A few months back I first heard the term "skin hunger" and it blew my mind. The older I get, the more I feel like there are very few things more wonderful than a good hug from someone you care about. I think genuine and loving physical affection (hand holding, kisses on the cheek, hugs) is so underrated and even misunderstood and somehow considered less "sexy" and vital than sex and that simple, basic platonic but deeply affectionate touch is far more important and special than we are sometimes willing to admit.

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/affectionado/201308/what-lack-affection-can-do-you
 for more on skin hunger read here

 

Despite knowing there is no point to it, I cannot stop thinking about a homophobic comment I heard someone say earlier today. I moved on because there really is no point in saying anything nor is a confrontation a good idea, at least under the circumstances at the time. Even so, I think of all the things I wish I could say to this person, wondering if the words would even make a difference. I am emphasizing lesbians as I go on because my co-worker specifically mentioned gay women and because I am a lesbian and that is probably partly why I am so upset, though I would like to think I would be just as offended as a straight person.

If I thought they would, though, my first question would be: do you know there are many lesbians, even in this day and age, who seriously think about killing themselves and only do not do so because suicide (in many people's eyes) is a bigger sin than being gay is?

Or: do you understand, I mean really understand, that all most lesbians want is to be able to safely and legally marry the person they want to grow old with? Maybe not with U-Haul speed, but definitely with the most sincere and heartfelt of longing.

Do you know, can you actually even grasp, that there are lesbians, both teen and adult, who have never been intimate with someone 'that way' and who truly just long for love and simple human contact? That hugging and simple hand holding is just as romantic and much more hungered for than sex? Sex without love, after all, is absolutely meaningless. And you do not have to have ever had sex to know this. You could say you can't miss what you've never had, but I do not think that is necessarily so. Everyone, straight or gay, wonders at some point what sex is like. That does not mean they give in to their curiosities or have a fling with the first available person. Most romantics, especially die-hard ones, could not even imagine getting into bed with someone they did not love nor with someone who did not love them back.

Thinking about what I heard today (I cannot even comfortably repeat it here, though this person also once said "I wonder which one is the man in the relationship?") makes me wonder where their hatred (and there is no way their views  are not hateful) comes from and why they continue to let it fester. Yes, there are lesbians who unfortunately support the stereotypes. I have met them and wondered just as homophobes might, what is wrong with someone who only wants to have sex and nothing else?  But I have read and known of loving, deeply committed lesbian couples, together for decades, whose only crime ever was mutually falling in love. For those of us who are single lesbians our only crime is wanting to fall in love with someone who could possibly love us back. That "that someone" just happens to be another woman should not be the big issue it still is for so many people :(

 

other people's happiness :)

It is a rainy night and I am headachy and even a bit weepy so looking for something good outside of myself is really important right now. Inside my journal I often tuck newspaper clippings that make me feel better...like columns from local papers about animals from local shelters finding new homes or human interest stories that can restore your faith in strangers and the people who live in your community. Below is a section I clipped a while back from The New York Times "Vows" section and it still makes me smile and sigh...I love the photo, especially, for so many reasons, but mostly because the two women in it are so happy and it captures exactly what I had always hoped to find someday.

balmy summer evenings and the Moody Blues...

a nice summer evening breeze and the best song to settle unsettling things...boy, is this song (the full version, complete with poem) heart-stoppingly gorgeous:

In their "heart" section, specifically designed for what your music tastes are and what kind of music you like best, Apple Music has really been highlighting the albums I want to hear lately and I like that so much :)

Stevie Nicks calms me down. I do not know exactly what it is about her voice that does it (the raspiness, the world weary sounds, the raw honesty?), it just does. I have taken medication before for my anxiety and it has never worked right...sometimes even making it worse. As far back as I can remember, music is the only thing that has ever really worked on my nerves, so when that does not work, I feel so at a loss I barely know what to do. 

I saw this on Whisper and I thought, "Wow! I am not the only one." 

The singer appeared as #98 on Rolling Stone's list of top 100 and this is what was written about her:


  Sheryl Crow calls Stevie Nicks' voice a "combination of sheer vulnerability and power," and Courtney Love swoons over "that ridiculous beautiful tone." Nicks' strong, deceptively versatile voice — by turns husky, warm, velvety and childlike — has provided the color and texture for songs ranging from smooth and mysterious Fleetwood Mac hits such as "Rhiannon" and "Dreams" to solo rockers like "Stand Back." "She's so tiny, and this big, deep voice comes rattling out, and I think that's very sexy," said Debbie Harry of Blondie. Nicks has influenced and mentored a wide generation of younger female singers, from the country of the Dixie Chicks to the sweet pop of Vanessa Carlton. "Her voice soothes me," says Love, "gives me something to aspire to and leaves me feeling courageous."

Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/lists/100-greatest-singers-of-all-time-19691231/stevie-nicks-20101202#ixzz3jaonxITI

The thing about love that is both so wonderful and maddening is that once it finds its way into your heart it is most likely always going to be there...and really is the key to almost everything glorious and painful about life.

I think another thing that is important about love is forgiveness...in my case, forgiveness for myself for having strong feelings for someone I shouldn't have feelings for, but do anyway. I mean, after all, if you only want the best for someone and their happiness is your happiness...what is so wrong with that?

I was watching "Major Crimes" a few weeks ago; it was the mid-season finale and the ending was incredibly, incredibly sad and moving. Lt. Tao (who is one of the most calming and compassionate characters on any show, not just "Major Crimes") is talking to a young man who may never see his sister again because if he did, doing so could endanger her life. The young man has just told Lt. Tao how hard it is to care about someone and know you can never be part of their life. In one of the most beautiful scenes of the season, Tao (in his wonderfully soothing voice) says sometimes knowing someone you care about is okay has to be more than enough.

"Do you know how many people would love to hear those words?" He asks, his eyes so understanding and full of kindness. "Your loved one is all right."

                         

Trying to find a more centered peace of mind today, I just discovered this 'new' reissue on iTunes and have been mellowing out as best as I can with it. Really, it is almost impossible not to peace out with the Bee Gees, who put almost always put me into a nice place mentally and even spiritually :)

Some of the songs I have never ever heard before and one in particular, "Charade," is just gorgeous! 

According to lithub.com (a great website by the way!!!), when Alexander Pope declared his love for writer Lady Mary Wortley Montagu the picture below captures exactly what happened. The poor guy...I can imagine exactly how he feels.

a good song for your Friday...

I will gladly embrace any new song that sounds as good as this one. This is such a lovely listen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uYXw_rHHDE

Part of trying to find the part of yourself that you feel you have lost is getting back to the things that once made you so glad to get up every morning and greet the day with enthusiasm. This song is really, really appropriate for today:


 "The Swing Of Things" (a-ha)

You say the world's an eventful place
You give me news
I don't want to know
You say that I should care
That I should speak my mind

Oh, but how can I speak of the world
Rushing by
With a lump in my throat
And tears in my eyes
Oh, have we come to the point of no turning back
Or is it still time to get into
The swing of things

Let us walk through this windless city
I'll go on till the winter gets me
Oh, "sleep..." you wrote "sleep, my dear"
In a letter somewhere

Oh, but how can I sleep with your
voice in my head
With an ocean between us
And room in my bed
Oh, have I come to the point where I'm losing the grip
Or is it still time to get into
The swing of things

Oh, when she glows in the dark
And I'm weak by the sight
Of this breathtaking beauty
In which I can hide
Oh, there's a worldful out there
Of people I fear
But given time I'll get into
The swing of things

Yes, when she glows in the dark and
I'm struck by the sight
I know that I'll need this for the rest of my life

What have I done
What lies I have told
I've played games with the ones that
rescued my soul
Oh, have I come to the point where I'm losing the grip
Or is it still time to get into
The swing of things

Apple Music continues to have albums pop up in the "heart" section that pleasantly surprise me. a-ha's "Hunting High and Low" showed up today and I could not help but listen to the whole thing and remember how much it spoke to me when I was in high school, sophomore year. I received it on vinyl as a birthday present from my best friend at the time and remember thinking it was the neatest, most beautifully moody thing I ever heard.

Even more effective, though, was their follow-up album Scoundrel Days which I think still sounds as good as it did back way back when. AllMusic's review captures it quite well:


by Ned Raggett:

While not quite as strong as the band's debut, Scoundrel Days is still a-ha succeeding as a marketed "pretty boy" band which can connect musically and lyrically as much as any musical sacred cow. The opening two songs alone make for one of the best one-two opening punches around: the tense edge of the title track, featuring one of Morten Harket's soaring vocals during the chorus and a crisp, pristine punch in the music, and "The Swing of Things," a moody, elegant number with a beautiful synth/guitar arrangement (plus some fine drumming courtesy of studio pro Michael Sturgis) and utterly lovelorn lyrical sentiments that balance on the edge of being overheated without quite going over. Although the rest of the disc never quite hits as high as the opening, it comes close more often than not. A definite downturn is the band's occasional attempts to try and prove themselves as a "real" band by rocking out, as on "I've Been Losing You" -- there's really no need for it, and as a result they sound much more "fake," ironically enough. Other songs can perhaps only be explained by the need to translate lyrics -- "We're Looking for the Whales" isn't an environmental anthem, and neither is "Cry Wolf," but both also don't really succeed in using nature as romantic metaphor. When a-ha are on, though, they're on -- "October" snakes along on a cool bass/keyboard arrangement and a whispery vocal from Harket; "Maybe Maybe" is a quirky little pop number that's engagingly goofy; while "Soft Rains of April" captures the band at its most dramatic, with the string synths giving Harket a perfect bed to launch into a lovely vocal, concluding with a sudden, hushed whisper. The '80s may be long gone, but Scoundrel Days makes clear that not everything was bad back then.

Sometimes, I just feel like I am going to tell the person I like I like her, which is not something I could or should ever do. I know this may sound incredibly odd, even nonsensical, but I feel like telling someone besides myself will keep me from saying it to her one day in an unguarded and really off moment. I do not think I would because I would be too afraid to and yet, somehow, the fear (that I will somehow tell her) is also there. And, so, I think of my blog as a way to safely send it out there, no matter how silly that may be. It really is so hard to care about someone you are not supposed to...

sometimes you have to close your heart when you most want to open it...

and sometimes you just can't tell someone how you feel about them.

I am starting to think that the only cure for unrequited love is knowing that there isn't one, at least not if the love you feel is real. I really do not think real love ever goes away and though there are those who claim one-sided love isn't real, who are they to say so? Do they know what is in your heart? Do they know why it makes you sad to see someone you care about sad? Have they really walked in your shoes as you tread extra carefully around someone you care so much about? People who don't understand and would only judge...well, they can't possibly help any more scorn on me than I have already heaped on myself.

I think most people, especially most people who know better (and I may be seriously lacking in a lot of areas, but I know better than to have feelings I should not have), know that no one would chose to feel something for someone that can never be returned.

So, for now at least, until I can figure out things better, there are only two things I can do to keep forging ahead in all of what I am feeling: telling myself it is okay to have someone in your heart as long as you know and accept they will never be in your life and caring from afar and praying for them silently. Those are the only two things I can do that keep me from hating on myself for loving someone I shouldn't...if that all makes sense.

I know I wrote the other day that I did not think it was right to write in a blog about private things and I still feel that way. One reason I had stopped blogging as much as I used to is because of what I feel almost compelled to blog today, to blog right now, despite everything. I am so overwhelmingly confused and in need to have this out in the Universe that I think I am going to risk being inappropriate and write anyway.

I do not even know where to begin, except with the idea that the fear of losing something really good in your life, someone really good in your life, is so overwhelming it zaps all your zest for life. And the things that you can do (no matter how unintentionally) to sabotage all the goodness in your life can leave you feeling absolutely wrecked inside and wondering how it all got to this point...

As I begin writing this, I am not sure at all if am going to end up posting it and if I do post it, if I will keep it up very long. For now I am not planning on it because I am really, really emotional right now and I have always done my best (whenever possible, but not always as much as I wish I had) to not act on my feelings, especially when I feel like this. I think maybe that loneliness and confusion are really driving me right now. 

Until just a few years ago, I never really felt that lonely. I mean sure I would, from time to time, but never this much and certainly never this deep...a loneliness so deep it leaves tons of room for my anxiety to fall right into it. My loneliness gets worse and stronger the worse my insomnia is and it gives me a lot of time to think about things I do not want to, especially when music and books, the two things I rely most on in the world to pull me out of myself, do not help. This past week my loneliness has been almost crippling, with the added pain of confusion over overwhelming feelings that have continued to build inside me no matter how I fight them off.

I would explain the situation that is causing this but it would sound so nonsensical and 'out of this world' that if it were a novel the reader would just not buy what is happening. I do think that I may continue blogging, after all, because I just need these words to go out into the universe since I cannot send them to the person I want to :(

I happen to believe in God and consider myself Christian, but it really bothers and saddens me that people think that praying alone is more than enough to help us when we are suffering. Just like I really, really believe that I cannot "pray away my gay," I also do not believe that faith and prayer alone can cure depression. This article just speaks to me so much I cannot stop thinking about it:


"I don't think it is diminishing Christ's power for anyone to use whatever other possibilities exist to improve themselves physically or mentally. I don't think that it means a lack of faith or a lack of understanding in the bounty of the Atonement to try to lift yourself up to receive it. I think that perhaps instead of pointing the finger at those who are suffering depression, we might as a Christian people do a better job of asking what we can do, listening to those who need help, and praying for them and for ourselves to be more kind, more sensitive and understanding, and to do whatever lifting needs to be done. Instead of coming to Jesus, perhaps people who are depressed need us to come to them, and to bring Jesus with us."


You can read the rest here. It is just amazing to me, in the best way possible:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mette-ivie-harrison/just-come-to-jesus_b_7927634.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Another part that just got to me to so very much is here:

"Another problem is confusing cause and effect. It can be very easy to assume that when other people suffer problems, it is because they aren't making the right choices. If only they were more like us, we think, then they wouldn't have those problems. I don't have those problems, and it must be because of the differences between their lifestyle and mine. This is something akin to the assumption that if I've never had a car accident, it's because I'm a superb driver, rather than related to pure luck or only driving on streets that are have very little traffic."

I think the above really affects me because I think of some of the extremely heartless and even moronic things people say after someone commits suicide. Just because you have not personally experienced something does not mean that it is not real to someone else nor that it is not something genuinely, horrifically painful for them, to the point that the thought of non-existence becomes much more beautiful and welcoming than the thought of existence and waking up every day to new possibilities would be to those who are not suffering so intensely.

The world really does need more empathy and the more we can truly try and deeply understand someone with whom we have no common experiences at all, the more we can become better about not judging them and understanding that as wonderful as faith and belief and prayer can be, it really is okay and even life-saving to look for professional help.

I had a really tough night of sleeping and dreaming last night. And I had a lot of dreams for someone who fell asleep so late and did not sleep that long. I found out when I did a Google search that having more dreams than you would on a regular night of sleeping is actually linked to both sleeping less and depression.

There is so much information on just this aspect within dreams that the three articles below are just a small sample, though definitely some of the best ones:


"In the 1970s, psychologists noted that people suffering from depression also report more dreams than average. In fact, people who are clinically depressed may dream three or four times as much. The quality of REM dreams (also called “paradoxical sleep”) is different too: more intense emotions, more negative themes, more nightmares, and more unpleasant dreams, in general." from:  http://dreamstudies.org/2009/09/15/depression-ssri-and-dreams/


http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/08/dreaming-depression-and-how-sleep-affects-emotions/261051/


http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/strange-but-true-less-sleep-means-more-dreams/


When I was younger and would go to sleep sad I actually would have beautiful dreams that were so good they made waking up worse instead of better. I never could find a link between the two and, in fact, articles I have found seem to suggest going to sleep sad makes you actually dream sadder. There are so many aspects related to dreaming I want to research and I also have to wonder: do we just have more hope in our hearts when we are younger so that is why we can have such beautiful dreams when we are sad? Is it just a weird fluke? Or is there a part of our brains trying to give us a break, like say...when we are trying to desperately escape our grief?

Right after my grandmother died years ago and for months after she passed away, I would dream she was still alive. There were wonderful dreams...until I woke up and remembered the truth. People experiencing the loss of a loved one often have dreams like this and mention that very brief second between sleep and fully waking where they have forgotten for a second and the dream is lovely...and then everything comes crashing in with remembrance.

I have always found dreams interesting to read about and even enjoyed some of my own dreams and had some amazingly wonderful ones...but the worse the dreams become and the harder they are to deal with, the more I think I would just love nights of no remembering. They say you cannot not dream, that even if you think you did not dream on a certain night, you actually did and are just not remembering. I am starting to think that I kind of envy people who never remember theirs...

from today's New York Times

More times than not, it is so hard to find lovely things in the newspaper but as I was reading today's New York Times I was captivated by how very moving this article and writer are:


I’ve been called an angel more times than I care to admit. That’s what happens when you walk down hospital hallways with a harp and have a job that primarily serves people who are dying.

When I went to school to become a music thanatologist, I was in my early 20s. Patients and families were sometimes surprised when I showed up at their deathbed vigil during my training. The wife of one elderly patient met me at the door and cupped my face with her hands. “You’re so young,” she said. “What are you doing here?” It was the question of my life.

Music thanatologists care for dying patients using harp and vocal music as prescription rather than performance. With the raw materials of music, we offer vigils that are tailored to a patient’s diagnosis, vital signs and responses in the moment. Rather than providing a concert of familiar songs, a music vigil offers a quiet space for reflection, rest and, sometimes, for finding meaning as death approaches. 

You can read more here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/jobs/providing-the-soundtrack-for-lifes-last-moments.html?_r=0