I have never felt more for a bird in my entire life. At work, we have windows where trees back right up to them and all morning long this bird has been flying into the window (which doesn't open) and knocking himself up quite a bit. 

He also has been sliding down at times so that you are on eye level with him and actually see the frustration he is experiencing. Of course, this could be me projecting my feelings onto him but I do think he is very upset and my heart goes out to him. 

Even if he does think he's attacking another bird (not nice, I know) the frenzy and determination (and utter futility) of what he is doing is very troubling. It feels exactly like someone repeatedly knocking their head against a wall, which is part of what's so troubling about it.

We have tried tapping on the window when he approaches, putting up something to try and deflect the reflection that must be making him think he's seeing another bird, talking to him...but nothing works. The weird thing is even his singing sounds frustrated. I don't know how many times he can hurt himself before he does damage. :(

According to an article I found this is what is actually going on:

 http://www.wild-bird-watching.com/Cardinals-Windows.html

...Though it's a few hours later now and he is still at it and it seems so out of the ordinary, even for birds...one of my co-workers thinks the bird might have a brain injury. It seems like that could be it...but it is just so sad to witness no matter what the cause. He is on this loop that is so hard to witness.

I went outside to look closer and to see if anything could be done and this is what he looks like (I couldn't take my own picture since he is so agitated):

When I came back in a customer was watching the bird from inside and she told me it's less common for the tufted titmouse bird (above) to fly into windows repeatedly like this guy has been doing...

Even if I weren't gay and even if I weren't at odds with my parents over this issue, I know I would still support gay rights. Earlier today at work, I overheard a co-worker say something homophobic and I think it was only how tired I was and how futile I knew it would be that I didn't say anything to them. I clip news articles sometimes so I can pull them out on especially trying days and read things like this:

"His commandment is worthy — and warranted. All of us, no matter our religious traditions, should know better than to tell gay people that they’re an offense. And that’s precisely what the florists and bakers who want to turn them away are saying to them."

 http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/05/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-same-sex-sinners.html

There are so many real evils in this world, so many real battles to fight, I sincerely, with no malice towards the far far right or anyone else who is anti-gay, cannot understand why gay marriage (and the desire for two people to share love and grow old together) is considered one of those battles. Love is love and I firmly believe that, even when people I know and respect are telling me otherwise.

I have been thinking about solitude again and how to live with yourself when you're not sure you particularly like your own company and the things that normally take you outside of yourself are just not just holding your attention like they used to. 

This article, even more than the Post one on grace, really resonates with me today. It is so painfully true it hurts to read. Some parts just jumped right out and hit really hard:


--I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be happy with my life. What I'm learning is that I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. That seems crazy to me, but it's the truth. At 42 I'm uncomfortable in the skin of a gay man. I think that has everything to do with my feelings of unworthiness and undesirability. I just don't like myself. I'm looking for outside "liking" in order to feel good about me. That's never going to cut it. I have to be proud of me: my life, my accomplishments, my choices.

The article concludes with this:

--I wish we could bottle up that time in childhood when we feared nothing and were game to try anything. Imagine being able to uncork that bottle and take a small whiff, remembering how it felt to be fearless, to not care what other people think, to know we are loved, worthy, cared for, desired.

Go ahead. Imagine that bottle. Uncork it. Breathe deeply. Find it. Find the courage. Find the confidence. I'm talking to myself here. Breathe deeply. They're there. Breathe deeply, Michael. Now live.

The rest can be read here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rohrer/how-do-you-find-self-worth-when-you-dont-like-yourself_b_3658485.html

I have been up for hours, been out and already gotten more done in six hours than I usually do in two days. I am so antsy it's amazing I can sit down and read the paper, but I am reading it and just finished this terrific piece from the op-ed section of The Washington Post. Anything that mentions Saint Augustine (even in passing) always draws me in anyway, but I think this article has a lot to say and the book it draws from definitely sounds worth reading:


http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/david-brookss-new-book-the-road-to-character-and-a-path-to-grace/2015/04/23/90484508-e914-11e4-aae1-d642717d8afa_story.html

Every time I read an op-ed piece or hear an interview with someone fervently (and sincerely, I believe) going on about their religious rights being trampled on when it comes to gay marriage, I actually feel (especially lately) like I am going to burst into tears.

My own parents say the most vitriolic anti-gay things, never really trying to see things from my point of view. I admit I haven't had to give up much since I never met someone who loved me back that I wanted to share my life with...but I yearn to meet someone, deep down in my heart, and they have told me more than once they would "make me" me go back to "ex-gay" therapy if I went back on my promise to never "be" gay.

Never mind that as far as I can tell from looking it up online, parents cannot place grown children in therapy against their will...never mind this, for right now. What hurts most is how they see so many things I believe in as "evil" and wrong...things that I squash down whenever I am anywhere near them or even when I'm not...they want me to be happy according to their beliefs and ideas of happiness, not mine and it really, really breaks my heart and sometimes, like tonight, I just can't go through with my promise to go visit them.

I know there are other parents like mine, parents who may or may not mean the best for their adult children, who may disagree with them on other issues besides gay marriage. They could be unhappy with their children for a host of reasons and only be willing to "be there" if their children agree with them one hundred percent. Maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think this is fair nor is it unconditional love...and if we can't have unconditional love with our own family, who can we have unconditional love with?

I wish that people who are anti-gay would truly try and understand that gays and lesbians are not out to change the world for the worse or tell far right Christians what to do or what believe...that all we really just want is to live in a world where we don't feel like a small part of us is dying each day because we're trying to be something we're not for the very people who are supposed ("supposed" in the sense that that's what parents do) to love us the most.

I don't expect my parents to accept or agree with me, I just want them to understand that I can't make myself be something I'm not...