I think about how different my feelings for X are than for anyone else I have ever had feelings for before…and they are radically different, in both good ways and bad.

X is, without a doubt, the most professional and composed person I have ever had feelings for, so much my polar opposite it goes beyond cliché. She is everything I am not and I am sure this is a huge contributing factor to my strong feelings for her. Anything or anyone that is not me is good and good to be around.

Never before have I had feelings for someone I am also afraid of…not in the sense of fear, but in the sense of awe and in the absolute conviction I am going to mess things up when in her presence (which has, indeed, happened many a time and most recently culminating in things that just cannot be reversed)

It is true that I find her very attractive, but the part of me that finds her very attractive is not an active part of me and never has been, if that makes sense. I like X in a very deep and emotionally resounding way, but the part of me that finds her beautiful is able to temper that side. I am no more sexual (or even sexual in thinking) than I am beautiful or socially adept or capable of having a meaningful, blush-free conversation with her. "Ex gay therapists" (many of whom believe being gay is some kind of arrested development) would find it fitting that I feel like a child in those matters of life.

That is why this is all a complete mystery to me, that five years later my feelings still have not gone away. It is futile and (no matter that I have never said a word or knowingly done anything to give myself away in how I feel about her) so very unprofessional. And yet, just as I cannot pray away my gay, I cannot pray away my feelings for her…maybe precisely because they are not wanton or wrong feelings, but very heartfelt and genuine ones of caring and respect. 

Lately I have been recording and re-watching "Monk" on the Hallmark Mystery Channel. It is comforting to watch on particularly difficult nights of sleeping. One episode, in particular, reminds me of why Monk's character is more than just his quirks and idiosyncrasies and why Tony Shalhoub is such a gifted and wonderful actor.

In the episode I am thinking of Monk and his therapist, Dr. Kroger, are talking about his late wife Trudy. Trudy is essential to the show's 'mythology' and to who Monk is and who he has become, even though she is only seen in photos and one major appearance in an episode that is not what it seems. In the scene that I saw again for the first time in years the other night there is this incredibly touching and vulnerable moment where Dr. Kroger is asking Monk to talk about his relationship with his late wife, in terms of intimacy.

Monk refuses to talk about it and, instead, offers to sing show tones with Dr. Kroger. Appropriately enough (and with an odd, but endearing sweetness that is heartbreaking) Monk sings "If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. It is a beautifully sad moment and an amazing reminder that Monk is more than his OCD and not just a one trick pony or only capable of being annoying to people in his life, including his friends, who sometimes lose their patience with him.

I could be reading into this moment way too much, but I see it as a very rare and special one for any form of entertainment, much less tv, and especially in a world that places far too much importance on sex and talking about it so much. It is a lovely reminder (I think) that not all things are meant to be talked about and that some people (in this case, especially Monk) never ever ever get over losing someone they love and hold on to their memories as something to be treasured and never shared with anyone else. It is because of seemingly small moments like this one that Monk ended up being one of my favorite shows of the 00s and still remains one I adore.

The most recent issue of Psychology Today is full of helpful articles, including one on managing extremes and finding a more moderate way of life and feeling.

One particular part of the article hit me so hard I felt both shame that I may be like what they are describing and hope that this may be just the slap in the face I need to (truly) show me that what I have been feeling for almost five years is absolute madness. 

I am so glad that I never once did or said anything about my feelings for this person, but I am still deeply troubled by the words below because they just hit way too close and even though I am not obsessive about it and believe my feelings are genuine and ones of caring and not bad I really, really do not want to be this way:

My deepest regret is not that the person I like does not feel the same way (that's always been a no-brainer not only because she is totally outside my league, whatever that expression really means, but because I do not register on her radar at all and the circumstances involved make it impossible even for the most casual of friendships) but that I respect her immensely professionally and wish I had a better working relationship with her, completely separate from how I personally feel.

I feel like I am finally waking up from the very bad fog I have been living in for way too long and that I am awake, realizing that the silly things I believed (or rather wanted to believe) were just dreams I wished were true. The unrequited feelings I have for someone in my life (but only in my life in the sense that circumstances beyond either of our control places us in the same place almost daily) will never go away but I have accepted that and can live with it quietly until it really does go away someday. 

The harder thing to accept is the friendship I have lost with someone I met when we were bonding over shared pain and formed a connection that transcended one common thing and became many. I will never know what I did wrong to lose it, but I suspect it is because I have never been very good at friendships and even worse at sustaining them, no matter how much I so want to be and have good intentions.

On Saturday it will be exactly one year since I brought my cat home and into my life and he has been a huge force in my reconciling certain things I know to be true and making peace with them. He has shown me unconditional love and what it is like to love a being who can be affectionate back and not care what I look like or whether I am socially awkward. His company is the therapy and mutual friendship I have long been looking for and even if non-animal people do not get it, even if my family thinks I am a crazy cat lady, I am okay with that and really do believe that animals can be soul mates.

Heartbreak is feeling one thing and knowing a different one, loving someone even knowing she may very well hate you for doing so, respecting someone despite seeing in her eyes she thinks you're a fool. Heartbreak is moving on when each step forward hurts and you still have to see her almost every day, the only thing keeping you going...knowing moving on is the right and only thing to do.