I tried the herb Passion Flower the other night and it relaxed me within an hour, but not as much as I had hoped or read it would. I took one pill a few hours before bed and the second one right before bed.

It is a coincidence, obviously, but both nights I had a recurring dream that visits me every few months. It's never a dream I welcome and I have spent decades trying to rid myself of it. But it seems to destined to stay with me, perhaps because I'm seeking closure I can never get. 

To try and find that closure would be one of the most selfish things I've ever done and I've done a lot of selfish things in my lifetime.  Apologizing can be a good and decent and right thing to do, but in my situation I am pretty sure it could be triggering and just plain wrong. 

It doesn't matter that I was young and had good intentions. Perception is reality and good intentions don't always bring good results.

I am not proud to say that when I broke my wrist more than a year and a half ago, I found the oxy I took for the pain to be one of the few things I ever took that gave me a minute's rest from anxiety and overthinking. But, understandably, there are no refills on oxy and that's as it should be.

Having given wine up back in early January, I miss that comfort as well. But I cannot go back to drinking. I can't and I won't. But it's so hard sometimes.

 

Even though I usually find nostalgia rather suffocating (is going backwards ever truly good? would anyone ever want to relive middle school? were things really that good "back in the day"?) I find myself a little bit wistful as I listen to the playlist that goes with the book I'm currently reading: Disco Witches of Fire Island.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1RiaOVNJBQbgCC8yqcLUpR?flow_ctx=34468287-d2c8-45a8-ad8d-cdab722a5b69%3A1755136129&creation_point=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fplaylist%2F1RiaOVNJBQbgCC8yqcLUpR%3Fsp_cid%3Dfa4b9652fded8aa719288cdef4ed8b61%26device%3Ddesktop

The song choices are fantastic and I look back with a fondness that I am sure is not always worthy of the real events vs. what I choose to remember. 

Some of my memories I'm sure are really as good as I remember

https://open.spotify.com/track/1SwyDb5qUcLjukFqSCRqxy

And those are the mental places I find myself escaping to briefly while the world becomes more of a shitake storm with every day that passes.

But memories aside, for now, I just want to say how much I adore this book so far and how much it makes me want to re-watch American Horror Story: Coven, my favorite season and something that shares a deep appreciation of Stevie Nicks. I hope to return to write more about this fabulous read.

And just because I want to add this song (which also shows up in Disco Witches):  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEM8TspcCBY

I haven't written in a long time because I have been so preoccupied with my cat. He went through most of July with a very, very strong reaction to a shot called Solensia that he received for his arthritis.

The vet agreed that we need to explore other options for his treatment as the Solensia caused caused him great discomfort. 

He had to see the vet four times throughout July, including one visit to the ER vet. He occupied even more of my mind and heart than he usually does. And since I consider him the love of my life (you can laugh, if you like, it's okay) that's saying something.

Sunday night, in one of his first bouts of super-sized energy in weeks, he chased a mouse throughout my apartment. The mouse got away but mouser that he is, Henry is on souped-up patrol. Except for bathroom and meal breaks he returns to his stake-out spot, with barely a meow for me. I am terrified of mice but glad to see Henry excited about something.

I read that cats get very excited when on the hunt and that their brains react like human brains can to playing video games. Both yesterday morning and today he barely acknowledged me when I kissed him bye before leaving for work. 

I always say a prayer with him and tell him what time I'll be home and he always seems to listen (and know exactly when I'll be home) but ever since Sunday night he's more like "hmm, okay."

I keep thinking of just how amazing My Mom Jayne is and how emotionally powerful.  This particularly wonderful quote from Mariska's stepmother keeps circling and circling within me and I cannot deny its truth:

"There's no way when you love somebody that they ever leave your heart. I don't care who, I don't care how angry you are, I don't care anything. If you really love somebody they remain in there." 

I've noticed lately that the stats section of my blogger is oddly very high. Now, since I know that as much as I love writing and find peace in it I am not a particularly riveting writer, I seriously question the legitimacy of these figures.

Are there bots generating the traffic or could there be thousands of readers in Brazil and Vietnam reading what I write? I would be thrilled if there really were, but somehow I think not. 

What I don't get about it, though, is why they are targeting my blog. Wouldn't the creator of a website or blog be the one to generate false stats, not an outsider? I'm scratching my head on this one.

I Googled to find out more about fake stats and traffic bots:

AI Overview

In relation to bot activity and traffic, Brazil and Vietnam appear in several recent analyses and reports, particularly regarding cybercrime and bot farm operations. 

Brazil:

• Cybercrime Epicenter: Brazil is consistently ranked as a significant source of malware, bots, spam, and phishing attacks. A specific botnet, "Horabot," originating in Brazil, has been active since at least November 2020, delivering banking trojans and spam tools to victims, primarily Spanish speakers. This botnet targets sensitive information like credentials and financial data.
• Large-scale Botnets: Brazil has been identified as a hub for large botnet operations. The BadBox 2.0 botnet, for instance, infected 1.6 million devices globally, with 400,000 active within Brazil. These devices are used for launching DDoS attacks, spreading malware, and creating proxy networks for illicit activities.
• Political Manipulation: Bots have been observed as influential tools in Brazilian political discourse, particularly during elections. They can inflate the appearance of support for specific candidates or viewpoints by rapidly posting content at the extremes of the political spectrum. 

Vietnam:

• Bot Farm Operations: Vietnam is identified as a location for bot farms, which use numerous fake social media accounts to manipulate algorithms and create the impression of trending topics or public sentiment. Human operators in these farms might be assigned topics to provoke outrage, further driving engagement and virality.
• Sophisticated Scams: Vietnam-based hackers have been linked to using fake AI video generator websites to distribute malware, highlighting their use of advanced tactics.
• Growing Bad Actor Presence: In a 2019 analysis, Vietnam ranked among the countries hosting the most "bad actors" in absolute terms and generating a high proportion of malicious traffic relative to its population. 

General Trends:

• Advanced Bots and AI: The rise of advanced AI and machine learning is fueling the development of more sophisticated bots that can mimic human behavior and evade detection.
• Profitable Cybercrime: The increasing prevalence of bot attacks and bot farm operations indicates the high profitability of these activities for cybercriminals. 

In summary, both Brazil and Vietnam are significant locations in the landscape of online bot activity and cybercrime, with specific focus on botnets, fraudulent operations, and manipulation of online narratives.