A well-meaning friend called me up to tell me about this 'documentary' on Reelz not too long ago. She knows how much I love the Carpenters and wanted to let me know it was on, which, at first, I thought was good as it was new to me and I had not heard about it at all and have always just absolutely loved Karen's amazing voice and been charmed by how sweet and kind she seemed as a person.

Not too far into watching 'Goodbye to Love,' though, I realized it was going the way of tabloid tv rather than PBS (which has also shown a documentary on Karen, and her brother, and actually is a documentary).

I am sure they had good intentions being involved with the production of 'Goodbye to Love,' but Karen's friends and acquaintances showing up in interview clips stuck in between very tacky actor reenactments...well, it all just struck me as very sad and very wrong and very disrespectful and I had to stop watching mid-way through.

What happened to Karen was something full of sorrow and full of a personal horror that only Karen herself could truly know and that she suffered in silence and to have people speculating about what caused her anorexia and what was in her heart and to have tv producers spinning her story like it is something sensational for ratings...well, that just adds a whole other kind of sadness to something that still feels as heartbreaking as if it just happened yesterday.

I so dislike the words "sexual identity" and "sexual minority." Though I think well-meaning people can use these words I also think that the far right and very conservative Christians use them to emphasize "sex" so they can feel better about being homophobic or, worse, feel okay with demonizing gay people.

Maybe homophobic do not see this or maybe they might not even be capable of grasping this, but being gay is not about sex. It really is not, at least not for people like me who are celibate and/or virgins. I would like to give anti-gay people the benefit of the doubt and believe that they would feel differently if they knew how much gays and lesbians suffering from being marginalized (or even hated or abused) because of who they are, but I am not so sure. 

What I am sure about it is that for those of who who are gay, especially lesbians (who I think tend to be ridiculed even within their own community for this), finding novels like the one below is very, very rare and much appreciated:

a rare and special thing, where a main character is a lesbian and a virgin and an adult

Never has a book hit so uncomfortably close to my truth...I want to keep reading and yet I do not...

The story of she who shall go nameless is real, but cannot be told. I must have started it fifty different times, but because I care so much I just can't get it right. I have the words, but I don't have the words, they are in my heart, but I can't dig them out. They most likely should stay there anyway...and I know, I know SO much, that they must be ignored or forgotten, but they refuse to be😔I love a woman who does not love me: big deal, not to anyone else, but to me it really is and all I can do is just keep it to myself, steer clear of her whenever I can and be the mature woman I know I am way deep down inside.

How I feel when I am with my cat  :)