I went out with a good friend last night and felt pretty nice for a while, forgetting almost everything, even a fight with my mother. My friend is like a sister, closer to me than my own biological sister and I almost felt like my old self. We went to see the 30th anniversary screening of The Breakfast Club.

I had forgotten had sad and sincere the movie is, how true to life it is and I left feeling kind of down because I am so much more like the teen I was then the adult I should be now. Physically and emotionally I worry I haven't changed much and the scares me very very much. If anything, I am more emotional now than I was then.

I just want to get over this, that is all. I have turned into someone I don't like. I have never ever been a very eloquent person, even at my best, but these past few months I can barely talk at all without rambling or just completely trailing off into nothingness.

I've had crushes before, but nothing like this. And, except for high school, I've never messed up things with the person I liked before.

I think (generally) in life, if you're lucky, you might get a second chance to make a fresh start with someone. But you rarely get a third chance. And so...if you really muck things up, you're left in a very awkward place, even more awkward if you're in a situation where you have to see this person a rather frequent basis.

I'm not a mind reader, but you don't have to be a mind reader to know when someone has lost their patience with you. It doesn't matter how different you are inside from how you are on the out; people usually can't see who you really are, unless they know you incredibly well.

I consider myself very lucky to have my good friend with whom I went to the movies last night. I relax around her like I do no one else except my niece and like I did with my grandmother before she passed away. Tomorrow, my friend and I are going to a pet expo and I'm hoping between her great company and all those animals, it will be a nice day.

...getting past things

This is something nice for a rainy Friday...by poet Kahil Gibran.>>>>

Other quotes about sorrow:

 http://www.livinglifefully.com/sorrow.htm

 And this is just for anyone who understands:

 

Imagining...

I can feel it sometimes, like a vision from a far away parallel universe. A vision of someone to love who loves me back. It feels so real sometimes, but I know better. It's just something from when I was younger and would go to my happy place, something I've never completely been able to shake off altogether. Or maybe it's a guardian angel, though I don't know that I have one and that's a completely different kind of love anyway. But anyway...if you need some love today, this is for you.

...because if you don't laugh, you'll cry

The above isn't really that kind to humans, but somehow it still makes me laugh, even though I probably shouldn't. It's horrible when someone (you think, at least) used to like you enough as a human being suddenly can't bear your company anymore. This week has been especially kind of hard because I'm starting to worry the damage is permanent and we will not only never be good friends, but struggle even in the most basic of acquaintance.

They are too polite to say so, but I can see it in their eyes and the way they avoid direct contact...I feel like I'm back in high school again, only this time (at least I hope not) I didn't make any overtures of unwelcome friendship, because this time around I knew almost immediately they wouldn't be wanted. My feelings must have just come through by osmosis or my inability to put on a good poker face. 

Now, I don't know what to do. It's always been a bit of a challenge trying to balance being nice without being a pain, but I know it's not my imagination these past few weeks. This article below has some helpful advice, though I suspect it's meant for younger people. After all, as a grown woman, I should probably have this all down pat by now.

Here's the article, with emphasis on this (for me):


...but reacting badly to the situation will only make you look desperate.

http://friendship.about.com/od/New-Friendships/fl/When-Someone-Just-Doesnrsquot-Like-You.htm

The thing is, though, right or wrong, I still care about this person and hope things are going okay for her. Since I can't really ask, I'll have to settle for wishing her well within my own thoughts and heart. I don't see the harm in that.

If... If I could, though, I would say, I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. I wish I could make things better for you and your family." But no matter how I wish I could and how sincere I would be, I can never say that to her. She doesn't want my concern nor my friendship and I have to accept that...

I'm reading today's New York Times and I saw these letters to the editor, all of which are good and make valid points. Having grown up in a household where "fat" was a four letter word, I understand (as so many women do) how our self-esteem can be unbearably linked to our body image.

You can read the letters here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/24/opinion/fat-talk-damages-people-and-society.html?ref=opinion&_r=0

The original article is here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/15/opinion/sunday/the-perils-of-fat-talk.html