I woke up early this morning to go to the MVA, thinking it wouldn't be so crowded because of the holiday weekend. I don't know why I would believe that; the place was packed.

 

I was going to read a book for a class I'm taking at work, but instead I ended up playing with my phone and people watching, then talking with the lady waiting next to me. She came in about an hour after I'd been there and we ended up talking until my number was called.

 

And then when I went to the deli next door, after a two hour wait at the MVA, someone else talked to me for a while and I realized...I relax more around strangers than I do many people I know. And it cheered me up that I didn't have that much anxiety speaking and that maybe I just need to get out and about more and then I won't get so locked up in my own bad thinking.

 

I also talked with the man at the used book and music store in the same shopping strip and he helped me find some great things that I bought. It's the first time in a while I've really had a passion for both books and music.

 

Coming home I played my Snow Patrol Greatest Hits album and the song "Run" came on...and somehow that made me feel better, too. It's gorgeous and sad, and it usually makes me cry, but this time I found it oddly kind of uplifting, mostly because of the "light up, light up//as if you had a choice," but also because of "even if you cannot hear my voice//I'll be right beside you dear."

 

 

 

 

"Run"

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear



This is something new I got. I hope it lives  up to its name today! It certainly sounds promising!

 

Claudia Rankine. Source: Wikipedia

 

 

This book is wonderful...it's the only thing I've been able to put my mind on this week that wasn't related to work. It's half prose, half poetry and all terrific.

It's not necessarily traditional wonderful, it's actually quite painful to read at times, but I use "wonderful" because this book's stark and real and sometimes all too relatable.

I need to post the section on insomnia which is both heartbreaking and funny, but here are some highlights:

IMH: The Inability To Maintain Hope

 

 

 

There comes a point during the night when your clock seems to mock you. Do you keep hoping you'll fall asleep or finally get up and do something? Here's what Web MD says:

www.m.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/cant-sleep-when-to-get-out-of-bed

 

 

Two things helping to calm me today are Carola Dibbell's debut novel The Only Ones (a really good read so far) and Billie Holiday. Though, obviously, I don't want the apocalypse to ever happen, I find fiction dealing with that theme is something I'm especially drawn to when I am going through odd times. And Billie Holiday's voice is one of the few I want to hear musically when I'm like this...

 

 

from Baltimore magazine, April 2015. Billie Holiday was born on April 7, 1915