Solace in song

 

I think a certain amount of exhaustion comes with being counter to who you are and that a day at your own place with no one else around to put your game face on for can be one that is very peaceful.

It's not phoniness I'm talking about (I really do like people) but trying to be outgoing when you're truly (no matter whether anyone would believe it or not) very shy.

I'm doing laundry (that's not so peaceful since the agitator continues to cause problems and I have to run and fix it more than once in a cycle) and listening to Triumvirate by Lewis and Clarke, the moniker for Lou Rogai, who sounds like what you would get if you mixed Nick Cave with the Nationals. It's quite a lovely album to have playing on a cold afternoon.

One song, in particular, grabs hard at your heart and fills your soul with the voice of someone who would understand your pain.

An article from Huffington Post captures the album quite well:

Its ambition and scope make Triumvirate somewhat difficult to classify, but alas, one must try: If a steel worker from Pittsburgh had a child with an organic vegetable farmer from Western Oregon and that child, after being trained in both vocations, was sent to a liberal arts school to study classical literature and music theory, Triumvirate, 15 years later, might be the album she/he would create. This is not Rogai's story, but it speaks to the aesthetic of his new record. Amid the burnished strings and sumptuous piano lines there is a gritty, agrarian ethic pulsing through Triumvirate. One feels the reverence for landscape and labor at its core; its beauty is not effortless, it is workmanlike, earned like a harvest wrested from black soil. In the sparse and stirring "The Reach and the Grasp" Rogai sings in a pleasantly rusted, undulant tenor:

The hills have hearts in lonely dawn/And we're listening to its pulse/In a cadence of stormy march/We count the miles between the claps/The lines are etched into the shell/It's the genius of design/There's a feather frozen still in the waterfall/Will you take it as a sign?

For Rogai, there is an order and instruction to be found in nature if one has the poise and patience to observe it. The origin of Rogai's fondness for landscape isn't hard to pinpoint, he lives on the fringes of a National Park in Delaware Water Gap, Pennsylvania where he swims, hikes, records and runs his label. His music is informed by the grandeur he wakes to each morning--rivers and mountains, the skyward arcs of hawks and falcons--all the splendor we can lose sight of when we're suffering. Rogai suffers less now. He lives with his son and fiancée, and his love for them was pronounced in the two discussions we had in preparation for this piece. In both phone calls, Rogai effusively updated me on his son's growth in school, music and life. Today Rogai is clean-shaven, with considerably shorter hair. He and Showalter have reconciled and since collaborated on a forthcoming Lewis & Clarke song, and a new calm now mingles with the lingering wildness in Rogai's eyes. You can see it in the superb short film, A Map of a Maze (directed by Kevin Haus, shot by cinematographer Dan Papa) made to mark the release of Triumvirate, or the recent session he recorded for Fogged Clarity in an abandoned stone chapel near his home. In each video, Rogai has the look of a man who has survived to create something special.

You can read more here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ben-evans/lewis-clarke-discover-red_b_5829924.html


Also wonderful is "Let's Be Still" off the head and the heart's album of the same title. It's gorgeous and amazingly peaceful. I love it so much:

The lyrics all together:

You can get lost in the music for hours, honey,
You can get lost in a room.
We can play music for hours and hours
But the sun'll still be coming up soon

The world's just spinning
A little too fast
If things don't slow down soon we might not last.
So just for the moment, let's be still.

You can get lost in the music for hours, honey,
You can get lost in a room.
We can play music for hours and hours
But the sun'll still be coming up soon.

The world's not forgiving
Of everyone's fears.
The days turn into months, the months turn into years.
So just for the moment, let's be still

There tearing down
So we can rebuild
And all this time
Is just circles in my mind
So just for a moment,
Just one moment,
Just for a moment let's be still
Just for a moment let's be still
Just for a moment let's be still
Just for a moment let's be still.

The world's just spinning
A little too fast
If things don't slow down soon we might not last.
The world's not forgiving
Of everyone's fears.
The days turn into months the months turn into years.
So just for a moment, let's be still

Just for a moment let's be still.
Just for a moment let's be still.
Just for a moment let's be still.
Just for a moment let's be still.

Just for a moment let's be still.
Just for a moment let's be still.

A writing exercise, but also good advice...

I’m old school Dean Koontz. Watchers and Lightning are two of my favorites, not just of his, but of any writer. In his heyday (largely considered to be the late 80s into the mid 90s), Koontz was the king of suspense, often rivaling his unofficial competitor, Stephen King with bone-chilling moments and characters you really cared about.

Watchers, in my mind, works so well and has remained unforgettable, not just for the nail-baiting suspense, but for the colorful characters and the intriguing approach Koontz takes with the age-old theme of good vs. evil.

The story begins with Travis Cornell, a former Delta Force operative who is backpacking in a canyon near his home when he encounters two drastically different creatures who have escaped from a science lab. One, a sweet golden retriever with the kind of smarts your usual canine just doesn’t have and the other, a horrific creature (we’ll later discover is called the Outsider). Travis rescues the dog and takes him home.

But it doesn’t end there, of course. Travis eventually meets a very shy and traumatized young woman named Nora. Dog, man, and woman eventually find themselves on the run, not only from the Outsider, but from federal agents (who are not necessarily friends of the law) on a mission to find the lab escapees.

Where Koontz’s later works often strike me as contrived and even repetitive, Watchers is first-rate. There is an oddly moving (deeply moving, in fact) scene where we learn that during their time in the lab, both Einstein and the Outsider were forced to watch Disney movies featuring Mickey Mouse. Both of them grew quite fond of the famous furry guy, and later when the Outsider sees something with Mickey Mouse again, the reader witnesses a flicker of humanity in an otherwise inhuman monster. It captures the good vs. evil motif quite nicely without being over-the-top or artificial.

Up until my late 30s, despite evidence to the contrary, I used to believe I could still find mutual, true love, even though that belief came from silly, romance novel-induced hope more than anything else. I knew better, I did, but I wanted it so much I let myself believe the fantasy.

Nowadays, I think my chances of winning the lottery are much higher, but I still like to dream whenever I read something like this:

As always, Dara was struck by the unmistakable love her friends shared. It was so clear that they were meant to be together. Dara swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back the involuntary tear that threatened to escape. Carolyn and Stan had something she likely would never know. She was so happy for them, but there were times like these when the sight of two people so in love left her longing for more in her life.--All That Lies Within, Lynn Ames

I made a silly wish in a fountain a few years ago and I knew (of course) it wouldn't happen, but (shortly after that) I did meet someone I grew to be fond of...I know the fountain's not to blame, but I did forget to stress reciprocal love when I made that wish.

Though the most ideal solution would to actually stop these feelings once and for all, they seem to still be there...despite praying, despite getting involved in some new activities, despite (luckily) still being able to get lost in books and music. While I have failed miserably in vanquishing the crush, I am finally (I think) finding myself able to function well around this person and not continually act like either a fool or a rude clam.

There are very few good things about having a crush (especially a crush that has lasted way longer than it should and feels like it's never going to end) on someone, except maybe the following.

-It can help (believe it or not) if you're in a situation where your parents have trouble with your being gay and will only accept you if you "deny" that part of yourself (i.e. I don't date in hopes of meeting someone special and plan on remaining single forever.) This may sound odd, but when you truly like someone no one else seems to hold your interest and, therefore, your longing to date dims.

-You never have to worry about being rejected because you're not in a relationship of any kind with them. When you're not feeling guilty, you even sometimes allow yourself just to enjoy their company and how neat they are as a person.

-If you've always known from a fairly young adult age that you're always going to be alone, it isn't the non-reciprocation that hurts (that's a given and something you can accept) but knowing that they would be absolutely aghast at your affection for them. This is where the guilt and lack of good poker face skills really take their toll and what make up most of the pain of liking them.

-When you get to the point that you truly are okay with one-way feelings, you also find joy in their happiness. Of course, this can be frustrating on the opposite end because you hate to see them sad and you have no real right to care about them and actually help.

That may sound silly (there's that word again...but, really aren't crushes and middle age a silly combination?) but when I know it's not my place to see if she's okay I just pray and hope that things work out for her.

Painful moments of occasional crush overload aside, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single your whole life as long as you accept it peacefully and find outlets (friends, family, animals and even strangers who seek your help) for your deep need to care about others.

Sometimes I reread a book because it's fabulous and sometimes I reread it because I love the characters and the lives they lead. This time it's because of both reasons that I'm back with this novel, even if the cover is not a fair representation of what goes on and the kind of love both main characters share is so very hard to find in the real world.
 

All That Lies Within by Lynn Ames is such a terrific novel! We're 
talking sigh-and cry-inducing, good old-fashioned romance. Plus, it has smarts and great chemistry.

Sure, it's sensual and romantic, but it's also incredibly endearing and adorable and I already want to read it again. Rebecca (whose sensitive personality sometimes doesn't jive with her more sharpened professional take on life) is an interesting enigma and a woman I can understand Dara Thomas helplessly falling in love with despite her reservations.

Both women are fascinating characters and it's interesting the way they come together. The letters they exchange once Rebecca seeks out Constance Darrow (Dara's very secret Pulitzer Prize-winning alter ego) are very insightful and a great set-up for all that follows.

Dara's initial standoffishness then incredible foray into desperately needing and inexplicably wanting to protect Rebecca is one of the sexiest things about All That Lies Within. _This_ is what good romance should aspire to, this is what makes a book so good you keep it on your Kindle so you can read it again as soon as you have the time.

The only downside to this book is the little longing it leaves behind in your heart, making you wish love like this could happen in real life!:)