It's a quiet voice, but it is still there and it is saying, things are going to get better...maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but eventually. And eventually isn't necessarily a bad word...it really is not.

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I love this picture of Karen Carpenter. It shows a less sad, more playful side to her. I couldn't sleep the other night and watched a PBS documentary on The Carpenters and it is poignant and then there is that voice, the one that is unforgettable and unlike any before or after.

A comment online (via datalounge) about her voice maybe says it best:

"While her voice is hauntingly beautiful, there is also a genuine warmth to it as well. The kind of voice that would comfort you in your darkest hour of need."

As does this one:

"We all don't have to "love" the same artist. That being said, I thought Karen had the most beautiful alto, melancholic, perfect pronunciation of words, effortless delivery and a dynamite lower register. Her strength really."

That is why, despite all the sadness surrounding her life and the tragedy of her death that can make it hard to put on the Carpenters music at times, listening to her can still be so very, very nice.

We read to know we are not alone--C.S. Lewis

Despite thinking to myself that I can be alright with my parents not accepting me being gay, I still have these periods of intense sadness where I feel isolated and even "sick" (a word my mom uses to describe gay people) about myself. And I have no close friends who are gay I can talk about things with and who will truly understand and not think I am different because I am a woman who wants to fall in love with a woman who could love me back and with whom I could grow old. 

I once had a friend tell me he was okay with me being gay as long as I did not talk about it...as if my saying the day gay marriage became a reality in Maryland, back in 2012, that I wanted to meet someone and fall in love was somehow 'filthy' or not the same as his wanting to meet a woman and get married, a right he has always had as a straight man and that he has never had to fight for or even think about.

So, I continue to seek out fiction that can speak to me, fiction that can really, really understand that not all of us have understanding and gay friendly family and friends here in 2015:

"Despite the gains that the LGBTQ movement has made across the planet, many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and otherwise queer youth growing up feeling like they are damaged, evil, dirty, and—perhaps most traumatically—alone."--from the introduction to Heiresses Russ 2011

 

from "Ghost of a Horse Under a Chandelier": 

Zillah finds she can’t stand being in love. She gets angry. The infuriating uncertainty. The not knowing. She mutters that it’s not fair. If only she could know what Joy feels; if her thoughts were written in bubbles above her head, or spelled out in capital letters under every scene. Zillah has nothing, no proof of love. 

And as far as love itself goes, you can be gay or straight and feel like the character above...

One of the saddest things in the world is to feel, after years and years of thinking there is something wrong with your heart and that you have closed up shop for good to your emotions, you have finally met someone you could really and truly love only to realize they can never ever be someone who would or could feel the same way back. When it first happens, you tell yourself that you will get over it, that it is just a passing fancy, then when it gets stronger you still deny what you're feeling, like that guy in that 10cc song "I'm Not In Love."

But once you realize that the feelings are here to stay, that you will always like this person but (it is so obvious it goes without saying, but just in case) never ever tell her, the thing isn't (as I used to think) to throw yourself into other people, but to throw yourself, your mind, your heart and your soul into other things (volunteering, finding a new hobby, making new friends.) The heart is very stubborn and wants what it wants, but I still think there is hope for the mind...in knowledge and in realizing you still want to learn new stuff, still love your books and music, still have hope that someday your heart will follow your mind and join the land of the living.

Some people believe unrequited love is merely a result or a side effect of being afraid and/or unable to have real and lasting mutually reciprocated relationships with people who are actually interested in you and could even love you back, but I sincerely do not think that is the case. The thing about unrequited love that people who have never experienced it before may not realize is that most people would do anything to get rid of it and want to be in real and lasting mutually reciprocated relationships. 

Unrequited love is not 'cute' or a school girl crush or a Lifetime movie, it is really caring for and respecting and having genuine feelings for a wonderful person and hoping that you can emotionally move on one day and make peace with what is still in your heart, but carefully tucked away in a strong but safe corner...

 

 

"Appearance should not be mistaken for truth." That is so very true. People who talk but cannot always get their thoughts out very well may actually be secretly and painfully shy and not as idiotic as they appear, private people hiding their hurt may come across as aloof and...jerks, well, jerks may actually really be jerks, but they also may be people who just do not how else to behave. They may even do jerky things not realizing they are acting like jerks.

These are not excuses or justifications, but just the differences between how things may seem and how they actually are. I know because I think you really can just tell sometimes how someone truly sees you and I have seen the politely contained look in someone's eyes that lets me know they think I am an idiot. I know that I unintentionally can most definitely act like an idiot, but I never mean to and I think just maybe, deep down, that I am not as dumb as I feel when I am around people. It really is both weird and horrible that you can really, really like people and yet just be no good around them...