Within a week, the Washington Times printed two separate op-ed pieces on how sexual behavior, specifically gay and lesbian sexual behavior, is controllable and how it should be and is morally necessary and responsible to completely squelch. Here, as in previous pieces published in the super, super conservative newspaper, the Washington Times compares homosexuality to infidelity and pedophilia.

While both articles upset me terribly (I happen to believe being gay is completely separate and different from being someone who could cheat on a spouse or sexually abuse anyone) I do agree that sexual acts are definitely things from which we can abstain. 

What I don't agree with is that sexual behavior is the only thing (or even a big thing) about being gay. I think there is so much, much more to being gay than being sexual.

The kind of mentality expressed below and the kind of mentality expressed in the constant homophobia I see expressed in ultra-conservative viewpoints can be devastating and it is often based on hate, fear, complete misunderstanding and even outright lies.

And yet I cannot help but find myself still (even after more than twenty five years of being unable to deny who I am) wanting to "not be gay." I started reading the book pictured ^above^ (whose innocent, promising little cover really just hides the fact it's a somewhat less harsh take on 'ex-gay therapy') and felt more sad than ever. The writer (whom I have no doubt is very sincere in the unintentionally hurtful statements he makes) basically says that giving in to who you are is "self-indulgent."

Maybe so, maybe it is, but I also know (from deep, painful experience and with all my heart) that denying who you really are, fighting that every single day of your life...well, that can also make you think and feel very, very dark thoughts, to the point that you want oblivion, that you no longer want to live.

I honestly do not know what to think and I struggle with this daily, even now in our supposedly more enlightened 2018. Do I believe and try to follow what people like the writers above believe or do I dare hope to believe that writers like this one may, instead, be right?:



In this book is a beautiful passage that goes like this:

...Their gender and sexual orientation is not something controllable or chosen. It cannot be “fixed” through conversion therapy or stern biblical admonitions. It simply is. These people should not be confined to closets as this woman with the issue of blood had been. It was not her strict adherence to the rites and rituals of religion which made her whole. It was her faith. And that faith allowed her to go in peace.

If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, or any other designation; welcome. If you love someone who identifies as one of those designations; welcome. In this space you are safe. In this space you are recognized as a particular expression of the image and likeness of God. In this space you can experience wholeness as a follower of Christ.

In many of these stories, the protagonist dies. Some are murdered by people who consider them subhuman or evil. Others commit suicide, overcome by the ugliness they face, and unable to stand a future of more. Meanwhile, Jesus weeps.

I want to hope that maybe this could be true, but so many, many people (both strangers I meet in books and people I know in real life) tell me otherwise. 

This article from the "Guardian" has one section that really speaks to the experience of being "ghosted":

 Leaver agrees that it is important to “operate with empathy to both ghosters and ghostees”, but she says that, regardless of their motivation, people who ghost need to realise that their actions “can be extremely hurtful and painful. I do stand by [using the words] ‘cruel’ and ‘cowardly’, but that’s not said without empathy or compassion,” She adds. “I think it’s important for us to understand why it’s happening, in order to encourage it to stop.”

The rest of the article is here:

 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/31/ghosting-busters-why-tech-companies-trying-stop-blanking-each-other

 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/31/ghosting-busters-why-tech-companies-trying-stop-blanking-each-other

I think what hurts most about being ghosted is that you will never find out what you did wrong or how you can improve on what you did do wrong...or, worse, never know what happened to someone you really cared about...

After the tv show "Fringe" was cancelled I never thought I would become as gaga again over any show (even "Timeless" which I like a lot, but comes nowhere near close to having the heart and soul and fun of what has come to take a big place in my heart when it comes to entertainment).

from allabouttvnews.com

 

There are so many wonderful reasons to love "DC's Legends of Tomorrow," but I think what grabs me and gets to me the most are the heartfelt and endearing qualities of so many of the characters, including Zari, who is pictured above and appeared as a regular during the third season.

Among the most heartfelt are amazing scenes where characters say thinks I have felt or hope to feel someday, including a scene where Wally West (a speedster along the same vein as Flash and also pictured above) says :

Oh, um, so you're just here to hurt me? Well, you can't. I'm... I'm actually glad that you broke my heart. You know, I traveled because of you. I found some kind of inner peace. I made new friends. One day, I'm gonna fall in love with someone, and that person isn't gonna be you.


 

Maybe it is the opposite of romantic, but I'd rather be boring than have a broken heart...and being practical and realistic makes for a much better way of surviving in this harsh and very un-romantic world. 

My formerly romantic side used to give me such grief that I am extremely grateful I have finally woken from the stupor I was in for way longer than I ever, ever should have been. Lately, when I see the person I like (or rather the person I still like, but have also managed to gain a huge amount of perspective in terms of how ridiculous my heart has been about all of this) I wonder how I ever let myself care so much about someone I mean so little to...

In life, it should not be a "tit for tat" kind of thing in that you only like someone who likes you back...I am not talking about that, but about keeping one's reason and emotional intelligence intact when it comes to how futile, painful and even harmful to your life unrequited feelings are. With the universe and my conscience as a witness, I am going to do my very, very best to make sure I stay level about this and remember that realizing someone not only does not like you back, but thinks poorly of you does not have to mean your world is over. 

Whenever I struggle with how someone sees me I always think of my favorite show "Golden Girls" and how, during one episode, after (I think) Dorothy insults her, Rose says "Well, that's fifteen more minutes in front of the mirror saying 'I am a good person, I am a good person.'"

I do not want (and hope I never do) to lose the part of me that cares about people in general, but I also would like to just keep my heart permanently closed in the safest and best way possible. 

Some of the ways for me to best get back on the road I belong are: focusing on my cat (whom I adore more than I ever could have imagined), the people who do (?) seem to like me, my job and the little things that give me moments of joy (i.e. "DC's Legends of Tomorrow" is a surprisingly fun, funny and feel-good show that has an amazing cast you would just love to hang out with if they were real people).

Happy Halloween

The only time I ever feel completely at home with myself is on Halloween. This is a huge part of why it is my absolute favorite holiday and yet I also love the day because it feels like something dreadful is on the rise as I try desperately (desperately)




to clutch on to the last day of 'okayness' before holiday hoopla kicks into full gear and the madness begins.

Halloween (to me, at least) celebrates the person who doesn't fit in, the person who needs to hide behind something else, so that (even if it is just for the very shortest of time) you can feel as if you're outside of your skin (where you never really feel at ease) instead of inside it..