Acceptance is key to inner peace

from Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight:

"Why do you hate me so much?” I heard myself ask. Part of me was glad that I had. The other, smarter part of me wanted to throttle that first part. “Tell me what I’m doing and I’ll try to stop, I swear.”

“Can you stop being you?” Zadie asked quietly. Her face was so close now. Close enough that we could have kissed. “I mean, if you can, that would be awesome. Otherwise, I guess we’ll have to stick with me hating you.”

The scene relates to a much larger bullying problem that is at the center of this riveting and well-written novel, yet you don't have to be bullied to long to ask someone this in real life.

I almost found myself going up to someone today and asking her this, but then I realized: a) of course not everyone is going to like you and b) if someone takes a dislike to you and (as far as you know) there's nothing you can do about it, what is asking "why do you hate me so much?" really going to change about the situation? 

I would love to say to her "tell me what I'm doing and I'll try to stop," but my gut instinct tells me there's nothing I could do, that the reason is because of who I am and not what I do. 

And, of course, there's the harsh, but simple truth that sometimes people don't even have to have a reason to dislike us. :(

A perfect song for a "find your strength" day!

"They Told Me" is a powerhouse of a song, perfect for channeling during the crappiest of moments. The music is just so high-energy, the words so k.a. that you can't help but want to have a better day!

Listen while you read!

Never have I had, a rational mind and
Never have I been, rational inside
My good, my heart and my head
That’s the way they’ve always been

Never gonna change, who I am
Just cause you’ll never understand
Never gonna apologize
For being so intense
How the hell would that make sense

[Chorus]
They told me, they told me to get over it
They told me, they told me,
They told me to get over it
They told me, they told me

I am not ashamed of what’s inside of me
And I will never ever be
Jealousy is an untamed beast
And an untamed beast lives inside of me

[Chorus] x 2
They told me, they told me to get over it
They told me, they told me,
They told me to get over it
They told me, they told me
But I will never get over it.

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/sallie-ford-the-sound-outside/they-told-me-lyrics/#01xCjwuyPyZ8OR7Q.99

Listen while you read!

Never have I had, a rational mind and
Never have I been, rational inside
My good, my heart and my head
That’s the way they’ve always been

Never gonna change, who I am
Just cause you’ll never understand
Never gonna apologize
For being so intense
How the hell would that make sense

[Chorus]
They told me, they told me to get over it
They told me, they told me,
They told me to get over it
They told me, they told me

I am not ashamed of what’s inside of me
And I will never ever be
Jealousy is an untamed beast
And an untamed beast lives inside of me

[Chorus] x 2
They told me, they told me to get over it
They told me, they told me,
They told me to get over it
They told me, they told me
But I will never get over it.

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/sallie-ford-the-sound-outside/they-told-me-lyrics/#01xCjwuyPyZ8OR7Q.99

They Told Me
Never have I had a rational mind
Never have I been rational inside
My gut, my heart and my head
That’s the way they’ve always been
Never gonna change who I am
Just because you’ll never understand
Never gonna apologize for being so intense
How the hell would that make any sense
They told me to get over it
Hell I’m not ashamed of what’s inside of me
And I will never ever be
Jealousy is an untamed beast
And that untamed beast lives inside of me
They told me to get over it
But I will never get over it.

“Live by the harmless untruths that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle 

 Happy Monday!

At times zany and totally "out there," Kurt Vonnegut's writing is always intelligent, thoughtful and surprisingly kind and humanistic.

So many of his words give me hope, especially the above two quotes. He may be my favorite writer after Henry James and on trying days I think of both of the above passages and find hope in them.

Even if some of the outlandish things I believe (that someday we can find world peace or that there is a lid for every pot when it comes to love) turn out to be completely untrue, as long as they are harmless to others and I keep things in perspective, what's so wrong in believing wonderful things? :) 

Ever since I heard "Stupid Girl" in 1995, I have been a fan of the band Garbage.

After "Beautiful Garbage" first came out I listened to it feverishly for weeks on end. I would put it on during my treks through a local park, I played it in my car and on my stereo during early evening. It sort of became a "breakup" album, the kind of music you listen to leech out and attack emotional pain.

Last night I took it off my CD rack and listened to it and I fell in love with "Beautiful Garbage" all over again.

Soulful medicine that tugs at you can be found in tracks such as "So Like A Rose," a song so fragile and pretty it's like a deer you don't want to frighten away. The same goes for the equally powerful but subtly different "Cup of Coffee" and "Drive You Home." Lead singer Shirley Manson combines sweet vulnerability and strength in a way few female singers do. (Well with the possible exception of Aimee Mann, but her music is not really the same at all.)

The more rock-driven titles that are catchy but not so pop that they lose their power include "Shut Your Mouth" (raw and edgy and a much better--and more appropriate--song for female empowerment than "I am Women, Hear Me Roar" ever was) and "Til The Day I Die" (a high-powered lament about loving someone more than you would prefer.)

I love this album so much I've gone through three copies over the years!!

Late this afternoon, after work, I did something I never ever do: I went by the liquor store. I didn't get anything too heavy, mostly because I can count on one hand how many times I've had alcohol in my life and I've never been drunk. I don't plan on it in the future, either.

It's weird how I pass by the place whenever I go to the local Giant grocery store and not once have I seen a woman go in or out of the door. I swore to myself when I was younger that I would never go in one because I'd seen firsthand what alcohol did to members of my family. I associated going in during the day as something almost devilish and disturbing.

But today I went in anyway and, just as I'd seen among many exits over the years, there were only men inside. No one paid me any attention, but I still felt like I was out of place.

I bought Seagram's Calypso Colada and, besides being the exact shade of the Caribbean ocean, it tastes heavenly...a huge surprise for me since the taste of wine, beer or any other like it has never appealed to me. But there is one thing I remember from the few times I've imbibed and that's the pleasant numbness that starts to spread through you. You forget things that bother you and even relax to the point you find nothing wrong with the world at all.

Of course, this is not something I want to get in the habit of, at all. I hate the thought of using numbness to try and feel better about things. It's not healthy nor is it any kind of solution at all. And it won't make forget what I most want to forget.

It has given me an odd clarity, though, on the situation I write about here from time to time. I realize in all this unrequited love mess, or crush (or whatever it is), that I don't want the person to like me back. It's not only impossible and wrong, it's not what's at the heart of the problem for me.

Ever since I discovered I have feelings for her, I've been wrestling with intense guilt. And I guess I would love (more than anything else related to it) to know that if she did know she would somehow find it possible to forgive me.


...

In a slightly related manner, I did a Google search and found this terrific wiki how article on being indifferent:

how to be indifferent