I have been thinking about solitude again and how to live with yourself when you're not sure you particularly like your own company and the things that normally take you outside of yourself are just not just holding your attention like they used to. 

This article, even more than the Post one on grace, really resonates with me today. It is so painfully true it hurts to read. Some parts just jumped right out and hit really hard:


--I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to be happy with my life. What I'm learning is that I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. That seems crazy to me, but it's the truth. At 42 I'm uncomfortable in the skin of a gay man. I think that has everything to do with my feelings of unworthiness and undesirability. I just don't like myself. I'm looking for outside "liking" in order to feel good about me. That's never going to cut it. I have to be proud of me: my life, my accomplishments, my choices.

The article concludes with this:

--I wish we could bottle up that time in childhood when we feared nothing and were game to try anything. Imagine being able to uncork that bottle and take a small whiff, remembering how it felt to be fearless, to not care what other people think, to know we are loved, worthy, cared for, desired.

Go ahead. Imagine that bottle. Uncork it. Breathe deeply. Find it. Find the courage. Find the confidence. I'm talking to myself here. Breathe deeply. They're there. Breathe deeply, Michael. Now live.

The rest can be read here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-rohrer/how-do-you-find-self-worth-when-you-dont-like-yourself_b_3658485.html

I have been up for hours, been out and already gotten more done in six hours than I usually do in two days. I am so antsy it's amazing I can sit down and read the paper, but I am reading it and just finished this terrific piece from the op-ed section of The Washington Post. Anything that mentions Saint Augustine (even in passing) always draws me in anyway, but I think this article has a lot to say and the book it draws from definitely sounds worth reading:


http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/david-brookss-new-book-the-road-to-character-and-a-path-to-grace/2015/04/23/90484508-e914-11e4-aae1-d642717d8afa_story.html

Every time I read an op-ed piece or hear an interview with someone fervently (and sincerely, I believe) going on about their religious rights being trampled on when it comes to gay marriage, I actually feel (especially lately) like I am going to burst into tears.

My own parents say the most vitriolic anti-gay things, never really trying to see things from my point of view. I admit I haven't had to give up much since I never met someone who loved me back that I wanted to share my life with...but I yearn to meet someone, deep down in my heart, and they have told me more than once they would "make me" me go back to "ex-gay" therapy if I went back on my promise to never "be" gay.

Never mind that as far as I can tell from looking it up online, parents cannot place grown children in therapy against their will...never mind this, for right now. What hurts most is how they see so many things I believe in as "evil" and wrong...things that I squash down whenever I am anywhere near them or even when I'm not...they want me to be happy according to their beliefs and ideas of happiness, not mine and it really, really breaks my heart and sometimes, like tonight, I just can't go through with my promise to go visit them.

I know there are other parents like mine, parents who may or may not mean the best for their adult children, who may disagree with them on other issues besides gay marriage. They could be unhappy with their children for a host of reasons and only be willing to "be there" if their children agree with them one hundred percent. Maybe I'm wrong...but I don't think this is fair nor is it unconditional love...and if we can't have unconditional love with our own family, who can we have unconditional love with?

I wish that people who are anti-gay would truly try and understand that gays and lesbians are not out to change the world for the worse or tell far right Christians what to do or what believe...that all we really just want is to live in a world where we don't feel like a small part of us is dying each day because we're trying to be something we're not for the very people who are supposed ("supposed" in the sense that that's what parents do) to love us the most.

I don't expect my parents to accept or agree with me, I just want them to understand that I can't make myself be something I'm not...

Internally, I'm having a kind of challenging day...about a lot of things, really, but also because of the homophobic things I still often hear in my life and the things anyone can read and hear in news and commentary...one of the best articles I've ever read on what being gay is like is here, with emphasis on this part:


 Far too often Christian, when you make the statement that being gay is a sin, what you're really doing without realizing it is reducing all LGBT people down to a sex act -- as if that alone defines sexuality.

You're denying any emotional component in their lives, any capacity to feel real love or show genuine affection toward someone else.

In a gross oversimplification, you're labeling a complex, fully formed human being as merely a performer of intercourse.

That's something you would never do with heterosexuality, and especially not with your own sexuality, because you understand implicitly that your sexual orientation is about much more than a physical act. It's a much deeper part of who you are than that.

It's about far greater things than just plumbing and gymnastics.

You know that in your own life, the physical act of sex isn't the totality of your sexuality -- that it is also about affection and companionship and the desire to love and be loved. It's about who you are drawn to and attracted to and compelled to be close to.
 

I would go even further and say that a gay person can be celibate and perfectly okay with that and yet still have romantic and deep emotional feelings for someone. Being gay is no more about sex all the time (or even at all) than being straight is...We do not assume that straight people are always being physical (that they are all about the physical) so why should we about gays and lesbians?

The rest of the article can be found here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-pavlovitz/yes-homosexuality-absolutely-is-a-choice_b_7106800.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

I'm still thinking about the article on solitude from Harper's...between the revelations and superb writing it can really take hold of you. Thinking about solitude has made me think about other things as well...and on days like these, I truly believe there is no worse enemy than one's own self...and that even though it can be really hard to be alone, it is better to be alone because at least then you know you won't make a fool of yourself or unintentionally be rude or thoughtless with someone you like.

And then there is the sadness of knowing a second chance is gone for good...or even a third or fourth one, if you're lucky enough to get those. That is me, that is how it's always been with friendships I wanted more than life itself...there's a point up to where I can be okay, where they might not even dislike me and then I do something (definitely unintentional, always excruciating, that either happens in one defining moment or is a series of moments all within a day or two) that can never un-change how they see me.

It doesn't matter what my intentions are because only I truly know what they were or are...the person on the other end of my intentions can only see the bad results. And, even if they did understand, what do our good intentions matter when it's our actions and outer things that affect (and hurt) others the most?

On a related note (as far as wanting to try and just to keep quiet so I don't say or do anything out of line in the first place) I put this on hold at my local library. In a way, it's kind of nice to know there is a wait list for it...because other people must struggle too with worrying about what comes out of their mouths.

Another book that looks interesting:

And..one of my favorite songs ever kind of speaks to the pain of not being who you want to be (unless I'm totally interpreting it wrong)...

"Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve


'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?