes you can't and shouldn't let someone know how you feel, because it can actually be a selfish thing if it's only going to end up making them uncomfortable. 

...because sometimes you can't tell someone this directly, but you can always wish them well in your heart.

Someday, sooner rather than later I hope, I will have a grip on all the silly things inside my heart...because really, lately I find the heart to be a huge nuisance and I would rather not feel anything than feel everything. The Wizard was right when he told the Tin Man he didn't know how lucky he was not to have a heart.

 

For anyone who needs to see these...today or any day.

When I talk with my parents I try to think of the most benign and "safe" things to discuss so we can keep things peaceful. Since my parents are Christian to the point they won't have anything to do with non-Biblical topics, this can make conversation hard sometimes.

They like for me to "check in" with them during the day. If I don't they call my cell phone and keep it up until I call them back. So I usually find time during the day to call them from work. Yesterday I happened to mention that a bat had been flying around and that the poor thing had finally been caught after it had gotten confused and flown into more confined space.

My parents latched onto my use of "poor thing" and I explained that I kind of felt sorry for the bat, though I knew it had to be caught. They said they were worried about my sympathy for it, since bats are "evil creatures."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This is the kind of reasoning I deal with almost every day. The safest of topics is never safe with them and I honestly end up pulling my hair sometimes. I was curious as to whether bats are really considered "evil," though, and did some research.

Bats are rather interesting creatures and are not "evil," but "shy, gentle and intelligent." I've also heard that they are very maternal. I always thought they were blind, but they are not...there are so many things I believed about them that are not true:

-https://books.google.com/books?id=jTO23DDYC9AC&pg=PA21&dq=why+do+bats+have+rabies&hl=en&sa=X&ei=Z10AVYf_OebgsAS29YDADQ&ved=0CEsQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&q=why%20do%20bats%20have%20rabies&f=false

-http://www.nwf.org/Kids/Ranger-Rick/Animals/Mammals/Bat-Myths.aspx

-http://batworld.org/myths_facts_page/

I don't know why I feel sorry for bats, but I do...maybe it's the misunderstood part that gets to me the most. I certainly get "misunderstood."

Emotions are both amazing and horrid. This is from today's New York Times:

One innate response to this type of environment is for the child to develop chronic shame. He interprets his distress, which is caused by his emotional aloneness, as a personal flaw. He blames himself for what he is feeling and concludes that there must be something wrong with him. This all happens unconsciously. For the child, shaming himself is less terrifying than accepting that his caregivers can’t be counted on for comfort or connection.

To understand Brian’s type of shame, it helps to know that there are basically two categories of emotions. There are core emotions, like anger, joy and sadness, which when experienced viscerally lead to a sense of relief and clarity (even if they are initially unpleasant). And there are inhibitory emotions, like shame, guilt and anxiety, which serve to block you from experiencing core emotions.

Read more here:

 http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/03/10/its-not-always-depression/?ref=opinion

As for what I wrote in my last entry, though I hate that I can't seem to let it go, I haven't changed how I feel, especially when I read things like this (which showed up on writer Zoe Amos's Facebook feed a little bit ago):

The number of suicides among LGBT youth is higher than their straight demographic, approximately four times higher. Estimates by the Suicide Prevention Resource Center state between 30 to 40 percent of LGBT youth consider suicide. That number rises to over 40 percent for transgender youth. LGBT youth are more likely to be depressed, use illegal drugs and engage in risky behavior. As meaningful and tragic as these numbers are, accurate statistics are hard to come by as sexual orientation and gender identity may be hidden.

The accurate statistic I know is the life of a young person is gone and nothing will change that fact. A few weeks ago, I read about another young person elsewhere in the county who also committed suicide. Seeing these articles makes me feel sad for what could have been. To me, they are not just statistics. I did not know them, but I know their lives mattered.

This month marks the 35th anniversary of my sister’s suicide. I can tell you the questions surrounding her death linger to this day. It saddens me to know she was in so much pain that she took her life. To this day, I despair that she could not get to a place where she could have begun to thrive again, to be the happier person I like to remember, and when I see articles about other young people in similar situations, I feel sadness for them and their loved ones. Yes, it’s personal.

Beyond the sadness, there is hope; hope that other young people will listen to others who say “It gets better.” When you take your life, you remove all chances for that better life. You remove the chance to help others in a similar situation.

Help is available. The It Gets Better Project is a way you can help others and is a great resource if you need help. They recommend the Trans Lifeline, a transgender crisis hotline at (877) 565-8860. The Trevor Project specifically addresses LGBT youth concerns at (866)-4-U-TREVOR (866) 488-7386. You can also call the national Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255).


To the anti-gay crowd that would say, being gay itself is what makes you suicidal, I would say no. It's how the people close to you in your life so hatefully feel about gays and lesbians that makes you want to harm yourself. Trust me on this.

It's easy to say no one can make you feel or do something (generally I agree with that) but when loved ones explicitly place conditions on their love for you and one of those conditions is "not being gay" you can turn in on yourself, want to eliminate what causes both their suffering and yours.

This is especially hard for teens and my heart aches terribly for them. This is why I detest "ex-gay therapy." Suicide should never be an answer to any kind of suffering and yet there are many poor souls who feel it's the only way out. They need help and compassion, not hate and judgment. Most of all they need love, most of all from their friends and their family.

You can read more: here