I'm having such a hard time letting go of wanting closure. There is "before" and "after" and "before" I met my friend and we started writing and became faithful correspondents I used to find journaling and anonymously blogging enough. Now, though, now that I know what it is like to share thoughts and feelings with someone else almost every day for almost three years and then not have that anymore, well, it hurts. 

And the lack of closure, the disappearance...well, how can you not blame yourself and torture yourself with what you did wrong? When your trust was shaky "before" and you let yourself be open with someone else in a way you never had before and then things change, well that only compounds it all. 

It is my fault, of course, how I choose to deal with this, but I am still just so lost and sad. "Ghosting" seems to be almost exclusively linked to dating and relationships but it hurts as well when it happens in friendships.

to feel like you're from another planet...

I love wikihow, even their advice on trying to get past the pain of losing a friend is good:

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Friends-Who-No-Longer-Want-to-Be-Friends-With-You

I struggle with what to do with all the emails from the friendship I am still missing so much and I know the advice to delete them is probably really, really good advice, but I just cannot bring myself to do so. There are some of the most wonderful correspondence I ever had in my life...

Now that I know what I know it hurts more than I could have imagined to read older ones and yet I know good advice when I see it  :(

As I sometimes struggle with how others behave I cannot help but think about a recent episode of "Bob's Burgers" and something wonderful that Tina said. On really hard days I try to remember and hold this close:


Maybe we all have a little bully inside of us. Maybe when we think people are being mean to us it can make us mean. But even if people are difficult we have to resist, we have to try to be nice. Maybe it will bring out the nice in other people-<3 #BobsBurgers


And on days when it seems like there is a disproportionate number of 'mean people' I also try and take a step back and wonder if I might be the one with the problem. 

I remember reading a long time ago, though I cannot remember where and cannot find it on Google, that if one or two people give you trouble it is probably them. If more than that do, then it might be you, even if you are not aware you are doing anything wrong or would never intentionally do so. I say 'you' very generically as I believe this is something I need to work on.

I watched "Dickensian" for the first time a few months ago and loved it far, far more than I ever could have dreamed, especially since I am not a big Dickens fan and had already kind of half-formed in my mind what the series would be like. I could not have been more wrong and despite hoping to watch it piecemeal so that it would last as long as possible I still ended up binge-watching it. I recommended it to some customers at the library where I work and they came back later and told me they loved it, too, and we got to talk about it, which I always find one of the best parts about reading a book or watching a tv show.

Despite my not being a Dickens fan I have always been drawn to Miss Havisham's part in Great Expectations and, sure enough, her story line (meshed in with those of all sorts of Dickensian characters, thus the name of the British drama) is as mesmerizing as it is heartbreaking. Tuppence Middleton is outstanding as Miss Havisham and, dare I say, may be the best one ever!

So when I read the article below (emphasis on the highlighted portion) I felt almost vindicated on Miss Havisham's behalf:

http://www.signature-reads.com/2018/03/heres-miss-havisham-can-teach-us-grief/?cdi=23CF0F99DEDE2BF3E0534FD66B0A902E&ref=PRH24BB520913



"Yet the  backstory interrupts notions Miss Havisham had been some delicate flower. Instead, evidence suggests that she had been a powerful woman who was strong enough to guard her own interests against the overt machinations of her half-brother, and she had felt confident in her self at such a level that she trusted that her evaluation of her fiancé was the correct one. Rather than allow herself to be talked out of pursuing her heart’s desire, she had stood up to those who had used bullying tactics to try to get her to give up her lover. Thus, when he failed to show up for their wedding, this wasn’t just a matter of losing a love relationship: it meant that Miss Havisham had learned that she could not trust her own judgment. Her belief in herself shatters in response to the betrayal, and Miss Havisham goes into an extended period of mourning. But the grief, I would argue, is not for the lost love. The grief is for herself and the complete loss of faith in her own abilities to understand people."

The tree outside my window has been a surprisingly lovely refuge for me over the years, no matter what the season. In fall it looks so lush and its many, many leaves help me feel sheltered. In the winter (unless it's snowing) its very bareness reminds me that though things can get bad they will not always be bad...because spring (or so the calendar says) is right around the corner.

And the thing that makes me most happy about that tree is that my cat seems to really like it, too, and the window that gives him the view:

Books and cats and music...all can be so healing.

As I slowly start to feel less pain over things that have been happening for a while now and that I long should have gotten past and as I also accept that I cannot change the heartbreaking parts of life, I find myself beginning to become interested (really interested) in things like books again. And I cannot help but think of this wonderful quote from T.H. White's The Once and Future King:

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

ghosting hurts, no matter why someone does it...

Perception is reality is a saying I believe very much. Because we all have different life experiences and often see things in ways unique to us (I think) it is impossible not to see things different than they may actually be.

It is only recently that I heard the term "ghosting," whereupon someone in a friendship or relationship slowly (or maybe not always so slowly) just disappears, by not emailing or texting or calling anymore. They fade away, thereby the "ghosting."

I do not consider myself a very good person. I have done things I am not proud of and I believe, because of my own thinking and because of things I have been told by others, that being gay is sinful, at least according to the Bible. I have, though, been a good friend to the person who has "ghosted" me...or at least I think I have been.

Being told "I am not mad at you" or "it's not you, it's me" as the person backs away (in this case, metaphorically) may be a more gentle kind of ghosting than others, but it is still ghosting and it still hurts very, very much. This person and I confided in each other often and said things we might not have said to other people. I cannot, however, in good faith (or any kind of faith) reach out to see if I am actually being "ghosted," even if that is not the reality that is happening.

In my mind, with my past experiences, perception is reality and my perception tells me that this person, while possibly taking a less direct and even perhaps (I stress perhaps) cowardly approach, no longer wants anything to do with me. She most likely thinks she is being kind by not telling me the truth. But as an old Russian proverb goes: "It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie." 


I thought I was okay with the end of this friendship (or what seems like the end of it), but I am not. I want closure, I want to know what I did wrong. The thing is...there is no way I can or will ever get it because to contact this person would be wrong and disrespectful of boundaries. All I can do is hope she is okay and move on, trying to forget that for almost three years, just shy of a few days, we told each other so many things and (I thought) helped each other with a pain we shared in common. I wish her well, always, even if she will never know this or would not care if she did.




**This article is helpful and can help put things in perspective if something like this happened to you:


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201705/6-ways-deal-the-pain-being-ghosted


I especially like this part, which may not make it right, but makes absolute sense, even if it still hurts:


5. Even if it isn't something you would do, it can help you to move on if you make some room for the possibility that the person who ghosted you thought that he or she was doing the right thing. It may have been cowardly, but I have been told by some people who have ghosted someone else that they believed it was the easiest way to let the other person down. "It's better than some lame excuse that just makes the other person feel bad anyway," said one woman. "The message gets across."

When I was in high school this was one of my absolute favorite novels and when I recently re-discovered the very same copy that I bought at a B. Dalton bookstore in the mid-80s I was thrilled, both to find it again and to re-read it and realize I had not built up its greatness in my mind.

There is a new biography (out this month) on Agatha Christie that I have only just started, but am already liking. There is so much I did not know about her, including her very deep love for music and yet I can recognize in words she wrote about her own life what has always drawn me to Giant's Bread 

Author Laura Thompson (who spends quality time on Agatha Christie's books as well as her life) writes this about what led up to writing Giant's Bread:

"Sane, wise, realistic Agatha: her idea of misery, in the confessions entry that she made in 1903, was to 'wish for the unattainable,' and this was what she truly believed."

Talking about giving up what she loves most, character Jane Harding says, "I pretend I don't mind-but I do...I do. I loved singing. I loved it, loved it, loved it."

That horrible pain that comes with giving up something close to you is captured so well, both in the words themselves and the cover (one of many different ones over the years and, I think, the best).

wonderful passages from “iZombie” early on in the show:

-Liv Moore: The passionate mind is selfish. It's so focused on what it desires, reason becomes background noise. Javier's brain made me cross the line that divides what I long for and what I can never have. There were so many nights I could have been with Major that I stayed home studying. Days I could have spent sucking the marrow out of life I spent building a resume for a life I'd never have. There were parts of me that were dead even before I became a zombie. So, maybe, that means that it's possible for me to spring to life. Even now that I'm dead.

-Liz: “And I’m not over it at all. I need to get there eventually...what’s the alternative? Stay in love with a guy (girl) I can never be with?”

-Maybe it’s better I’m radioactive, that I repel the people I love. Keep things simple. Harden yourself, Liv. You’re a monster.

Hoping to return here more regularly to write (even if is just to spill thoughts and feelings that will never ever be read by another soul, I still need to shed them)  and to move past some things that have happened that have both taken (and not taken) me by surprise. 

Really, not much surprises me anymore except that the heart does go on even after it feels like it has been completely broken and that you can go on too. And maybe not everyone would get this, but I really, really, really believe that my cat is why I am not bitter or sad or anything else bad that can happen when your heart feels like it is breaking because you dared to trust another human being could find something to like about you and want to be your friend and never hurt you.

Despite the contrary, despite all the stereotypes out there, I also really, really, really believe that cat ladies survive and even go on to thrive and that cats (or dogs or bunnies or gerbils or hedgehogs or any other animal that can be a pet) are a source of fresh air and inspiration, not a reason to shut one's self off from the world and all the wonderful things it still has to offer despite so often being a very scary place.

as seen on Pinterest

For inspiration...

Reading an interview with Kylie Minogue (who sounds not only like a sweet person, but also like a real class act) in a recent Sunday Times article I felt so much of what she had to share jump at out at me, but no two parts more than these:

I think a big part of me has been almost immobilized by things that have been going on, so much so that except for getting up to take care of my cat and be there for him as he is there for me I was finding it pretty much impossible to get through each day. I still care (very much so) about the things and the people who have so deeply affected me, but the difference now is that I not only need to get over it I have to...and I am hoping that the quiet little voice whispering inside me ("Maybe it's not too late to start over, maybe you haven't completely ruined things, maybe she doesn't know how you feel about her") is right...