I had the weirdest dream last night and it upset me a lot, not because it was a bad dream, but because it was a good one. In the dream, the building where I work was transported to what I think was the Atlantic City boardwalk, which I used to know well and love as a child.

It was a pretty day and I got to see people from all walks of my life, not just my present. The person I like, the person I have been trying not like for the longest time, even showed up, smiling peacefully at me, which is so not how it would be in real life.

Even more than I do with nightmares, I really work hard to come out of a good dream. Good dreams have a way of making you feel worse once you awake. I swam up from out of my dream (I swear, sometimes, trying to wake up feels like you've been down at the bottom of an ocean and are trying to resurface) and turned on my dvd player to watch "I Love Lucy."

In the old days, when I felt this kind of lonely, I'd pretend somewhere, way far out in outer space, perhaps, there was someone I'd meet someday, someone who could like me back. That used to get me through unbearably quiet days when a teddy bear just wouldn't do.

Now, I know better...false hope is better than no hope at all. And, yet, when I see other people sometimes feel the same way (as below), I wonder if it's not totally bad to still hold out (however unrealistic it may be to) thinking there might be a day you meet that someone special.

There was a time in my life not so long ago, that I experienced a moment that could only be described as pure love and happiness.

It was as if love and happiness were finally real to me and were something tangible, embodied in that moment.

They were in everything I could hear, touch, taste and smell.
I could see them with my very eyes – reflected back at me in someone else’s.
They were all around me, breathing life into me, as if wrapping me up in a blanket.

And in that moment I caught a glimpse of something.
A parallel universe - a way things could have been.
An alternate reality where that love and happiness were mine to keep, a place where I didn’t have to let them go.

I only hope that one day…. many years from now when I am an old lady and I close my eyes for the last time – I will open them again and find myself there. 

― Ranata Suzuki  (as seen on Goodreads)

Do cover artists ever actually the read the descriptions of the characters they're drawing? Ridiculously perfect misrepresentation...

I read for companionship as much as I do for enlightenment and entertainment, but the most recent book I read left a bad feeling inside that would welcome loneliness any day.

Right from the start, the premise of Three's A Crowd struck me as beyond unsettling. Tossing aside (for the moment) how profoundly disturbing I find the idea of a "threesome," I find the main character's eagerness to please her boyfriend (despite the misgivings she tries to hide from both him and herself) even more troubling.

No one who truly loves you should ever pressure you (in this case by hinting what a "bore" you are) to do something you don't want to do. "You would if you loved me...," especially in this case, is emotional blackmail; that should be black and white, without question.

Just as with another Q. Kelly novel I read (A Woman Unleashed, where the female lead kills and goes on to live happily ever with a woman who is quite comfortable with the fact she's a murderer) I felt my skin actually crawl. No matter that there were indeed some actual passages that reached out to me:

"There’s a cheesy romantic in everyone, huh? I always wondered what it’d be like to find that one person—a soul mate. I don’t believe in them, but I’d like to look in that person’s eyes and know this is the one. She’s the one. She can make my pain go away. Don’t need rings for that, but this is pretty. It really is.”

It actually hurt a little (because, no matter what else, Q. Kelly is a gifted writer) that both the boyfriend and the other woman Carol's boyfriend wants to bring into the picture lie right and left. Because, ultimately, the book (thank goodness) is not really about a threesome, Carol falls in love with Ennis, the "number three" (as her boyfriend jokes like the jerk he is) who ends up breaking her heart.

Despite some great writing and two plot twists I didn't see coming, I still found the novel to be a huge mess and the ending quite ridiculous. It's both a prequel and a "companion" story to the first book in the series, Strange Bedfellows, an equally far-fetched story, but one with more backbone and better morals.

Now, thanks to American Pulp, I'm starting this (available on Kindle and the basis for the classic noir film of the same name):

Tuesday odds and ends, mostly odds...

I never knew about this side of Anais Nin. I find her diaries very down-to-earth and interesting.

I love Digitally Imported's music app. It's all upbeat, usually with techno (not so fond of), trance (it's okay) and electro synth (pretty darn good!) It's free (unless you don't want to listen to ads or see them at the top of your screen, then you pay) and has a wide variety of "channels," including this really neat one that mixes swing with electronic:

There's also a lot to choose from in the "chill" department and I really need to chill tonight so I'm listening to this station "Clump of Trees" is gorgeous, by the way.  :) 

Clump of Trees," Float 11

 I've recently discovered Elisabeth Sanxay Holding, who wrote terrific crime novels and lived from 1889-1955. To read more about her you can go here:

http://www.criminalelement.com/blogs/2013/03/the-godmother-of-noir-elisabeth-sanxay-holding-jake-hinkson-the-blank-wall-the-reckless-moment-thee-deep-end-tilda-swinton

You can download some of her titles onto Kindle, Nook or iBooks free through this link:

http://www.munseys.com/detail/mode/author/Elisabeth_Sanxay_Holding

I woke up from a bad dream last night and my anxiety felt so intense I put a jacket on over my clothes and went outside, into the parking lot, just so I could get some air and breathe properly...all because of a book I read yesterday, which only got to me because it reminded me too much of real life and missing things, as the main character had, that most others have experienced as part of the human cycle.

Then, I get to work today and I long to be back on my staycation because I just don't do really well around people, especially people I like and want to actually talk with, but end up turning away in something that could almost be called terror.

One reason I like books so much is that they give you the illusion of being around people, without presenting the physical chance of messing up those interactions with people.

I keep hoping I'll get the swing of it, but I either turn into Beaker from The Muppets or I shut down completely.

A great article on Robert Osborne in yesterday's New York Times is linked below. He is such a charming man and so interconnected with Turner Classic Movies it's impossible to think of one without the other:

 

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/11/23/movies/robert-osborne-is-the-face-of-tcm.html?referrer=&_r=0

And, from a new book on music called The Art of Noise: Conversations with Great Songwriters by Daniel Rachel, here's a little background from the late Robin Gibb on the story behind The Bee Gees' "Jive Talkin":

 

This also caught my eye today. It's a fascinating look at pulp fiction. I can't wait to have a chance to read it more; it's loaded with so much information! :