I have been torn about blogging lately because I have been feeling so very sad about things going on in the world and I do not want to be a sad blogger nor do I want to wallow in my sadness.

Despite all that there is joy and for me that joy is my cat, whom I love more than I could ever have imagined possible when he first came into my life. My ideal day off is spent with my cat, playing with him when he is awake and reading a good book when he is asleep.

If only everyone could see it this way:




from Brainpickings:

To love every fiber of another’s being with every fiber of your own is a rare, beautiful, and thoroughly disorienting experience — one which the term in love feels too small to hold. Its fact becomes a gravitational center of your emotional universe so powerful that the curvature of language and reality bends beyond recognition, radiating Nietzsche’s lamentation that language is not the adequate expression of all realities. The consummate reality of such a love is the native poetry of existence, known not in language but by heart.

The uncontainable, unclassifiable beauty of such love is what French writer Thomas Scotto explores with great tenderness in Jerome by Heart (public library), translated by Claudia Bedrick and Karin Snelson, and illustrated by the ever-wonderful Olivier Tallec — the story of a little boy named Raphael and his boundless adoration for another little boy, Jerome, which unfolds in Scotto’s lovely words like a poem, like a song.

the rest is here:

https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/03/29/jerome-by-heart/

I saw this in a recent issue of Woman's Day magazine and I could not help but think of someone that I really look up to at work and how true it is, not only about her but anyone in our lives who makes us feel this way:

Even though we are not the friends I wish we were, she inspires me (and others) and I am not sure if she knows this or not. Unfortunately I could never tell her this without sounding weird or like a flake so I am saying it here, though I know it will go unseen by her.

I'm having such a hard time letting go of wanting closure. There is "before" and "after" and "before" I met my friend and we started writing and became faithful correspondents I used to find journaling and anonymously blogging enough. Now, though, now that I know what it is like to share thoughts and feelings with someone else almost every day for almost three years and then not have that anymore, well, it hurts. 

And the lack of closure, the disappearance...well, how can you not blame yourself and torture yourself with what you did wrong? When your trust was shaky "before" and you let yourself be open with someone else in a way you never had before and then things change, well that only compounds it all. 

It is my fault, of course, how I choose to deal with this, but I am still just so lost and sad. "Ghosting" seems to be almost exclusively linked to dating and relationships but it hurts as well when it happens in friendships.