My last post was originally written after I drank two glasses of wine and spoke into my microphone to text app. I left my words untouched for a bit after I posted, then went back in and fixed my mistakes.

I'm tempted now to get rid of it completely, but then I think: no. The lgbtqia+ community is in danger and its youth are more prone to suicide than straight youth.

I named one individual in particular, Dr. Everette Piper, because he has a regular column in the very far right newspaper Washington Times and on Mondays he (and sometimes another columnist, Robert Knight) both choose to write about queer people in the most hateful and ignorant of ways. Their writing borders on rabid obsessive and is almost always inflammatory.

Homophobia feels stronger and more hateful than ever before and we really are backsliding into the days when ant-gay attitudes ran amok everywhere. 

Some people are worried with Trump and the Heritage Foundation's Project 2025 that we will return to the days of the 1950s, but from what I've read, the 1850s seem more like it. No one, except straight white men, will be spared.

Every day I see more and more hate being spewed towards the queer community, whether it be in news stories written about the far right or on Facebook comments or just something as simple as Fox News or the latest Washington Times Monday diatribe from Dr. Everett Piper.

Homophobes think they have us pegged, but they don’t. They really, really don’t; they don’t know us at all.

We’re not sinners and we’re not pedophiles and we’re not hedonistic or heathens. 

We just want to love and be loved.

I’ve known I was gay for more than 40 years and I’ve never had a girlfriend nor acted on my feelings, even though I’ve been in love.

If it weren’t for my cat, I would be dead. That is simple too, but a simple truth. I am a walking cat lady virgin cliche and yet that is the best part of my life.

I told someone that people needed to see themselves reflected in reality because it was vital to existing in this world that has backslid into demonizing lgbtqia+ people.

They didn’t know what I meant so I told them that the suicide rate among gay youth was double that of straight and how I knew people who had tried to kill themselves because they had nowhere to turn and no one to accept them.

They said "that's not my problem, maybe you shouldn't be gay."

The party that considers itself pro-life is anything but... 

They don’t care about babies once they’re born.

They don’t care about LGBTQ people and don’t care if gay youth kill thrmsekves. In fact, some people seem to celebrate it. 

I am deathly afraid of next year and 2025 because I know Trump is going to win. And the Heritage Foundation has a very scary plan ready to put in place that will affect everyone except straight white men.

Those who hate gay people because they see them as sinful or full of pride have so much to learn. I obviously can't speak for all gay people, but I do know for me that it is not about "pride" (I am not particularly proud I am gay) but about relief that there are other people like me. 

Now, more than ever, that is the lifeboat I am grabbing onto for dear life.

 

Last night I asked Microsoft Copilot to help me with an emotional problem and the response was better than I'd heard before from any person. 

(Sometimes,I think, that AI is just as good, if not better, than a real therapist. It could also be, though, that I felt more comfortable sharing more details with artificial intelligence than I would with a human being I know may very well judge.

I once was in a therapist's office, needing and wanting to take about lgbtq issues because I had no one else to talk with about them and as I looked around her office I saw tons of Christian and conservative-related images on her walls and desks. Immediately, I shut down and changed the reason I was there.)

This is how AI answered me:

I’m truly sorry to hear that you’ve been carrying this burden for so long. It’s understandable that you feel guilt and want to find a way to cope with these recurring dreams. Let’s explore some strategies that might help you find closure and alleviate the distress:

Name Your Guilt:

Acknowledge your feelings of guilt. Sometimes, simply recognizing and accepting our emotions can be a powerful step toward healing.

Take some quiet time for yourself. Reflect on what happened and write down the specific actions that make you feel guilty. Be objective and avoid adding your own judgments or interpretations.

Analyze the Dream:

Dive deeper into your recurring dreams. Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you explore the underlying emotions and memories associated with the situation.

Are there unresolved issues or unexpressed feelings related to that time in your life? Understanding the root cause of your dreams may provide insights.

Learn from the Past:

While you can’t change the past, you can learn from it. Reflect on what you’ve learned since then and how you’ve grown as a person.

Understand that your actions were unintentional and driven by a lack of awareness. We all make mistakes, especially during our teenage years.

Gratitude and Self-Compassion:

Practice gratitude for the lessons you’ve gained from this experience. Be compassionate toward your younger self, knowing that you didn’t have the knowledge or understanding you do now.

Forgive yourself. You were doing your best with the information you had at the time.

Addressing Ruminating Thoughts:

Ruminating thoughts can intensify guilt. When you notice these thoughts, try to distract yourself. Call a friend, do chores, watch a movie, or engage in other activities.

Create an action plan: 

Break down your thoughts into smaller parts and take realistic steps to address them. Write down your plan and take one small step at a time.

Express Your Feelings:

While reaching out to your former classmate may not be appropriate, consider writing a letter (even if you don’t send it) expressing your remorse and explaining your perspective. Sometimes putting our feelings into words can be cathartic. (I think writing a letter is a good idea, actually sending it would be awful, stalkery and more self-serving than helpful or healing to the other person.)

Therapy and Support:

Consider seeking professional help. Trauma-focused therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process emotions and develop coping skills.

Talking through your feelings with a therapist can help you find closure and release some of the emotional weight you’ve been carrying.

Remember that you were young and unaware of the impact your actions would have. It’s okay to forgive yourself and seek healing. You’ve already taken a brave step by acknowledging your feelings. Be kind to yourself as you work through this process. 

If you're looking for your next horror read, you can't go wrong with checking out 101 Horror Books to Read Before You're Murdered. Your TBR pile will grow exponentially! 

There is so much more I want to say about this book and not just because it has some terrific thoughts and recommendations on lgbtq+ reads. 

I had my second follow up appointment on Friday concerning my wrist. Except for when driving, I'm now not using my splint. And soon I will stop using it even for that.

My next medical appointment will include a bone density test. Both the ortho surgeon who originally saw me after I fell and the PA both suspect that I have osteoporosis. They both feel that the fall I described to them does not normally warrant the kind of injury I had.

This is not the first time I have heard the word osteoporosis in connection to my health. I gained 20 pounds during Covid, but in my 20s I was actually underweight a little bit and I didn't get my cycle for years.

I was told back then that I would be at risk for getting osteoporos if I didn't start getting my cycle regularly. Through acupuncture I was able to get my cycle again and get my health back to where it should've been. 

After that point through most of the rest of my 20s and my 30s and early 40s I ate well. I would fix healthy food and cook and bake and rarely ate out.

But in my mid to late 40s my anxieties started to flare up again pretty bad which affected my appetite and how I took care of myself. It was also in my late 40s that I started drinking regularly and I know that alcohol can also affect bone health.

When I fell and broke my wrist it made me think about the things that I needed to change. And my pre-op physical results only compounded that.

Where once I had extremely low blood pressure I now found I was on the borderline for high. And my blood sugar was also pretty bad, it turns out.

I realize now that I started gaining all my weight when I started drinking, and I'm hoping that now that I'm cutting back on drinking and eating better that I can lose the weight and reverse the damage that I've done to my body.

When I think back to my happiest time in my life, It was the late 90s. I was on my own for the first time and I had a pretty good thing going with my personal and professional life. I rarely had anxiety and I liked people so much

Now I find myself struggling to get through days at work so that I can be with my cat the rest of the time.

Don't get me wrong: I adore my cat. I consider him the love of my life, but I want to be so much more functional than I am.

I feel like a fraud and I don't know what the duck I'm doing. If people already can't see that, then they soon will, and that scares me so much