The only time music doesn't help me is when I'm too worried about someone, too anxious, too keyed up, too lost in real emotions to enjoy other equally real emotions found in most of the intense music I tend to favor.

So, tonight, I fixed myself some chamomile tea and that didn't work. Then I remembered I had some wine in the fridge so I went and poured myself a whole glass and an hour later it sits next to me only half full, which I am kind of relieved about since having more than that is not my thing and it would worry me if suddenly it did become my thing.

I am out of sorts with how to beat anxiety lately. A few years ago I was taking trazodone, which helped some at first, but soon stopped working, then somehow made me more anxious. My doctor said he didn't think it was a good fit and I decided to return to herbal medicines and teas, which help some, but nowhere near as much as music usually does.

I feel more anxious since I started drinking the wine tonight and I wonder: does alcohol make anxiety worse rather than help one unwind at the end of the night?

This article seems to think so:

http://www.anxietyguru.net/why-alcohol-causes-anxiety/

For those who do believe wine helps anxiety, this writer urges caution:

The key signal is flexibility. If you're disappointed there's no alcohol and you're having trouble not drinking at a party or a friend's house, you likely have a problem. "That's a sign of dependency," says Landau.

 

Says Sher, "If you're using any drug as a primary way to regulate emotion, you're in big trouble."

 

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/24/health/drinking-reduces-stress-upwave/

 

When I started to Google "natural remedies for anxiety" I hadn't even gotten past "remedies" when it came up with anxiety...that means it is the most common search made for the use of natural remedies. I don't want other people to suffer, but it's still interesting that that is the most popular search result when typing in "natural remedies."

 

I find that Ashgawanda helps with anxiety, much more than chamomile tea does for me:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inner-source/201401/ashwaganda-anxiety

I go on Pinterest way more than I should, but I often find the most helpful things, at just the right time. I didn't even go searching for this one, it just showed up in my feed, from one of the people I follow.

Suffering really does comes from wishing things were different...this is so heartbreakingly true that it physically hurts. The hard part is un-wishing those things and making a life that is more realistic and bearable.

Also hard, but on a much, much smaller scale is the need for me to change "effect" to "affect." Here you have this beautiful advice and there's one little mistake and I'm bothered by that...just another example of needing to let things go. :)

from etsy.com

I know I shouldn't be writing while I'm at work, but for the past hour I have not been able to concentrate and I am off the floor so I guess there are worse things I could do. Though that doesn't help the guilt at all. But, still, better I write here than make a fool of myself in the real world, where I am worried about someone I have no right to worry about. 

Keeping my feelings to myself is the most important thing I can do in this matter. I'll send prayers out in my mind, but that's all I can do. I've been down this road before (years ago) and I will not travel that path again. Sometimes you can't and shouldn't let someone know how you feel, because it can actually be a selfish thing if it's only going to end up making them uncomfortable. 

...because sometimes you can't tell someone this directly, but you can always wish them well in your heart.

Someday, sooner rather than later I hope, I will have a grip on all the silly things inside my heart...because really, lately I find the heart to be a huge nuisance and I would rather not feel anything than feel everything. The Wizard was right when he told the Tin Man he didn't know how lucky he was not to have a heart.

 

For anyone who needs to see these...today or any day.

When I talk with my parents I try to think of the most benign and "safe" things to discuss so we can keep things peaceful. Since my parents are Christian to the point they won't have anything to do with non-Biblical topics, this can make conversation hard sometimes.

They like for me to "check in" with them during the day. If I don't they call my cell phone and keep it up until I call them back. So I usually find time during the day to call them from work. Yesterday I happened to mention that a bat had been flying around and that the poor thing had finally been caught after it had gotten confused and flown into more confined space.

My parents latched onto my use of "poor thing" and I explained that I kind of felt sorry for the bat, though I knew it had to be caught. They said they were worried about my sympathy for it, since bats are "evil creatures."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. This is the kind of reasoning I deal with almost every day. The safest of topics is never safe with them and I honestly end up pulling my hair sometimes. I was curious as to whether bats are really considered "evil," though, and did some research.

Bats are rather interesting creatures and are not "evil," but "shy, gentle and intelligent." I've also heard that they are very maternal. I always thought they were blind, but they are not...there are so many things I believed about them that are not true:

-https://books.google.com/books?id=jTO23DDYC9AC&pg=PA21&dq=why+do+bats+have+rabies&hl=en&sa=X&ei=Z10AVYf_OebgsAS29YDADQ&ved=0CEsQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&q=why%20do%20bats%20have%20rabies&f=false

-http://www.nwf.org/Kids/Ranger-Rick/Animals/Mammals/Bat-Myths.aspx

-http://batworld.org/myths_facts_page/

I don't know why I feel sorry for bats, but I do...maybe it's the misunderstood part that gets to me the most. I certainly get "misunderstood."