Monday, February 6, 2017

because sometimes you just wish you could say it out loud...

I think I have the words now, the ones I have been struggling for almost since the very first day I met you. I found them, I think, in a dream the other night and then, just today, in a picture I saw of you I wasn’t expecting to see…you, with your husband and children, looking very strong and yet also very protected, the epitome of class and containment and even a subtle kind of royalty you may not even be aware you exude.

Right from the start there have been three horrible things that have taken what should have been beautiful feelings and pure and sincere intent and twisted it all into something very heartbreaking and shameful. No matter how straight from the heart my emotions are, no matter how wondrous they feel to me, they are still not appropriate because you are happily married (1), very traditional and very straight (2) and I am me, a ‘me’ that is your polar opposite and completely unworthy of knowing you, much less being your friend (3)

In the dream I had the other night you were renewing your wedding vows and you were the happiest I have ever seen you. You invited everyone from work and a lot of us came and were thrilled for you. You sang, of course, that voice of yours so magnificent and authentic in its beauty. I could actually hear your voice in my dream and I fell in love with you again, even though I knew the dream was actually a goodbye and I should be feeling less, not more.

Though many people still believe being gay is wrong, this ('this' being how I feel about you, how much you mean to me and how you live so vibrantly in my heart) is not wrong because of that. I just happen to be a woman who is head over heels over another woman who does not feel the same way at all. No, the wrongness, the absolute very bad wrongness, is that my feelings come from my not being able to send them packing, to put away all of this interior nonsense and accept that some people are too good for you, even if you just silently love them💔

Image result for the ever expanding universe stock photo

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

"Don't melt too much into the universe, but be as solid and dense and fixed as you can. We all live together, and those of us who love and know, live so most. We help each other—even unconsciously, each in our own effort, we lighten the effort of others, we contribute to the sum of success, make it possible for others to live. Sorrow comes in great waves—no one can know that better than you—but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain. It wears us, uses us, but we wear it and use it in return; and it is blind, whereas we after a manner see."

Henry James

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/03/sorrow-passes-and-we-remain.html

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Image result for annie on my mind covers

“I went downstairs to Dad’s encyclopedia and looked up HOMOSEXUALITY, but that didn’t tell me much about any of the things I felt. What struck me most, though, was that, in the whole long article, the word “love” wasn’t used even once. That made me mad; it was as if whoever wrote the article didn’t know that gay people actually love each other. The encyclopedia writers ought to talk to me, I thought as I went back to bed; I could tell them something about love.”
― Nancy Garden, Annie on My Mind