Obviously, common sense and emotion don't always go hand in hand, though I wish they did. It would make life easier and more eloquent. Because I am so lacking in that particular combination lately, I prayed for guidance today when I knew I'd have to be around X for more than a minute.

I think I say pray because there's an extra sense of urgency in this particular case that she never know how I feel, as if her being of sincere and conservative faith makes it somehow worse that I have feelings for her. I have always felt, deep down and perhaps inexplicably, that liking someone who doesn't feel the same is a bad, bad thing and that I should have known better, been more responsible for my emotions right from the start.

Unfortunately, there's not always an exact moment you can pinpoint from meeting someone for the first time to realizing one day you like them. It's not like your heart tells you, "Hey, buddy, I wanted to give you a little warning that things are about to change a bit." Liking someone, for me at least, has never really felt like a choice. It's always been like something that happened to me, only I didn't realize it until after it happened.

Today, I wasn't worried that I might suddenly burst out with a passionate "I like you SO much" or anything embarrassingly blatant like that. It's more like the things I have trouble controlling when I'm around someone I like: shaking hands, babbling like a fool or clamming up and not saying a word at all or bumping into things or dropping them.

I think God must have been with me today because I actually was able to talk as normally as I'm capable of around people. I even was able to reassure myself that I don't think she has a clue as to all of "this." If she did know, I just don't see how she could be so pleasant.

Anyway...I'm not quite ready to declare that I'm cured of or able to let go of my feelings yet (though I long to), but I am trying extra hard to be in control of my emotions and I'm also looking for books and articles that may help.

This is some of what I've found so far. It's not related to feelings for people so much as it is how we react to things, but I'll take whatever I can get:

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/how-to-control-your-emotions/

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to monitor one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior...from Wikipedia.

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Overreacting-Effective-Strategies-Emotions-ebook/dp/B003VPWXFG/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404690865&sr=1-1&keywords=controlling+your+emotions

...just getting started with Katherine Mansfield's terrificallyunderstated short stories

From the introduction to the V-36 (Vintage) Edition of Stories: Katherine Mansfield

the next page continues with: "...yet through it all, there have been moments, instants, gleams when she has felt the possibility of something quite other."

"I wish." Two of the most useless words in the universe. I wish...I wish I had had a better grasp on my emotions and hadn't spent so much time acting like a cartoon character around someone I like so much. I wish my silliness and inability to form complete sentences didn't give me away and that whenever I sense she knows I didn't have the urge to say, "Believe it or not, this is me trying my very hardest not to be such an idiot around you."

The only thing that has pulled me out of it lately has been that family things have been pretty intense and my niece has been staying with me. I think it's better and much nicer to have another person to look out for, care for, to get your mind out of yourself. 

Some people thrive in their singlehood (something I used to do until I hit my 40s) and others sink back into it like a bean bag chair they can't get out of, struggling to find that missing part of themselves.

My life plan has derailed so badly I doubt it will ever get back on track, but the one thing I hope it's not too late for is to truly conquer my emotions and not react so obviously (and sometimes so badly) to things and people.

I can't recommend Invisible Ellen by Shari Shattuck enough. I just have to share a few things about this wonderfully heartfelt (it can be sad yet also comforting) novel. 

from Booklist magazine:

Ellen Homes lives a quiet life, working nights as a custodian at the local Costco and spending days holed up inside her small apartment. Overweight, socially stunted, and burdened with a facial scar received during childhood at the hands of her abusive mother, Ellen is comfortable letting the world go by without her. But when she witnesses an attempted mugging, she discovers hidden strengths when she single-handedly chases away the perpetrator. The result is an unexpected relationship with the victim, a young blind woman, Temerity, and her brother, Justice. The women become fast friends and find their experiences with crime have inspired a greater need to help the underserved. The two become involved in a variety of escapades, including helping Ellen’s pregnant neighbor connect with her relatives, solving the attempted murder of a local drug dealer, and uncovering an international crime ring at Costco. In her seventh novel, Shattuck (Lethal, 2005) delivers strong, well-balanced characters and clever dialogue, making this both a fun read and a satisfying story of personal transformation. --Carol Gladstein

Praise for Invisible Ellen
“A sweet comedy about a lonely young woman who discovers she has a talent for righting wrongs.” —Good Housekeeping

“An upbeat, entertaining survival story about the souls of lost human beings often ignored by society. With her well-drawn characterizations and distinctive protagonists, she shows how lives can be profoundly transformed through unlikely human connections.”
—Shelf Awareness

“Shattuck delivers strong, well-balanced characters and clever dialogue, making this both a fun read and a satisfying story of personal transformation.”
—Booklist

"Invisible Ellen is a heartfelt and moving portrait of life on the sidelines.  It is a book for anyone who has ever felt they didn't count.  And who hasn't felt that way at least once?  A lovely, compelling novel about a woman you won't soon forget."
—Kristin Hannah, #1 New York Times-bestselling author of Fly Away

“Look out world, a new dynamic duo is in town!  Ellen and Temerity sparkle on the page in this tale of unlikely friendships, heartbreak, paying it forward and taking a stand!”
—Gena Showalter, author of Beauty Awakened

“Ellen is the most unique, well crafted heroine I have ever had the pleasure of taking a journey with. Every character jumps out at you in full bright color and is utterly unique. It moves me to think about how many "invisible" people this book will touch and make stronger.”
—Claudia Christian, actress on Babylon 5

I would never say that love stories are the end all and be all for my fiction life, but I have to confess they mean more to me than they should. Certain passages pop out at me as if they are random, yet also as if they are meant to be seen at this point in my life. I don't really believe that much in Fate or meaningful coincidences, but it does help when I read something eerily relatable at the exact time I need them.

The second in the L As In Love series is immensely better than the first one I mentioned a few weeks ago. It's far less shallow and people actually try and have meaningful relationships, even if they do mess them up.

Several different lines spoke to me, which is great right about now, since there's something very freeing and wonderfully non-isolating in knowing others (no matter how fictional they may be) would get your pain:

-A woman is presented again and again with insoluble conundrums, and she simply has to resign herself to the basic fact: things are what they are.

-Sometimes we can’t defend ourselves from our own feelings, even if we want to... even if our good sense tells us something else.




And from Side Order Of Love (it's really hard to take that title seriously, even if it is a rather sweet book):

-She couldn’t undo anything in her past now, but she could still make her own future. Or remake it into something different from the path she was on.

-She just didn’t quite know how not to act like a jerk around Grace. She liked Grace.

- Ashamed to be carrying around this private pain for a woman who didn’t love her.

Both of the above novels, despite the second one's silly title, are quite good, especially for lesfic, which tends to suffer a bit when it comes to slow building friendship, emotion and romance.