A long time ago I used to be a huge stress eater. I would eat not just because I was hungry, but because it helped me forget things. Sometimes it was more like a zombie would eat than a human would. Other times it was not numbness I sought but extreme pleasure.

I tried everything, but it wasn't until I got Invisalign braces that my eating became more structured and I found myself breaking bad habits and losing weight. Plus, I found music to be a much better, healthier pain killer than food and, also, though I'm still working at it, meditation.

The one thing, though, I never thought (as "duh" obvious as it may be) is that food would be a substitute for desire.

I don't like the word "desire" (it makes me so uncomfortable) and I definitely don't like books without indexes (this one doesn't have one), but still I can't help but find Alexandra Jamieson's Women, Food and Desire both compelling and helpful.

While there is some rather self-evident stuff here ("it's time to start eating right"...yes, of course it is!) there's also some painfully familiar, but often not said enough stuff as well:

"The intense pressure we're under to be perceived as desirable, in an objectified way, has us either starving ourselves so we don't have to feel how lonely or sexually unfulfilled we may be...When sex becomes too dangerous for us to fully enjoy, food becomes our version of safe sex."

 

As well as the following:

 

I think "the peeling of the feminine onion" expression needs to go, but I do like the message here.

 

 

And other parts:

 

"What all of us need to really embrace is that sex isn't about what your body looks like...it's about what it feels."

 

"Most women who overeat do so to find some kind of emotional solace that aren't getting from themselves or other people."

 

"...and being accountable scares us. And no wonder, because if we become accountable, we run the risk of becoming seen and successful, and if we become successful...no one will like or love us. Or that's how some version of that thinking goes, but it's time for us to reject this kind of chatter as the toxic nonsense that it is."

 

Of the three aspects Ms. Jamieson stresses most throughout her book: off-kilter family relationships (who hasn't experienced those?), body alienation (whether we eat to lose ourselves in our own bodies or we don't eat as a way to try and disappear) and sexual pleasure (so many women sublimate food), the first two are the reasons this book is so helpful for me...

 

Here's what Kirkus Reviews has to say, exactly as it appears on their website:

 

Holistic health counselor and co-star of the award-winning documentary Super Size Me, Jamieson (Vegan Cooking for Dummies, 2010, etc.) tackles the age-old question of what women really want.

 

The author explains food cravings with the intent of helping women understand and overcome their private relationships with food. “It’s human nature, after all,” she writes, “to yearn, to long, to want, to desire.” Jamieson deconstructs how a habit such as stashing a “secret” chocolate croissant in an office desk drawer often becomes part of an unconscious daily routine. She explores the brain/body connection, identifying helpful techniques such as yoga, Pilates, conscious breathing and visualization that can help women better relate to their bodies and help calm their minds. The author also advocates for the practice of detoxing as a route to spiritual enlightenment, as well as a means for healing. “All of this may sound a little bit woo-woo and corny,” she writes, “but it’s not.” Jamieson dips into the science of neurogastroenterology, describing how “trusting your gut” by maintaining a healthy microbiome is a crucial aspect of overall health, and she discusses the importance of healthy sleep patterns and the joys of napping. Jamieson’s additional health prescriptions include less time spent sitting, avoiding artificial light when possible and getting more sunshine. The author advises a change of mindset; rather than thinking that you have to exercise, let loose and play like when you were a child. Jamieson weaves her personal reflections together with case studies of clients working on such issues as eliminating unhealthy foods from their diets, off-kilter family relationships, body alienation and sexual pleasure. The author includes links to her website offering helpful tips, interviews and quizzes on a variety of topics, including meditation, detox strategies and recipes for healthful smoothies.

Worth a look for those who enjoy self-help books focused on healthy lifestyles.

 

This passage is from a 1979 book called Feelings (Willard Gaylin, M.D.) that I found in a used book store a while back and just now pulled off my shelf. Old as it is, this passage sums up anxiety as well as any other source I've ever read on the subject...probably even better.

>>

catching up with the weekend papers...

I always preferred this to any of Herman Wouk's other books...I love that it recently received praise in the Wall Street Journal:

 

http://www.wsj.com/articles/paula-marantz-cohen-making-the-case-for-a-neglected-novel-marjorie-morningstar-1423871183

 

Also in the same edition...some interesting mystery novels are reviewed:

 

http://www.wsj.com/articles/book-review-the-whites-by-harry-brandt-richard-price-the-marauders-by-tom-cooper-and-unbecoming-by-rebecca-scherm-1423862750

This probably sounds really, really weird, but I think I have a new strategy for dealing with unrequited love.

Since I like someone who could never like me back the same way, or most likely in any way at all, and I just cannot seem to stop liking this person, I need to redirect the energy behind those feelings, since the feelings themselves just won't go away.

Instead of getting sad today when I saw her, I tried extra hard to be normal and decided to just (casually) enjoy whatever time I get to be around her and to use all my energy (and feelings) for our customers, especially the ones who really seemed to need it.

Everyone needs and deserves love, that's a given and critical...but for me, it's always been hard to know whether to show it or not...maybe I just have to stop worrying about it all and just be. You can't fight who you are and if you like people and want to show you do, maybe that's okay...no matter how they react back.

 

 

 

 

 

Except For That is most definitely not something I would have chosen to read if anyone else but Rachel Windsor had written it.

 

I read romantic fiction, often lesbian romantic fiction, for the love story and human dynamics, not for the sexual components. Rachel Windsor, however, always seems to pull real and lasting love out of complicated situations. Plus, she tries to see all sides and writes so incredibly well.

 

In this tale, main character Mo loses her interest in the physical side of her love with her girlfriend Beth because of the medicine she's taking for her depression. Their once active and fully committed to each other love life comes to a halt.

 

Out of extreme guilt she really shouldn't have to be feeling, Mo gives Beth her permission to have sexual relations with someone else. When Beth asks what the conditions would be instead of yelling, "No way, no how, I only want you," the story takes a very uncomfortable turn for me. Rattled...I can't quite figure out why since the pain is way out of proportion to my own life experience.

 

I could never understand being unhappy in a relationship just because the sex "was gone." Of course, there are many reasons why someone would be unhappy about that and I don't really know why I'm talking about something I have no experience with so there's that too. Still, I just can't imagine any scenario where I would be in love and ever stray, at all. Maybe it's easier for those of us who are single (and romantics at heart) to be prissy, but there it is.

 

If I could put it into any words why this particular story bothers me so, I guess it would come down to this: how can sex ever come before one's love and caring for their partner's health and wellbeing? That is what is making me so irrationally mad. I'm so glad it's on my ereader because otherwise I might toss it down in exasperation.

 

There are other issues related to the physical side of relationships that come in both straight and gay dating, but I have to say that when I tried (desperately) to go out with guys so that I could be "normal," and then later followed my heart with dating (however short-lived that was) it wasn't the men who had trouble with virginity or lack of sexual activity...it was the women.

 

I had been used to homophobic people thinking being gay was just about sex, but I had never thought other lesbians would be that way.They were the ones, if we got past a first date, who judged or stopped calling or made it a huge issue...as if the "third date rule" (ridiculous a 'rule' as it is) was somehow carved in stone and just had to be followed.

 

Sometimes...more than sometimes, in the past few years, actually...I keep thinking it's a blessing or meant to be that what I'm looking for isn't out there...better to stick with books and silly love songs and all that.

 

Getting back to the book, I can only hope that Beth doesn't go through with the "solution" and that she and Mo stay together. Because I not only can't throw the book down, I want to keep reading and find I was completely wrong to get all bent out of shape...

 

 

 

I finished this morning and there were actually a few times I thought I was going to throw up, that's how bad my nerves were over this, an eighty six page story...Again, I don't understand the intense reaction. I think, in part, it's because Beth goes through with the cheating and it kills me that it's not enough for her that she and Mo have a solid loving relationship in every other way.

 

It's true that, in the end, the two get back together, both promising to work on their relationship. But the affair has happened and the fact that Mo's health issues aren't resolved is unnerving. Even more unnerving is the implication Mo will do whatever it takes to get her sex drive back. 

 

The title itself comes from when Beth tells the woman she's soon going to cheat with that she and Mo are fine "except for that," meaning their love life. By the story's close, the words have a different, more positive, implication, but it doesn't change (for me) that Beth couldn't be stronger when it came to her urges. Mo, the reader sees, also is deeply hurt by this, despite the fact it was her "idea."

 

No matter what, or maybe because of it, I think it says a lot about a writer and how powerful words can be, in the right person's hands, when fiction gets to you in a way that physically and emotionally shakes you to the core.