I just wanted to elaborate a little more on internalized homophobia. I asked AI to define it. Not everything that follows below* is what I have experienced. In a world where being queer was more accepted and less demonized (and to a less important extent, where I was pretty and dateable), I would be almost weightless in my soul.

But we don't live in that kind of world (especially now!) and I am not a candidate for Ms. Right For Me, so I do find myself self-hating and self-doubting my innocence and right to exist. And I worry a lot about all the other people out there who are going through challenges and heartache and feeling like they may have to completely disappear or shut down just to survive, both figuratively and literally.

Internalized homophobia is when someone internalizes negative beliefs and feelings about LGBTQ+ people, and applies those beliefs to themselves. It can cause people to feel discomfort or disapproval with their own same-sex attractions, or even reject their sexual orientation

Causes 

Internalized homophobia can be caused by society's negative perceptions, intolerance, and stigma toward LGBTQ+ people.

• It can also be caused by the assumption that everyone is or should be heterosexual.

Effects

Internalized homophobia can lead to self-hatred, mental and physical health issues, and problems with intimacy. 
It can also cause people to isolate themselves from queer people, or to bully and discriminate against openly gay people. 

Signs 

Feeling discomfort or disapproval with same-sex attractions
Punishing oneself for having queer thoughts and feelings
Avoiding gay/queer peers or colleagues
Defending or excusing homophobia

My fears for the next four years for anyone who is not a straight white man are growing stronger each day.

I swore that I would not write or obsess about Trump again, but the past few days have made it so very difficult not to do so. He has hit the ground running with his extreme agenda and executive orders that are so alarming I cannot think clearly enough to convey what I want to say. 

I've always had some amount of internalized homophobia (though rarely outward) but it has been especially activated the past few days and never have I been this afraid to live in this country. The days of feeling fairly safe that I had ten years ago are completely gone now.

But for a moment yesterday I was comforted by these words Reverend Maryann Budde spoke before Trump:

“In the name of our God, I ask you to have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now. There are gay, lesbian, and transgender children in Democratic, Republican, and independent families. Some who fear for their lives.”

In an interview later she said: “I wanted to counter, as gently as I could, with a reminder of their humanity and their place in our wider community.And I was speaking to the president because I felt that he has this moment now where he feels charged and empowered to do what he feels called to do. And I wanted to say, you know, there is room for mercy. There‘s room for a broader compassion. We don’t need to portray with a broad cloth in the harshest of terms, some of the most vulnerable people in our society who are in fact our neighbors, our friends, our children, our friends, children and so forth."

Trump went on a tirade about Rev. Buddes, calling for a public apology from her. Imagine finding fault with and getting angry with someone who is only asking for compassion for everyone. And this is only his first week.

 

I'm reading Carrie again for the first time in 40 years so I'm not surprised I don't remember a lot of it, besides iconic imagery that is most likely more from the film. I think what most gets to me is the cruelty Carrie faces from everyone in her life. I just don't remember the level of intensity of it, heartbreaking and monstrous, which makes me wonder if I only imagined I read it before. Stephen King's books came into my life probably way sooner than they should have (I was only 10 when I first read one of his books) but horror seemed perfectly suited for middle and high school years at the time.

Rest in peace, David Lynch. You transformed so many tv and movie fans' lives, in ways that never could have been imagined.

On April 8 it will be 35 years since Twin Peaks debuted on ABC Television. I remember the night it aired well. It was a Sunday and I was home from college and intrigued by an ad in that week’s issue of TV Guide. At nine o’clock that evening, very few people could say they knew what was about to unfold and Twin Peak’s future destiny as one of the most influential programs of its time.

I became obsessed from the moment Laura Palmer’s body washed up on shore. Totally. Obsessed. I wanted to buy The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, but instead settled for sneaking reads at the News Center in Ellicott City’s Chatham Mall, because I was too afraid to buy it and bring it home with me.(Over the years I did end up buying it and it is every bit as nightmarish as you would think it would be).

Twin Peaks stood out for so many different reasons: its extremely quirky characters and haunting music, its compelling mystery and tragic central figure, often unseen, but still always there.

Many viewers found that Twin Peaks held deeper, more haunting themes beyond its central mystery. The show demands that its audience not only acknowledge the existence of sexual violence, but also face the unsettling truth that our culture, in many ways, tolerates and even permits violence against women.

One of the most poignant moments that underscores this theme occurs at Laura's funeral. Bobby Briggs, in a heart-wrenching outburst, blames the entire town for her tragic death. With raw emotion, he exclaims, "Everybody knew she was in trouble, but we didn’t do anything. All you good people. You want to know who killed Laura? You did! We all did."

Sheryl Lee, who portrayed Laura Palmer, echoed this sentiment in her reflections. She wondered aloud why no one in the community recognized Laura’s desperation. “Why didn’t anyone do anything to help? There were signs everywhere. There were symptoms of how much pain this girl was in. And the other thing is, how many men were involved in her destruction?”

I was trying to find the right search words to see if other people experience their dreams the way I do and discovered this thread on Reddit:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Dreams/comments/13x1duc/do_your_dreams_take_place_in_a_consistent/

And Google's AI Overview brought up this, though I would not use the word "recurring" so much for my dreams:

Recurring Themes:

People often experience recurring dreams with consistent elements, which could be interpreted as a link to a specific parallel reality where certain situations repeatedly play out.

I do have the kind of recurring dreams that are considered textbook (i.e. haven't gone to class all semester, teeth fall out), but I also have dreams that pick up from the previous night's or contain the same places. 

For instance, there is a thriving mall that is often in my dreams and I saw it so vividly the first time that I mapped it out the next morning and saved it so I could compare it to the dreams that followed over the next days and weeks.

My dream life is often far more vivid and exciting than my waking, real life, but it is so extreme and so vibrant that it scares me more than anything else.

Even the bookstore and record store I frequent in my dreams scare me (the mall looks like it could be from the 1980s, but it looks nothing like the mall near me that I have been going to for more than 40 years).

In the bookstore I am often handed (aggressively, I might add) scores of romance novels (often Harlequins) when I am not asking for them and in the record store I am often finding "new" Carpenters albums, which might sound neat on paper, but is exhausting and sad.

My family history is often even more distorted from my real family history, but is chronological from dream to dream. My coworkers appear a lot as well.

Someone I terribly wronged (good intentions or not) decades ago shows up, too, but unlike with what happened in real life, she always seems glad to see me and we are friends. Those are some of my best dreams, but are somehow worse than my most frightening ones, because those good dreams are so far from the truth it's heartbreaking.