I am propped up in bed, hoping to fall asleep because I feel like I haven't slept right in ages and sleep (good sleep) can be such sweet relief. It's amazing how something so common is so hard to find.

I'm also not really getting how to actually be lately, then I see this in the magazine I'm half-heartedly reading. I don't follow Dr. Phil at all, but this speaks to me. If fear of rejection is so common I wonder why humans (in general) aren't nicer to each other.

There are days when I'm almost afraid to leave the house, not because I'm afraid of people so much...as I'm afraid of how I will interact with them.

Except for work I really don't go anywhere but to the store and to get my errands done. I don't necessarily like being alone so much, but the worrying part of me prefers that, because it's impossible to unintentionally antagonize or annoy someone if you keep to yourself, by yourself.

The worst thing about good intentions is it doesn't always matter who you really are or what you mean...people often only see what is on the surface. 

A shy person comes across as a snob. A person who is fearful or been hurt whenever she dared open her heart in the past now may come across as cold or uncaring. 

Past experiences or tormenting thoughts can keep us from showing our true selves and we are judged by what we do or say, not by what we feel. So someone who comes across as a stumbling conversationalist or as having no emotions may be the exact opposite...some of us figure it's better to stay hidden than to venture out.

I wish (sometimes), like ET, we had heartlights so we all knew where we stood with each other.

Can you will yourself to stop caring about someone who doesn't want to be cared about by you? I don't know if it's entirely possible, but lately I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to do, even if only outwardly.

When you ask if someone is okay and someone else tells you "this has nothing to do with you," it may hurt, but it really gets you thinking, helps you realize your place and how you need to stay firmly inside it.

Closed doors, both literal and figurative, would be more than enough for me to figure out it's not good to push boundaries as to whether someone is okay or not. I would get that in some instances it's just not my right nor my place to care about some people, even if I hadn't learned that long ago in high school.

Meanwhile, when I tried to Google "what to do when you have no right to care about someone," absolutely nothing came up...surely, other people have liked people they're not supposed to...maybe, it's just common sense stuff, which scares me if I'm so clueless that I have to look that up.

I think it's one reason I'm not very good with people, in general. I am so bad at reading normal social cues and I tend to compensate for my shyness by trying harder to be outgoing and friendly, ending up being foolish instead of pleasantly sociable. 

I feel like sometimes I need an entire manual on how to be a normal human being.

And I've realized something else...once (not if, but once, since I have to!) I finally get over my feelings of unrequited love I am through with all of it and I never, never (never!) want to meet anyone I could like, reciprocated feelings or not. To paraphrase Quarterflash, "I'm gonna harden my heart."

It is exhausting...not the caring about someone, that is pretty much okay...what is exhausting is caring about someone and having to hide it, that is what tires you and your soul out.

But no matter what the situation, I don't ever want to feel so silly and irrational again in my life.

I think something my mom told me (when she insisted I tell her what was bothering me and I gave her the generals of it, very vaguely) might help. She said, "Maybe this person doesn't want you to care. If they did, they would have told what you was wrong." 

I know unrequited love makes no sense at all, but I don't think it's supposed to make sense. My whole life I've been going down a one way street in the wrong direction and now it's time to truly come to my senses.

This is a link below to articles and websites about unrequited love. A lot of the info refers to "pursuing" someone. The only peace I can take away from my experience is that I never ever purposely showed any outwardly interest...nor would have it occurred to me to show any.

If anything I have done everything not to...because that's one of the things about unrequited...it's completely one-sided and you know it's completely one-sided.

http://unrequitedlovehelp.com/unrequited-love-psychology

 

Listening to Chant is the closest I've come to finding any true peace the past few days...a beautiful album that has over 121 reviews on Amazon, 81 percent of which are 5 stars. Below is a review from allmusic.com 

 

 

Decca's recording of chant sung by the Cistercian Monks of Stift Heiligenkreuz in southern Austria fulfills the purpose of this type of album: mellow, slow, reflective chant melodies for general audiences. The CD has high production values; the sound is exceptionally clean and clear with just enough resonance to evoke a monastic atmosphere. The singers have light-, pleasant-, natural-sounding baritones, and their voices blend smoothly. Their singing is more expressive than many performances of this repertoire, with a subtle use of dynamic shading that follows the melodic contours of the chant. Two of the most satisfying tracks are simply the tolling of the bells of the monastery with birdsong in the background. The notes, which reflect a Roman Catholic spirituality, don't identify the source or specific era of the chants being sung, but simply describe them as "Gregorian." The volume of the album is very loud, and the listener will probably want to adjust the levels to avoid being blown out of the room. --Stephen Eddins

I wouldn't say the music is loud enough to blow you out of the room. If anything, being surrounded by all its strength is amazingly comforting.

This is the horrible thing about having good intentions: sometimes they are hard for someone else to read and all they can judge you on is your behavior. That's certainly understandable; no one is a mind reader and even people who know us can't always tell why we do what we do.

If you ignore someone, for instance, it definitely comes across as being rude no matter that you're terrified if you look at them, they will see things you don't want them to see. On the extreme opposite end, if you're concerned about someone and express that concern and it's unwanted, then you can come across as having no respect for their privacy.

When you worry about something you did or didn't do, it doesn't really matter what your intentions were because the results are what have to be lived with for a long time. The unrest and worry it stirs up can make you physically ill and have the other person never want to have anything to do with you again.

You literally (whether because of worry or guilt or unease) can feel "beside yourself." I know when I feel beside myself it's almost like the pain is so intense you have to leave your own body. But I was curious as to a more medical or psychological explanation so I Googled the expression and found this:


...So it’s only to be expected that in such an extreme state of feeling, any mental clarity (let alone lucidity) would have evaporated.

It’s crucial to point out that being “beside yourself” is an unusually wide-ranging, all-purpose idiom. For it can refer to almost any emotion at all, as long as in the moment that feeling (another idiom here!) “holds sway” over you. Totally under its influence, it—rather than your reason or common sense—“oversees” or “regulates” your behavior, even though to others your being so overcome with emotion is likely to make them perceive you as not in control at all.

It might be helpful to enumerate some of the emotions, both negative and positive, that have frequently been associated with this familiar idiom. But first it should be emphasized that what links all of these different emotions is that they relate to extreme nervous system arousal—whether it be of agitation (negative) or exhilaration (positive).

So, for example, you might be “beside yourself” (or “out of your mind”) with anxiety, anger, frustration, confusion, fear, worry, rage, grief, sorrow, or depression. Or, you could be “beside yourself” with glee, joy, astonishment, enchantment, awe, or ecstasy (which typically—and secularly—refers to an extraordinarily pleasurable, dopamine-drenching sexual experience). Just compare being “in the pit of despair” with being “in seventh heaven” or “cloud nine.” For in either case, you’d be “beside yourself.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201410/where-are-you-when-you-re-beside-yourself