Back in the beginning of 2025 I decided to do dry January and then went from month to month still going dry. I slipped in my intentions in September and started my two drinks a night habit again, though "habit" seems way too innocuous a word for something that can cause so many serious problems. 

Last week I decided enough was enough and that I could kid myself all I wanted about alcohol not being that bad or alcohol probably not causing cancer if I made up for the bad in other areas of my life. I want to be healthy for my cat and I told him I would not be drinking any more and even though I know he doesn't understand my words I still find it works to be accountable to him. I love him more than anything and want to be able to take care of him. And he is the only being I know to whom I have never lied.

Another thing about drinking is that I managed to kid myself about what is heavy drinking and what isn't. I'm not going to say I thought two drinks a night was harmless, but I also never stopped to think that any more than 8 drinks a week for women is indeed heavy drinking. That woke me up and I'm hoping that this time sticks, even if I'm starting from scratch all over again.

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It's the next day and I just want to add that I feel like I'm doing much better without wine, both health-wise and mentally. Instead of using alcohol to relax at night I am now taking an herb called Passionflower and drinking oat milk with it. The combo is not as potent as wine but I still relax (well as much as I'm capable of relaxing) and feel a bit float-y.

I’m watching an old episode of Everybody loves Raymond and Marie has confessed that she likes Amy better than Debra because Amy is a virgin… Marie even goes as far as to say that Amy is “pure” and a “good girl.” (I think the writers were trying to show antiquated Marie’s thinking, but I’m not sure that was the point but if it was, the topic was kind of clumsily handled if you ask me.)

A woman’s goodness has absolutely nothing to do with whether she has had sex or not. I’m a virgin and I don’t consider myself pure at all. I’ve done things in my life I’m truly and deeply ashamed of, even if I definitely would change them if I could. 

Meanwhile, there are women who aren’t virgins who are good people. How on earth did we develop this mindset that a woman’s purity is dependent on whether she’s had sex or not and how come this isn’t applied to men?

Virginity is not a moral achievement. It’s a neutral state. A person who has had sex has not lost goodness; a virgin has not gained it. Morality is about how we treat others, with kindness, honesty and respect, not about what we do or don’t do with our own bodies.

The “purity” myth lets people confuse a lack of sexual experience with moral character, and it’s harmful to everyone, including the people it claims to “praise.”

I recently discovered a book written in 1890 called The Young Visiters. Daisy Ashford penned the novel as 9 year old and later, in her 20s, shared it for publication, through a rather complicated, but interesting series of circumstances. 

Part of the book's success in selling millions of copies had to do with a child’s bluntness in describing adult vulnerabilities.

What strikes me most is not the book itself (although it is uncannily mature for a child of her age to write, misspellings and all) but what the writer said years later:

 “I can never feel all the nice things that have been said about ‘The Young Visiters’ are really due to me at all, but to a Daisy Ashford of so long ago that she seems another person."

I am by no means a Jane Austen fan, yet I find this book fascinating and actually kind of funny:

from Kindle Highlights:

When I say “ruin,” I don’t mean the way you might, say, ruin a silk blouse by chasing a cat into a juniper bush. I mean the way you might ruin the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by telling someone that Bonnie Tyler originally meant it to be about vampires (this is true). I’ve now upended whatever uncomplicated associations you had with this song, and you’ll never be able to hear it without thinking of vampires again, but I’ve made it much more interesting. Anyway, English professors have lots of tools at our disposal for ruining your favorite books, and the way I prefer to ruin Pride and Prejudice is by pointing out how literature trains women to spend their time changing assholes into sensitive men instead of overthrowing the patriarchy.

.....>

my students like me even though I ruin it. They tell me I’m “relatable” and “super sweet and nerdy” (this was in an anonymous online review, and honestly, how very dare you). They also once said I was “the best birth control.” (That was when I was hugely, embarrassingly pregnant. Like, I texted a picture of myself to one of my best friends and instead of responding with “you’re glowing” or even “so excited,” she wrote back, “you look like a UFO.”) The birth control comment is not really related to my habit of ruining Pride and Prejudice, but I think it gives you a sense of what it’s like to study Jane Austen with me. That is, taking a class with me is all fun and games until you’re hugging your roommate in the English department lounge because you realized that you’ve been spending your time and energy and attention on taciturn or emotionally unavailable people, believing they are going to turn out to be slow-burn romantic heroes like Mr. Darcy—when really, they are often just assholes.

More spring cleaning and more journal finding yesterday…I found a 2000 journal wedged behind one of my drawers that I have not seen in years and thought I had lost a long time ago.

Sitting down and reading through it I realized it is the most detailed of my diaries and, though I have little confidence in so many things, probably the best written of all the journals I kept.

I had forgotten my early 00s extensive social life and I enjoyed reading about times with my coworkers much earlier on in a job that sometimes doesn't give me as much joy as it used to do. 

Though I tend to remember my times with my niece because they were such happy times I'm glad there are details about those times as well. She was such a delight as a child and I feel blessed that she and I are friends now as adults.

As my diaries move into the late 00s and early 10s they become less event-driven and more internal and more bleak. I regret now not writing about events or things that happened in my life then. There are a few, like the time I saw someone I knew at Whole Foods and hid behind a display because of fear and shame from a decades old event.

Plus, I still find myself wishing I had kept a diary in high school...I think it would help me remember things. I'm not sure it's normal to have complete blank pages in your mind's memory for any time before adulthood.