I saw this in a recent issue of Woman's Day magazine and I could not help but think of someone that I really look up to at work and how true it is, not only about her but anyone in our lives who makes us feel this way:

Even though we are not the friends I wish we were, she inspires me (and others) and I am not sure if she knows this or not. Unfortunately I could never tell her this without sounding weird or like a flake so I am saying it here, though I know it will go unseen by her.

I'm having such a hard time letting go of wanting closure. There is "before" and "after" and "before" I met my friend and we started writing and became faithful correspondents I used to find journaling and anonymously blogging enough. Now, though, now that I know what it is like to share thoughts and feelings with someone else almost every day for almost three years and then not have that anymore, well, it hurts. 

And the lack of closure, the disappearance...well, how can you not blame yourself and torture yourself with what you did wrong? When your trust was shaky "before" and you let yourself be open with someone else in a way you never had before and then things change, well that only compounds it all. 

It is my fault, of course, how I choose to deal with this, but I am still just so lost and sad. "Ghosting" seems to be almost exclusively linked to dating and relationships but it hurts as well when it happens in friendships.

to feel like you're from another planet...

I love wikihow, even their advice on trying to get past the pain of losing a friend is good:

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Friends-Who-No-Longer-Want-to-Be-Friends-With-You

I struggle with what to do with all the emails from the friendship I am still missing so much and I know the advice to delete them is probably really, really good advice, but I just cannot bring myself to do so. There are some of the most wonderful correspondence I ever had in my life...

Now that I know what I know it hurts more than I could have imagined to read older ones and yet I know good advice when I see it  :(

As I sometimes struggle with how others behave I cannot help but think about a recent episode of "Bob's Burgers" and something wonderful that Tina said. On really hard days I try to remember and hold this close:


Maybe we all have a little bully inside of us. Maybe when we think people are being mean to us it can make us mean. But even if people are difficult we have to resist, we have to try to be nice. Maybe it will bring out the nice in other people-<3 #BobsBurgers


And on days when it seems like there is a disproportionate number of 'mean people' I also try and take a step back and wonder if I might be the one with the problem. 

I remember reading a long time ago, though I cannot remember where and cannot find it on Google, that if one or two people give you trouble it is probably them. If more than that do, then it might be you, even if you are not aware you are doing anything wrong or would never intentionally do so. I say 'you' very generically as I believe this is something I need to work on.