What I want in my dreams...

What I get...

     

I experience very intense dreams (more often, nightmares) every night I am able to sleep. This has been the case since I was at least five and first dreamed of a large spider creaking and clomping down the stairs of my childhood home. For years I have had the below recurring nightmare (not described in detail on purpose) and decided to get help from AI...

AI Therapy

Any advice on helping someone with getting rid of recurring dreams about a high school crush from almost 40 years ago? It doesn't help that this crush was on a classmate of the same gender with whom I had a falling out and never found closure. On the other hand, it's not like I can reach out to her and ask for forgiveness when it was a really bad time in her life and I would possibly be reminding her of that. 

(I think the advice is helpful, but not complete, since I didn't really provide the context of the situation and we were classmates, not friends or in a relationship.)

 

Recurring dreams often reflect unresolved feelings or unfinished business from our past. Given your situation, where the relationship with your high school crush ended without closure, these dreams might be a manifestation of lingering emotions and thoughts.

Here are some strategies to help you cope with and potentially reduce these recurring dreams:

Self-Reflection and Acceptance

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Take time to understand and accept your feelings about the past. Journaling can be a helpful tool to explore your thoughts and emotions.

2. Reflect on the Past: Consider what exactly about the relationship and the falling out bothers you. Is it guilt, regret, or simply the lack of closure? Understanding this can help you address the root cause.

Finding Closure Without Direct Contact

1. Write a Letter: Write a letter to your high school crush expressing everything you feel. You don't need to send it. The act of writing can be therapeutic and help you process your emotions.

2. Symbolic Closure: Create a personal ritual to symbolize closure. This could be as simple as writing down your feelings and then burning the paper, or any other act that signifies letting go.

Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques

1. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness meditation can help you stay present and reduce anxiety about the past. Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery can also be beneficial.

2. Develop a Bedtime Routine: Establish a calming pre-sleep routine to help clear your mind. Avoiding screen time before bed and engaging in relaxing activities like reading or listening to soothing music can help.

Professional Support

1. Therapy: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop strategies to cope with recurring dreams and unresolved emotions.

Reframe Your Thoughts

1. Positive Affirmations: Before bed, remind yourself of positive aspects of your current life and self-worth. Affirmations can help shift your focus away from past regrets.

2. Redirect Your Energy: Channel your energy into hobbies, projects, or activities that you enjoy. Engaging in something productive can provide a sense of fulfillment and distract from recurring thoughts about the past.

Consider the Dreams' Messages

1. Dream Analysis: Sometimes, understanding what your dreams might be telling you can be helpful. Reflect on the content and emotions of the dreams to see if there are any patterns or insights.

2. Lucid Dreaming: If you’re open to it, you could explore lucid dreaming techniques. Being aware that you are dreaming can sometimes give you control over the dream narrative, allowing you to change its course.

Remember, it's natural to have lingering feelings about significant relationships from the past, but with time and effort, you can find ways to move forward and reduce the impact of these recurring dreams.

In the fall of 1981 I started middle school. Even before that first day, I knew it was going to be a hard time. I had been a very unpopular child since the beginning of fourth grade, teased and always chosen last for any kind of team, sports or otherwise.

By sixth grade I had developed a strategy. I just did my best to ignore it all, except for the very worst times, when I would head straight for the bathroom during recess and hide until the next class started. (One time a small group of girls smoking protectively encircled me when one student in particular was harassing me and to this day I still find the smell of cigarettes reassuring.)

My mind, focused on avoidance and studies, did not process more than one or two things at once so it took time before I realized how much I differed from my other classmates. Besides having crazy hair (perfect for boys to throw things in to) and wearing clothes made by my mom I never knew the right thing to say and had been called "ugly" so often I thought it was my middle name.

I couldn't understand why (at all) but one day I started noticing a girl in the eighth grade. "Trixie" had hair the complete opposite of mine and sang and had a welcoming smile for everyone. 

We never interacted nor did I ever see her except at school concerts or in the hallways between classes, but I got a tiny but sharp jot of happiness and excitement whenever I saw her: Every. Single. Time. I delighted in seeing her, in ways I couldn't explain, but still knew weren't normal or typical.

Three years later, having survived what I think of as the worst years any child can go through in school, I started high school, where being tormented by peers was traded in for being ignored, something I infinitely preferred.

The fall of 1984 changed things forever for me. One day I saw someone across the cafeteria during lunch and stopped in my tracks. Up until then I either pretended or just didn't know any better, but that September...I might not be able to name my feelings, but I could name what they were not...

That year and sophomore year I discovered that everything society told and taught me I had to feel for a boy was instead what I felt for a girl.

"J" and I never became friends, we didn't even know each other. As with "Trixie," I only ever saw her from a distance.

Two years later, in senior year, though, I would discover what unrequited feelings (for someone I actually knew) truly meant and it would start a lifelong fear of ever expressing any kind of emotion to another human being...

My last post was originally written after I drank two glasses of wine and spoke into my microphone to text app. I left my words untouched for a bit after I posted, then went back in and fixed my mistakes.

I'm tempted now to get rid of it completely, but then I think: no. The lgbtqia+ community is in danger and its youth are more prone to suicide than straight youth.

I named one individual in particular, Dr. Everette Piper, because he has a regular column in the very far right newspaper Washington Times and on Mondays he (and sometimes another columnist, Robert Knight) both choose to write about queer people in the most hateful and ignorant of ways. Their writing borders on rabid obsessive and is almost always inflammatory.

Homophobia feels stronger and more hateful than ever before and we really are backsliding into the days when ant-gay attitudes ran amok everywhere. 

Some people are worried with Trump and the Heritage Foundation's Project 2025 that we will return to the days of the 1950s, but from what I've read, the 1850s seem more like it. No one, except straight white men, will be spared.

Every day I see more and more hate being spewed towards the queer community, whether it be in news stories written about the far right or on Facebook comments or just something as simple as Fox News or the latest Washington Times Monday diatribe from Dr. Everett Piper.

Homophobes think they have us pegged, but they don’t. They really, really don’t; they don’t know us at all.

We’re not sinners and we’re not pedophiles and we’re not hedonistic or heathens. 

We just want to love and be loved.

I’ve known I was gay for more than 40 years and I’ve never had a girlfriend nor acted on my feelings, even though I’ve been in love.

If it weren’t for my cat, I would be dead. That is simple too, but a simple truth. I am a walking cat lady virgin cliche and yet that is the best part of my life.

I told someone that people needed to see themselves reflected in reality because it was vital to existing in this world that has backslid into demonizing lgbtqia+ people.

They didn’t know what I meant so I told them that the suicide rate among gay youth was double that of straight and how I knew people who had tried to kill themselves because they had nowhere to turn and no one to accept them.

They said "that's not my problem, maybe you shouldn't be gay."

The party that considers itself pro-life is anything but... 

They don’t care about babies once they’re born.

They don’t care about LGBTQ people and don’t care if gay youth kill thrmsekves. In fact, some people seem to celebrate it. 

I am deathly afraid of next year and 2025 because I know Trump is going to win. And the Heritage Foundation has a very scary plan ready to put in place that will affect everyone except straight white men.

Those who hate gay people because they see them as sinful or full of pride have so much to learn. I obviously can't speak for all gay people, but I do know for me that it is not about "pride" (I am not particularly proud I am gay) but about relief that there are other people like me. 

Now, more than ever, that is the lifeboat I am grabbing onto for dear life.

 

Last night I asked Microsoft Copilot to help me with an emotional problem and the response was better than I'd heard before from any person. 

(Sometimes,I think, that AI is just as good, if not better, than a real therapist. It could also be, though, that I felt more comfortable sharing more details with artificial intelligence than I would with a human being I know may very well judge.

I once was in a therapist's office, needing and wanting to take about lgbtq issues because I had no one else to talk with about them and as I looked around her office I saw tons of Christian and conservative-related images on her walls and desks. Immediately, I shut down and changed the reason I was there.)

This is how AI answered me:

I’m truly sorry to hear that you’ve been carrying this burden for so long. It’s understandable that you feel guilt and want to find a way to cope with these recurring dreams. Let’s explore some strategies that might help you find closure and alleviate the distress:

Name Your Guilt:

Acknowledge your feelings of guilt. Sometimes, simply recognizing and accepting our emotions can be a powerful step toward healing.

Take some quiet time for yourself. Reflect on what happened and write down the specific actions that make you feel guilty. Be objective and avoid adding your own judgments or interpretations.

Analyze the Dream:

Dive deeper into your recurring dreams. Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you explore the underlying emotions and memories associated with the situation.

Are there unresolved issues or unexpressed feelings related to that time in your life? Understanding the root cause of your dreams may provide insights.

Learn from the Past:

While you can’t change the past, you can learn from it. Reflect on what you’ve learned since then and how you’ve grown as a person.

Understand that your actions were unintentional and driven by a lack of awareness. We all make mistakes, especially during our teenage years.

Gratitude and Self-Compassion:

Practice gratitude for the lessons you’ve gained from this experience. Be compassionate toward your younger self, knowing that you didn’t have the knowledge or understanding you do now.

Forgive yourself. You were doing your best with the information you had at the time.

Addressing Ruminating Thoughts:

Ruminating thoughts can intensify guilt. When you notice these thoughts, try to distract yourself. Call a friend, do chores, watch a movie, or engage in other activities.

Create an action plan: 

Break down your thoughts into smaller parts and take realistic steps to address them. Write down your plan and take one small step at a time.

Express Your Feelings:

While reaching out to your former classmate may not be appropriate, consider writing a letter (even if you don’t send it) expressing your remorse and explaining your perspective. Sometimes putting our feelings into words can be cathartic. (I think writing a letter is a good idea, actually sending it would be awful, stalkery and more self-serving than helpful or healing to the other person.)

Therapy and Support:

Consider seeking professional help. Trauma-focused therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process emotions and develop coping skills.

Talking through your feelings with a therapist can help you find closure and release some of the emotional weight you’ve been carrying.

Remember that you were young and unaware of the impact your actions would have. It’s okay to forgive yourself and seek healing. You’ve already taken a brave step by acknowledging your feelings. Be kind to yourself as you work through this process.