Lately, I've been struggling with memories and what is real and what is not. When I doubt if something happened to me personally, the only reality check I have is my sister because we're close in age and we often will ask each other (when it comes to our childhood and some parts of school) "did this really happen?"

But my sister and I have always pretty much lead completely different lives as we have gotten older so we share less things and memories and so I often don't have that reality check.

Because of a recurring and hurtful dream I had again the other night some things have been "reactivated" in my mind and memory and I have no one to ask about it.

Obviously Google can't be used to access our personal memories from the past, but it can be to access what was going on in the world at the time I'm wondering about. 

So I checked the weather on one occasion for May of 1988 and then accessed the songs that would have been on the radio and both matched my memories of that time period*

Unfortunately, the more I let my memory open up and allowed myself to think about that period in my life the floodgates, as they say, opened and I experienced a level of embarrassment pretty much unparalleled in any other time in my life.

I find that the more you realize just how wrong you were about something, how wrong you were about wronging someone, the harder it is to forgive yourself, even if you very young at the time.

*In May 1988, some of the top songs on the Billboard Hot 100 included "Anything For You" by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine, "One More Try" by George Michael, "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz, and "Always On My Mind" by the Pet Shop Boys. Other notable hits included "Need You Tonight" by INXS, "Heaven is a Place On Earth" by Belinda Carlisle, and "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. 

Here's a more detailed look at some of the top songs and their charting performance in May 1988:

• One More Try - George Michael: This song reached number one on the Billboard Hot 100 during the week ending May 31, 1988. 
• Anything For You - Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine: This song was also high on the charts, likely in the top ten during May 1988. 
• Shattered Dreams - Johnny Hates Jazz: Another popular track that was likely in the top ten. 
• Always On My Mind - Pet Shop Boys: This song was also in the top ten during May. 
• Need You Tonight - INXS: This song was a major hit, and likely climbed the charts in May. 
• Heaven is a Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle: Another popular song that was likely in the top ten. 
• Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley: This song became a major hit later in the year, but it's possible it was already gaining traction in May. 

 

This episode really, really got to me.❤️‍🩹🥹 I want to write more about it soon, specifically about one of the lead characters and the depth of the despair that can come with not being able to lead the life that is authentic to you.

 

After much inner debate and wrangling, I recently "destroyed" my journals from 2012-2022. I call them my "what was I thinking?" years, but really they do make me cringe a lot and I am ashamed of how emotional I was during that time.

Apparently, according to my mom, I am not very emotional these days, but I don't buy that. I just keep things better hidden now.

I also found my dream journals (covering 2006 to 2016) but I decided to keep those. They are not only more interesting than my real life ones, they are much better written and less cringey and less full of "woe is me" crap.

Crazy as this may sound I think my dreams (as bad as they can be) have helped me work out some things in my day-to-day life and though not all of them are "exorcised" (so many ghosts still linger) I am a lot better off inside my heart than I used to be (minus my general anxiety).

I don't think I'm going to regret throwing out my real life journals. I reread a lot of them and they are just so, so, so awful. I am not saying I'm a good person (I honestly don't know nowadays) but I know that I'm a better person than I used to be.

At least I think so.

Now, if I can just throw out my equally cringey 500 page plus novel. I am not sure why I am so attached it. "Awful" doesn't even begin to do it justice.

Just a quite side note:

I asked AI: why does music from our youth stay with us? And this is what it said:

Music from our youth often sticks with us due to the strong emotional and social connections formed during those formative years. These connections are particularly potent in the late teenage and early adult years, when memories are more deeply etched in our brains. This, coupled with the "reminiscence bump" – a tendency to recall memories from ages 10-30 – and the impact of early childhood amnesia, explains why music from that period is so memorable. [1, 2]

Here's a more detailed look: [1, 2]

• Reminiscence Bump: Our brains tend to have a heightened ability to recall memories from our teenage and early adult years, a phenomenon known as the reminiscence bump. [1, 2]
• Childhood Amnesia: While we might forget experiences from our earliest years, the reminiscence bump suggests that memory consolidation improves as we age, leading to better recall of memories from adolescence and beyond. [1]
• Emotional and Social Associations: Music during these formative years often becomes intertwined with significant emotional experiences and social connections, making it particularly powerful and memorable. [2, 3]
• Brain-Music Bond: Research suggests that the music we listen to as teenagers binds to our brains differently than music we hear later in life, creating a stronger, more enduring connection. [4, 5]
• Neural Nostalgia: This refers to the tendency of our brains to strongly associate music with specific periods and emotions, leading to powerful feelings of nostalgia when hearing those songs again. [4, 5]

Generative AI is experimental.

[1] https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/why-does-the-music-from-our-teens-stay-with-us-forever

[2] https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/WYbJdPrX3qn17F1YYK36sS/why-the-music-we-love-as-teens-stays-with-us-for-life

[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-career-within-you/201411/why-does-music-we-heard-as-teens-stick

[4] https://slate.com/technology/2014/08/musical-nostalgia-the-psychology-and-neuroscience-for-song-preference-and-the-reminiscence-bump.html

[5] https://loudwire.com/psychology-why-you-still-love-same-music-as-teen/

Dear Eric: I am a lesbian in my late 60s. Recently I had a dream of a woman I knew back in the ‘70s. I was very taken by her; even though I knew I was gay and confused, I married my boyfriend anyway. But she and I and other friends went on coffee breaks for a couple of years, and she always sat across from me. Sometimes I caught her staring at me and her face would turn red.

Back then I was afraid to approach and ask a woman on a date, as many of us were. Now back to 2025, I am single, and I figure I would look her up and say hi. I saw by multiple websites and media sites that she was not married and never was. What were the chances of that since she was so pretty back then?

So, I phoned her home, and no one picked up, and I left a message. I tried to message her on Facebook, and, to my surprise, I could not message her because she blocked me. That was so strange. What did I do?

So, I drove to where she lived and when she came out of her house, I called out to her. She said she did not know me and I could tell she was lying because she was getting nervous. So, I just dropped the whole thing. I didn’t want to scare her and make her think I was a lunatic.

This really bothers me because I asked a friend of hers about the situation and the friend ghosted me too. What is going on? Cannot get any answers. What is your take on this?

This column scared the bell out of me when I read it a few weeks ago. People in the comments section online really went to town on the letter writer, responding rather harshly. They weren't necessarily wrong with what they said, but their attitude and approach were less than kind.

I admit my first reaction to seeing the above column was that it had to either be a joke or there was something seriously wrong with the advisee. 

Then I thought back to my own situation and I realized that the only thing that separated me from this woman was action...I did not nor have ever acted on my feelings, thoughts or dreams for my former crush, but I get the letter writer far far more than I would like.

Despite finding what LW1 wrote alarming, I feel very much for her. 

I too have had dreams about someone I knew decades ago and I am also a lesbian, but, in my own case, I knew oh too well that the person I had feelings for in high school (in the 1980s) most definitely did not notice me in any real way. 

We were classmates and she was always polite with me, but I made friendship overtures that clearly weren’t welcome and I should have realized it right away, instead of reaching out multiple times before finally seeing the light. 

At the time I was 17 and over the years I’ve told myself I didn’t know any better back then, but I still feel shame when I realize I didn’t read social cues better. Nowadays, someone would have to hit me over the head for me to realize they want to be my friend.

A few years ago I saw my former classmate at the local grocery store and I froze, then turned and moved very fast the other way. I just knew and know in my heart she would not want to have anything to do with me today and I’m grateful that I always have ignored any urges to contact her.

The LW should know she’s not alone in her feelings with what happened. But it truly is (despite how hard it can be) best to move on. I know it’s easier said than done, but it really is the only thing you can do. 

“Whatever happened to so and so?” is something that can plague our thoughts and feelings and it’s a theme popular in pop culture, but what can plague us even more is when end up doing something we deeply regret. 

I will never forget the look of dismay on the face of the person I liked back in high school and I would never want to do that to anyone ever again. My intentions, I honestly believe, were pure at the time, but It doesn’t change what happened or what I did.

It is with relief (I think that's the right word) that I have finally come to realize that my dreams and pondering of "whatever happened to?" are not related to the incredibly painful unrequited feelings I experienced in high school. 

I have absolutely no interest in bumping into or becoming friends with someone from high school...except for the music, the 80s were not a particularly good time in my life and I hate looking back, even when I do.

There is something else entirely different going on with my particular dream situation. Normally I scoff at dream symbolism because the same thing can represent different things to different people, but in this case, I wonder. I just need to figure out what and then I think the dreams will disappear for good.