This is another example of taking peace (and happiness, especially in relation to "book happiness," which is a self-contained happiness that is far less likely to disappear than other kinds!) wherever I can find it. I am so glad to see L.T. Smith has a new release. It seems like it has been forever since her last one! I love the cover and I love that I can count on this being a really nice and wonderful read because I have yet to be disappointed by this wonderful writer. This is next on my TBR pile as soon as I finish reading for my job :)

As I have continued to struggle with my insomnia and face that things are changing in my personal life, I will take any peace I can find whenever and wherever I can find it. I was believing the wrong things, which has lead to my unhappiness, and I was looking to happiness outside of myself and it really is true (I truly believe this) that you really cannot be happy when you care too much about what other people think and when your happiness comes from another person. As some of the things I have not wanted to believe are true really are true and this sinks in I took solace in the weirdest places, like in my "Fringe" dvds and sad songs and in how somehow Mary McDowell's voice is so darn soothing and it makes things seem like they are going to be better. I know how silly that must sound, but just as I love the "Fringe" cast, I find "Major Crimes" to also have one of the best ensembles ever in a tv show. Everyone on the show has something to contribute and though my insomnia continues to be a bear, it is nice to have "Major Crimes" to keep me company.

from cafepress.com

I gave up coffee back in April, but this is what insomnia feels like to me.

from: "How To Stop Hating Yourself" (lifehacker.com)

"If you dismiss the things that do not matter; if you remove those things from your mind and focus on what must be done; if you understand that your time is limited and decide to work now; only then will you be able to get to the finish line. Otherwise, you will be dissuaded into living a life you aren't interested in.

Side note: You need to handle failure and obscurity better. You may be in a tough place right now where you feel lonely or like a loser. No worries, we've all been there. But it's time for you to realize how common these things are, and that they're experienced by even the most successful and happiest people in the world. Those people get past them, and you will too."

As things in my personal life have really started to get a bit overwhelming, I find myself disliking myself even more than usual. This article is really, really insightful and helpful:

 http://lifehacker.com/how-to-stop-hating-yourself-and-start-down-the-path-to-1688096718

 

from thoughtcatalog.com

I will say this for mean and painfully blunt people: you always know where you stand with them! To find out that someone who has always been civil, even sometimes very nice, to you actually does not like you is far more painful than knowing right up front that the mean person cannot stand you!

I think of this one person I know and how the way they look at me says far more than the words that come out of their mouth. :( 

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best:

I think this would be less hurtful if I weren't also facing the inescapable inner knowledge that a friend I recently made has changed her mind about me and is slowly drifting away. :( All the signs are there and I know it is only a matter of time before I lose her friendship. I am not very good with making friends, I never have been. It is like all the bad things within me (my loneliness and even, I am ashamed to say, my sometimes intense tendency to show my feelings too much) can be suppressed for a while, then, one day, just rise to the surface and really scare people off...

I am struggling to deal with the conviction that someone I like a lot just cannot stand me and I found this article online which has a lot of good things to say, including this:

But in the end you realize something very important. She just doesn't like you. She just. doesn't. like. you. Something about the essence of you has her angry, jealous, annoyed, whatever.

This thought should be freeing to you. Because you're off the hook. But as it's freeing, it can be overwhelming as well. Why doesn't she like you? Aren't you so likable? Didn't Mom tell you that you're the sun to her shine? You think you're pretty swell. Are you wrong? Does everyone hate you but you, and you're compounding your dumbness by missing that?



Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/24294-some-people-just-dont-like-you#rrTw29br6XGFUX1E.99

Fringe therapy

There are times lately when I think the only thing I still care about is watching "Fringe" on what feels like an endless loop. I have no passion for food anymore and really only eat because I have low blood sugar and I cannot concentrate on a book for longer than twenty minutes without putting it down. Even music does not feel the same to me lately. I blame this on both me and my insomnia, which lately (because insomnia actually feels like it can take up residence inside me) feel like the same thing.

When I cannot sleep at night, which is often, I watch my "Fringe" dvds. I bought the complete series back in November and I am already on my third "start over." I only watch it after I am through for the evening and too exhausted to clean anymore or do anything even remotely functional. I am seriously starting to wonder if the fact that this is the only thing I watch anymore means there is something seriously wrong with me.

And then I realize, each time I start over again, that Walter is "Fringe" to me and that I wish Walter were real (not John Noble, whom I like but nowhere near adore as much as Walter, the character he plays) and that he is the heart of the show, though the entire cast is just magnificent, all of the ensemble creating wonderful nuances in each of their characters.

Whether Walter is trying to find the 'perfect' strawberry milkshake recipe or is playing his favorite music (on vinyl, ranging from Bach to Bowie), he is both endearing and brilliant in what he loves and how thinks.