The older I get the more I find myself losing patience with explicit love scenes in books. Not because I am intensely disgusted or turned off, or even affronted, but because I believe that you can have love without sex and that sex is made way too much a big deal of and is absolutely meaningless without love.

Not that I know this personally...I am a virgin and most likely always will be. I believe, really really believe that I am asexual and I only become more and more convinced of this as the years go on.  

This can be a problem in dating, no matter what your orientation, but it especially seems to be a problem in the lesbian community. It is both sad and funny (not ha-ha funny, it should go without saying) that far right Christians have such an odd fascination with the sexual aspect(s) of being gay that that is all they see and that many lesbians will often run the other way if you confide that you are a romantic asexual...meaning you want the cuddling and kisses and hugs that can come with romantic love but NOT the sex.

Asexuality is a theme that still has a _long_ way to go in being represented in lesfic (or any fiction), but I am pretty satisfied with what I have discovered so far and only hope that someday soon there will be lots more...not only because I really dislike reading graphic sex scenes, but because, on a deeper level, it is nice to know you are not alone in being an 'oddball.'

If I could have any superpower in the world (after being able to turn invisible at will) it would be to have complete control over my emotions and to put chains around my heart. 

But since I do not have any superpowers and it is up to ME to figure all of this out myself I will start here:

https://www.wikihow.com/Control-Your-Emotions

and also by realizing it is not what people say or write, but what they do and how they communicate with their body language that tells you how it really is...I think I am finally ready to move on with how I have been feeling about someone and if I do have a broken heart, well, maybe that is a good thing and next time I will not be so incredibly, incredibly stupid. From now my heart is going to be much, much more locked up and less foolish.

If I had read this book up until a few years ago I would have absolutely despised it and had nothing but bad things to say. As it is there ARE mostly bad things to say about Desperate Asylum (and it is most definitely not 'brilliant'), but I cannot deny that Fletcher Flora (a very underrated writer) got some things right and there were times I was reading this I became convinced he must have written under a pen name during his career as a writer. If you are of a certain age (or live in an area that is still very much behind the times in accepting gay people) many parts of Desperate Asylum (especially the self-hatred gay men and women constantly can live with) will ring true for you. If you have been blessed enough or strong enough and have never lived with feelings of intense self-loathing then there really is nothing here that will resonate with you. Desperate Asylum is a never-ending flow of outdated ideas and beliefs and is not at all ready to accept gays or lesbians as anything but abnormal. And it does not help that one of the main characters, Lisa, is a walking, talking stereotype and not at all likable. One thing that kept cycling through my mind as I read this was the thought that even nowadays there are some of us who would desperately do anything not to be gay and yet know that there is no way not to be.

In the more than thirty years that I have known (and for so many of them tried to fight against it, no matter what the cost or damage) I was gay I have seen and heard everything when it comes to homophobia and its vicious hatred. 

I suspect that if you are anti-gay (especially if you are very anti-gay) that what I want and am struggling to say will not make much difference to you. On both sides it is so hard for us to change our minds on important issues, especially very controversial and heated ones, and I know that it is near impossible for me to change how I see things…and I know that I certainly cannot change who I am, even if I am trying to desperately change HOW I am.

Ever since I have known about ‘that’ part of me, I have done absolutely everything well-meaning (I am going to give conservative Christians the benefit of the doubt and assume you ARE well-meaning) homophobic people say we ‘homosexuals’ should do: I pray away the gay every day (even though it has yet to ‘take’), I avoid the woman I like (and have emotional and romantic feelings) for whenever possible even though there are times she and I have to be around each other, I have been celibate and plan on always being so.

The thing is you can try and differentiate between ‘practicing homosexuals’ and ‘non-practicing’ ones all you want, but there really is no difference, not in the end, even if celibacy does require restraint and sacrifice. Anyone who has struggled with all her might against being a lesbian, anyone whose heart has been broken, whose heartstrings have been tugged and breath taken away in the purest and most sincere of ways by the love that all people feel, straight and gay…well, she will tell you that being gay is not about sex and that it is not something that can be removed from you. 

‘Ex-gay therapy’ does not work (believe me, it just does not and it does more harm than good) and the only ‘therapy’ I know that does work shall not go mentioned here because it is a horrible and very final way therapy to take away who you are, with no coming back or next days after.

You may hate gay people so much that your hate stands in the way of your seeing this: trying to take away love from someone and treat them so cruelly that she thinks (seriously, seriously, considers and even may act on) of taking her own life…well, that just does not seem like good Christianity to me.

You may not know that I specifically am gay, but when I (or anyone else who may be) happens to hear your thoughtless comments (in the workplace at that!) it can be unbearable. 

It might sound like a little thing, but still, for people like me, who read lesfic and almost always have to pay for it as most public libraries do not carry it...it hurts a lot to see hundreds and hundreds of straight romance paperbacks in libraries, bookstores, Walmart and even the grocery store.

There is no such outlet for gay and lesbian readers of romance who, even now in 2017, mostly rely on ebooks for their 'stash,' not only because that is predominantly how gay and lesbian romance novels are most available, but also because iPhones and ereaders and tablets offer the most safety...safety in terms of being judged for what you are reading or, worse, literally fearing that you will somehow be outed. Unless it is a specialized book store, in a very big city like San Francisco or New York, there are just no places to easily access this kind of fiction

Attitudes towards anything that is not traditional or mainstream romance are still very much exist, outdated and offensive but no less alive because of that. They remind me of an episode of Ellen's sitcom that aired in the 90s. In it, her character approaches the vendor of a newsstand and she asks for the latest issue of the Advocate. He points to a section and says, "over there with the other porn."  Advocate, by the way, is not considered porn, but, sadly, some people think of LGBTQ fiction and publications in that way.

It breaks my heart.