I had the most vivid, oddly real dream Saturday night.

In it newest version of the IT clown sits next to me at a weird dimly lit dinner event. I turn to him and said, “Look, buddy, if you're trying to scare me, you just can't. This past year’s already done that. Go jump in a lake.”

He somehow cries and I wake, oddly refreshed and empowered, yet also sadly realizing it's probably the best dream I've had in ages.

wine-colored words

in-between my asexuality and being gay😔❤️💔

I am too defeated by anti-gay rhetoric to fight it anymore. People such as Everett Piper write exhaustively about gays and lesbians as if they are evil incarnate and it almost seems as Piper and his like can focus on nothing else but gay people. Never once does the anti-gay crowd acknowledge that being gay is not only about sex and that, for many of us in the LGBTQ community, often it is _never_ about sex.

Another group of people that often get misunderstood and maligned are those who are asexual. They are either totally (and falsely) denied who they are ("there's no such thing as asexuality") or they are told to just keep quiet about something no one wants to hear.

I am so upset right now I cannot adequately express what is in my heart and on my mind. I do know, though, that asexuality is very much real _and_ that you can be asexual and lesbian and be in with love someone, deeply and purely, past or present.

I think I have been mistaking repression for absence, if that makes sense..that my wanting so much for something to be gone does not make it gone, but instead leaves behind this intensely sad exhaustion. 

Whenever LGBTQA+ issues are in the news I feel so frustrated, even distraught. 

I get that I should not like someone the way I do, especially when they do not feel the same way and it is totally inappropriate. 

I get that there are millions and millions, most likely billions, of people who do not think the LGBTQA+ community should have any rights at all, or worse, that those billions just hate us, even (in some cases) want us dead. 

Knowing all of that, though, has not helped me fight who I am and I am just too defeated; if I keep trying to fight I don't think I will make it. 

People are who they are and if they are not hurting anyone, they should be able to go on that way. As much as I find myself pulled down by the anti-gay rhetoric and vitriol out there I also feel a bit better when I read commentaries like this one:


https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/mary-schmich/ct-met-mary-schmich-supreme-court-gay-transgender-cases-20191009-xkfhktag4bdstoqcbzxdnzos2y-story.html

My heart has hit a wall and that is fine with me. For the first time in seven years I feel like I am in possession of how weak I am when it comes to my feelings and I am so grateful for that. 

Why now? I wonder and what do I do about all that wasted time I spent pining so ridiculously for someone so out of my orbit and so not appropriate to even have emotions for in the first place. The fact that this person is amazing and very worthy of being liked so much really has nothing to do with it at all.

Like a steady pain that is not quite as bad or as strong as it used to be this heartache is pretty much now manageable. And I am just going to accept it from now on and not question why I no longer feel despair that someone I like so much is never going to be my friend. 

Why seek out answers I no longer really find myself asking. I am just going to let it go and thoroughly be grateful I can, even if the price to be paid is a heart that feels more and more like it is made of stone (in all areas, not just this one) than one that is burst to overflowing with every feeling imaginable.

There is only one place I ever want to be and that is at home with my cat. I even have a coffee mug that says, "I just want to be a stay at home cat mom" and is that ever the truth! No person, no place has ever made me feel at home as I do when I'm with my cat. 

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with this, in and of itself, but, more and more lately, I am finding it hard to function well when I have to be away from him and that is not so normal. 

Even now, on a very quick break at work which I shouldn't be taking anyway as I am behind, all I can do is think how much longer it is until I'll see him again.