I saw this on Whisper earlier today. Whisper is a "secret confessions" app you can get through the Apple store. It's geared (I'm pretty sure) for a much younger crowd than I belong to, yet I love reading Whispers since so many of them are easy to relate to and almost can dull the ache of your own experiences.

 

I hate to think of others suffering, yet a part of me also feels comfort knowing complete strangers would get what you are going through in life. The Whisper above is one of the less serious ones, but it's still universal and it is pretty darn painful to wake up after a beautiful dream.

In honor of finishing off a particularly harsh year of emotions getting the worst of me, I say #%^* off to 2014 with one last horribly honest post so I can exorcise these pesky little demons once and for all. 

There are advantages to not being "seen", especially when it comes to not being attractive or desirable.

You can go through most of your life wearing (unintentionally or not) your very own cloak of invisibility, no magic or superpowers necessary. 

You don't get asked (as each year that passes, midlife appears more and more in the rearview mirror) "why aren't you married?" (This, sadly, does not apply to one's own parents.)

You don't have to worry that the person you like ( whom you don't want to know you like) knows because she doesn't see you in any way that counts (see cloak of invisibility.) 

There is actually a certain clarity that comes with knowing you have absolutely no appeal as a possible romantic partner...to anyone. You never have to agonizingly wonder if someone might like you because past experience and the brutual truth only a mirror can provide offer the answer up right away, every day.

Of course when you feel you aren't really seen you also 

start to wonder if you exist in any way that is meaningful. I believe we were put on this to love and (hopefully) be loved back, but sometimes that doesn't happen. When a loving soul resides in a unlovable body it is pure torture to the soul inside that body.

You can deflect all you want (always laugh at yourself before anyone else gets a chance to) and you can pretend you don't care. But no matter how shy and awkward we may be even the most unlikely of us wants to share our heart with someone who could (somehow) want it.

Believing in New Year's Resolutions ultimately means nothing if I'm not willing to back them up with action. I so hope I do. I so hope 2015 is the year I finally get far more practical and lose the silly schoolgirl shlock that romance novels and movies love to feed. 

The current book I'm reading is driving me mad (quite literally.) I've had to put it down a few times and take deep breaths.

I know there are two sides to almost every story, but I have trouble seeing that when it comes to infidelity. And when that infidelity is related to having "suppressed your lesbian side" by getting married to a man, I am surprised that I have such little sympathy, given those actions are often driven by societal pressure and both internal and external homophobia.

I totally get the suppression part, I do. I've spent most of my adult life bottling up certain parts of me. But I've remained single instead. I didn't up and marry a man because I was so "scared" (as the main character in this book is) of who I really am. When a person does something like that they not only hurt themselves, they hurt other people (especially their spouse) as well.

Another part of the book that is upsetting is something that also happens in real life. One of the straight women (also married) in the story is intrigued by a lesbian she meets and giggles a lot and thinks how "neat" it would be to see what it's like with another woman. This infuriates me even more because it's all a matter of "play" to the woman. She doesn't want love, she wants an experiment and uses her fantasies to fuel her love life with her husband.

This kind of attitude (much as the kind that goes with a straight woman wanting to have her cake and eat it too) is incredibly painful to a lesbian who is single and honest as possible and trying to find real love. You can't go into traditional marriage because you want to deny who you are and then one day finally be true to yourself and yet still want to stay married to a man while you "date" your girlfriend.

Arghhh! I just want to scream so much right now, even as I desperately want to understand (maybe even empathize) since the far far right instill these beliefs (the kind "ex-gay therapy" supports) that to can lead to marriages ending and thereby possibly threatening a very sacred institution...the very thing homophobic organizations like N.O.M. say gay people do.

the best finds in cozy places...

 

It used to be I couldn't read when I was sad. Now, it seems, even when (or especially when) I'm not myself, it's most when I need to read. 

I have grown quite fond of ebooks, but it's still print that comforts me most...and old book shops that make me feel just the slightest bit close to Heaven.

This quote really applies to getting away from yourself by reading:

 “Books don't offer real escape, but they can stop a mind scratching itself raw.”

― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

Mostly odds...

It's been a while since I've read a Kate Sweetney novel (or, in this case, novella) so I'd almost (almost!) forgotten just how adorable, sweet and goofy her stories can be. This is the second smile-inducing read I've had the pleasure to experience this week.

I'm so glad Ms. Sweeney writes frequently (plus, more importantly, very well) so there's always more to look forward to with much eagerness. The Hypotenuse of Love (short as it is) is right up there with her wonderful Winds of Heaven.

Unless, you've been in a place where what you are is still an anathema to more than half the world you just can't imagine the solace you can find in words that help you feel less like a freak and more like a human whose only major crime is wanting to love (and be loved back) just as much as anyone else in the world.

I've gotten past more than I thought I would in 2014, so I hope 2015 is the year I finally stop seeing being gay as a big deal and maybe even find someone special. I'm open to that happening, but since experience has shown me it probably won't happen, I'm content to get my romance from reading.