So The Queen’s Companion is that kind of gentle and sweet that I love in a romance yet (especially because of its time period) also struggles with the impossibilities that come with being a woman in love with a woman.

There is a scene where the main character goes to church to pray away her feelings. It is so sad and all too easy to relate to:

No matter how hard she tried to extinguish them, her thoughts returned again and again to Bella…The more she tried to shake her feelings loose, the more intense they became and the more she was afraid…

She prays and prays to God until her heart aches and still she has strong feelings for Bella, one of the ladies who attends to her. THIS is why I need lesfic in my life…because it speaks to me in a way nothing (or no one) else does. Everything Catherine feels and prays to leave her body and soul…THAT is how it’s been with me much of the time when I've liked someone I shouldn't.

The Queen has reluctantly agreed to marry for the sake of her country and for Bella’s safety (people are beginning to suspect the two women are in love). The pressure she faces to marry would seem like a mockery of the sacred institution (i.e. forcing someone to marry someone she doesn’t love) but given the time period, I imagine there isn't much choice involved. Gay or straight, many women throughout history were made to get married, through societal or family pressure.

I've been keeping a dream journal for a long time now, but I stopped a few weeks ago to see if I could un-train myself to remember my dreams. I figured since I taught myself how to improve dream recall and even have lucid dreams I could do the reverse. I was desperate, not because of the nightmares I was having, but because of the occasional beautiful ones where someone I liked liked me back. 

Those  were the tormenting dreams, not the nightmares, because besides how awfully disappointing it is to wake up from a lovely dream, I also feel terribly guilty. Maybe I can't help what dreams I have and how real the falsehoods feel, but I certainly can make myself not remember them if I try hard enough.

I think perhaps because I'm not remembering my dreams as much anymore, I am sleeping somewhat better and my daily life is receiving the benefit. I am not over my crush yet, but I think I'm reacting better and I have reached this point in my life where I am neither ecstatic nor despondent...I'm just kind of there.

odds and ends...

Just like my iPod always seems to know what mood I am when I put it on shuffle, books seem to jump into my arms at just the right time. I pulled Paul Bowles off the shelf today because the particular one in question was a Library Of America book and I'm always lulled by a collection I haven't seen before. 

I had just smiled at someone I know and been greeted with what could have been nothing intentional but certainly seemed like an icy response. Then I looked back down at the book and the page I had opened:


It seemed to Kit that each time he looked at her it was as if he suspected her of harboring secret and reprehensible motives. The resentment she felt at his accusatory gaze helped her to regain a little of her lost sense of reality. "I'm sure he doesn't look at everyone that way." She thought. "Then why me?" But she felt too utterly dependent upon the man to allow herself the satisfaction of letting him perceive anything of her reactions.


The exactness of it kind of startled me, but of course it was pure coincidence. There are some people who believe things like this:

https://www.thetreeofawakening.com/synchronicity/

and others who think of coincidences in a more balanced way:

http://www.nytimes.com/1990/02/27/science/1-in-a-trillion-coincidence-you-say-not-really-experts-find.html




On a slightly related note, if you've never checked out the Library Of America series, you should:

http://loa.org





All I know for sure when I encounter people I worry I've offended and therefore (I think) that is why they're being abrupt is that I can't be the same way back. I try to balance being nice with not showing just how much I like them. And when I'm that situation I'm always so tense I feel my smile is more like the Joker's than someone who has genuine good intentions. :(

It's so hard sometimes to know how to be with certain people. But, in general, with people who are not always nice, it's still important to be kind:

 
And it really does seem like the more kind you are to an unkind person, the more they respond positively. We never really know what's going on in someone else's life and what they may be suffering...everyone needs kindness and love in their lives.

 

...an enchanting book

"Above all remember this: that magic belongs as much to the heart as to the head and everything which is done, should be from love or joy or righteous anger."

I don't know if I believe in magic, but I do believe in love and that all things should be done with the best of intentions. :)

I love this collection of short stories. You can read a review about The Ladies of Grace Adieu right here:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/3656035/When-enchantment-takes-root-in-the-shrubbery.html

I love Michael Schmidt's giant book The Novel: A Biography. Among 
the fascinating topics he discusses within the world of fiction...the "self-conscious" voice vs. the "natural" one.

Modern novels seem to lose their naturalness more and more each year. That's why I generally prefer the classics, which (for the most part) always strike me as more genuine in emotion and style.

The more a writer seems to be going for "trendy," the harder it is for me to fall into their world easily. When it comes to novels, I like authenticity, not a "look at me" style that seems to have come from the latest creative writing class.

This article talks of "genuine artifice":

 http://www.believermag.com/issues/200902/?read=article_clarke
http://www.believermag.com/issues/200902/?read=article_clarke 

from The Novel