I think I have been mistaking repression for absence, if that makes sense..that my wanting so much for something to be gone does not make it gone, but instead leaves behind this intensely sad exhaustion. 

Whenever LGBTQA+ issues are in the news I feel so frustrated, even distraught. 

I get that I should not like someone the way I do, especially when they do not feel the same way and it is totally inappropriate. 

I get that there are millions and millions, most likely billions, of people who do not think the LGBTQA+ community should have any rights at all, or worse, that those billions just hate us, even (in some cases) want us dead. 

Knowing all of that, though, has not helped me fight who I am and I am just too defeated; if I keep trying to fight I don't think I will make it. 

People are who they are and if they are not hurting anyone, they should be able to go on that way. As much as I find myself pulled down by the anti-gay rhetoric and vitriol out there I also feel a bit better when I read commentaries like this one:


https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/mary-schmich/ct-met-mary-schmich-supreme-court-gay-transgender-cases-20191009-xkfhktag4bdstoqcbzxdnzos2y-story.html

My heart has hit a wall and that is fine with me. For the first time in seven years I feel like I am in possession of how weak I am when it comes to my feelings and I am so grateful for that. 

Why now? I wonder and what do I do about all that wasted time I spent pining so ridiculously for someone so out of my orbit and so not appropriate to even have emotions for in the first place. The fact that this person is amazing and very worthy of being liked so much really has nothing to do with it at all.

Like a steady pain that is not quite as bad or as strong as it used to be this heartache is pretty much now manageable. And I am just going to accept it from now on and not question why I no longer feel despair that someone I like so much is never going to be my friend. 

Why seek out answers I no longer really find myself asking. I am just going to let it go and thoroughly be grateful I can, even if the price to be paid is a heart that feels more and more like it is made of stone (in all areas, not just this one) than one that is burst to overflowing with every feeling imaginable.

There is only one place I ever want to be and that is at home with my cat. I even have a coffee mug that says, "I just want to be a stay at home cat mom" and is that ever the truth! No person, no place has ever made me feel at home as I do when I'm with my cat. 

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with this, in and of itself, but, more and more lately, I am finding it hard to function well when I have to be away from him and that is not so normal. 

Even now, on a very quick break at work which I shouldn't be taking anyway as I am behind, all I can do is think how much longer it is until I'll see him again.

The past few days I have been thinking somewhat of high school, which is very odd for me as I like to not ever think of it, whenever possible. 

Unlike my sister (who was very popular back then and who would immediately hop in a time machine and go back right now if she could) I sooner jump into a living version of Dante's Inferno. 

I've been trying to figure out why my mind has gone back to the late 80s and I think it's because of a commercial that has been in heavy rotation lately. It features the hit song "Is This Love?" by Whitesnake and I shudder every time it comes on television.

The year the song came out I was in the midst of the worst crush of my life and I was dealing with trying to understand how it was possible for a girl to have feelings for another girl. 

Not everyone is okay with that!

Some people will speak as though they are speaking for everyone and very few things drive me more up the wall than this. 

Take, for instance, women who say they don't mind if people smell their hair or touch them (either sexually or non-sexually) or kiss their hands. They make it sound as if people who do have a problem with this are the ones with the problem and I just don't think that is the case.

The older I get, the less I like to be touched, especially unexpectedly and without invitation. It amazes me that some people have absolutely no idea of boundaries, both emotional and physical, though right now I am thinking mostly of the latter. Working in the public, I can say that it is even more amazing how few strangers get this.

What follows below is one of the best articles I have ever seen on personal space and what to do if it is invaded:


https://www.printfriendly.com/p/g/2VR8qq


I tried to directly paste the article here, but it ends up showing very oddly.

The most important and reassuring aspect I found is right here (referring to someone who calls you on your not like being touched):

She may respond with, “Well, that’s just how I am,” at which point your response can be: “And this is how I am. Please respect that.”



"Please respect that." Three simple words that should be taken to heart by the personal spoken to and truly (truly) followed.