So help me God...

So I flubbed my biggest New Year's resolution from last year (to get over my silly unrequited massive crush) and I am thoroughly ashamed (thoroughly!)

That doesn't mean I'm not going to try again for this year (I am!) I half fear that the reason it won't go away is because it's love and not a crush (love stays around a lot longer than a crush does), but I don't know much about love personally so I'm not really sure.

I'm going to take the worry I feel whenever she looks sad or doesn't feel well or I miss her and make up someone imaginary in my head to direct all that care and concern toward...because I know I have absolutely no right to care about her, not one bit. Besides that, I don't think it's all that healthy to have such feelings when they are so out of proportion to how well you know the person.

When I was much younger I could make up almost anything in my head with just enough balance to make it a nice escape but not something so strong I wouldn't want to return to reality. I'm not sure I'm up to imagining a whole person, but I think I'll just direct all the silly feelings inside me, all the untapped love, and send it out into the universe.

I'm not a wine person, not at all. But after dropping my niece back at her house yesterday and suddenly feeling tons of things I'd been suppressing for days, I decided to go to the liquor store and get some Pino Gigrio. This decision was based not on the intention to get drunk (I never have been my entire life) but to find some kind of mellow.

When I hang out with my niece we have so much fun I almost always forget the worries and anxiety that are often a daily part of my mind. She is my most favorite person in the world and one of the few people I completely relax around. She's funny, smart and has awesome taste in music. After our time together ends, I sometimes get in a tiny funk.

This time I really did because for some odd reason the things that had been going on in my "other" life before we got together for New Year's resurfaced. 

I remembered the look of horror on an acquaintance's face that she probably didn't even realize flickered across her face when I asked her a question. I thought about how my parents are starting up again with saying how I should be married (to a man) and how I'm a disappointment to them because I remain single. I cringed at all I did wrong this year and how much I want to get it all right this upcoming one.

I just wanted to forget for a little bit...maybe not the most mature thing, but it's the truth.

Instead (despite the surprisingly pleasant taste) I got a nasty headache and a nagging sense of unease. I think I will just stick to music for unwinding and trying to escape for a while. It's a whole lot safer.

How I wish it could be in real life...

This is not only one of the sweetest romance novels I've ever read (it's now my third time to revisit it) it also has one of the most touching (if also unrealistic) coming out scenes ever.

Why can't all parents be like the mother here? I have actually seen parents stand by a (guilty) child accused of a heinous crime and yet there are still many mothers and fathers who would sooner disown their gay daughter or son than want them to find true love.

It is both mind-boggling and heartbreaking. :(

The part that follows takes off after the mother is curious about the song her daughter (who writes her own music) is playing on the piano. She senses that Casey has written it for someone special and genuinely wants to know more about it...

 

I saw this on Whisper earlier today. Whisper is a "secret confessions" app you can get through the Apple store. It's geared (I'm pretty sure) for a much younger crowd than I belong to, yet I love reading Whispers since so many of them are easy to relate to and almost can dull the ache of your own experiences.

 

I hate to think of others suffering, yet a part of me also feels comfort knowing complete strangers would get what you are going through in life. The Whisper above is one of the less serious ones, but it's still universal and it is pretty darn painful to wake up after a beautiful dream.

In honor of finishing off a particularly harsh year of emotions getting the worst of me, I say #%^* off to 2014 with one last horribly honest post so I can exorcise these pesky little demons once and for all. 

There are advantages to not being "seen", especially when it comes to not being attractive or desirable.

You can go through most of your life wearing (unintentionally or not) your very own cloak of invisibility, no magic or superpowers necessary. 

You don't get asked (as each year that passes, midlife appears more and more in the rearview mirror) "why aren't you married?" (This, sadly, does not apply to one's own parents.)

You don't have to worry that the person you like ( whom you don't want to know you like) knows because she doesn't see you in any way that counts (see cloak of invisibility.) 

There is actually a certain clarity that comes with knowing you have absolutely no appeal as a possible romantic partner...to anyone. You never have to agonizingly wonder if someone might like you because past experience and the brutual truth only a mirror can provide offer the answer up right away, every day.

Of course when you feel you aren't really seen you also 

start to wonder if you exist in any way that is meaningful. I believe we were put on this to love and (hopefully) be loved back, but sometimes that doesn't happen. When a loving soul resides in a unlovable body it is pure torture to the soul inside that body.

You can deflect all you want (always laugh at yourself before anyone else gets a chance to) and you can pretend you don't care. But no matter how shy and awkward we may be even the most unlikely of us wants to share our heart with someone who could (somehow) want it.

Believing in New Year's Resolutions ultimately means nothing if I'm not willing to back them up with action. I so hope I do. I so hope 2015 is the year I finally get far more practical and lose the silly schoolgirl shlock that romance novels and movies love to feed.