The Washington Times is one of the few papers left (and I do not mean this is as a compliment) that regularly features anti-gay op ed pieces. Their most recent one argues that (in terms of discrimination) no class of people should be protected based on their "desires," meaning for them (The Washington Times) sexual ones. For publications and people who are homophobic, more times than not they frame their arguments against gay rights strictly in terms of the sexual aspect, which is why I believe they so often use the word "homosexual" over the more friendly and accepted "gay."

I get so very tired and saddened by this argument...by the homophobic belief and argument that gay people are strictly ruled by some sort of salacious desire and that they have (or want to have) sex 24/7. This is not the case and I think it is the only argument they have and a very, very flimsy one at that. I can only speak for myself, but I have a feeling I am not the only gay person who could care less about desire and who is much more focused on living a good, clean life and who has a heart that wants love as much as any straight person does.

Just as homophobic people apparently cannot change who they are (though belief is not inborn the way being gay is) neither can gay people. The only "ex-gay therapy" I know of that works is one I do not even want to think about...because as much as I find some days a very, very hard (near impossible) struggle and have had tempting thoughts about non-existence, I still want to live, not die.

It seems to me that not thinking about something (or someone) is a little bit easier than not feeling about something (or someone). I am just scraping by at not thinking (mostly not, at least) but failing miserably at not feeling. 

Books often me re-direct my thinking, which is one reason of many I love them so much. Sometimes, though, they hit me hard and oddly comfort and connect to my thoughts and feelings in a way I both want to avoid and want to embrace.

Currently, I am reading this:



It is full of thoughts and feelings that I have rarely encountered before in fiction, though, as I find with every lesfic book I read, the main character's feelings are returned. I would so like to find a novel or short story that deals realistically, unflinchingly and without any kind of starry-eyed idealism, with true unrequited love...not the 'fake' kind where both characters (*sigh*) realize at the end they really do like each other. 

Reading can help you feel less alone in situations you think are unique to you and that can help you feel less alien and monster-like. But, despite all the wonderful books I have read, I still long for that one. 

In the book I'm reading now there are so many passages that hit me hard (there are ones about coming out to family that eerily reflect my own experience, down to the words the mother says and the actions she takes in making absolutely clear she will not be accepting her daughter).

This one comes very close to hitting the nail on how I would give anything to never have encountered the feelings (and maybe even the person, as lovely a person as she is) within me:

The point being, I wasn’t a person who was uncomfortable with physical contact. So long as it was friendly, of course. Why then, was the feeling of Sarah’s hand on mine so unnerving? If I had the luxury of foresight, I might have said it was an omen. An omen telling me to thank her and walk away. Keep my distance. But I didn’t have that luxury, and I didn’t walk away. She wouldn’t let me.

I must stress again that this book is about requited feelings and that for me, the "she wouldn't let me" is not the person but my persona or whatever it is in charge of my emotions. But even so I relate to them. As much as I like the person I like and as much as she has been a great role model for me, I often wish I had never met her :(

The closest I have ever come to a novel capturing the pain of unrequited love is this:

by Dorothy Strachey

And, really, I get the distinct impression that the only reason there is no reciprocal relationship is because the recipient does not feel it is right to act on their feelings, something else I can relate to...

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for people who are happy about the holidays and spending their Christmas with their family. I don't begrudge them a single thing and wish them well, with all of my heart and soul. The problem is how some happy holiday people treat those of us who (often unbeknownst to them) struggle deeply.

"Did you see your family yesterday?" Someone asked me the day after Thanksgiving.

"No," I said, quietly, moving on to ask them about their holiday.

"You didn't go see your parents?" This person persisted, a look of judgment on her face that was unmistakable and piercing.

"It's kind of a long story," I mumbled, in a kind of jokey voice, hoping she would just drop it.

She must have seen the look on my face because she did, but she does this each major holiday and never seems to understand that I don't want to explain or talk about it. She doesn't need nor have to know that my situation has to do with my being gay and coming from a family that is so homophobic and strictly religious to say it is suffocating is putting it mildly.

I long to say to holiday happy people: please don't judge those of us who don't see their families at Christmas or those who choose to clam up about it. Not only is it not your business, it is something you are judging (sometimes harshly and unfairly) without knowing anything about the situation.

The holidays are not a happy time for everyone and as long as we are not being a Scrooge about it and not commenting on how you spend your holidays, I think we have a right to be left alone in our answering and in our being subject to scrutiny.

So I'm sitting at my desk on a lunch break, eating the way I prefer it, by myself. I know how cold this must sound, but I don't mean to be. 

I just find socially eating very awkward to begin with (especially in groups, but even often just with another person)...plus, I really, really like having the time to catch up with quick reading or some listening to music with my headphones. Until the recent past, I would spend my lunchtime writing a friend I had become close with over the period of three years, but that friendship has ended and though it still hurts a whole lot more than I want it to, I am slowly adjusting.

Anyway, enough of that...the heart of what I want to say is this: I am so tired of people who are perceived as loners or wanting to be alone somehow being seen as very off...or even worse. That is why I was so thrilled to see this article:


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201406/the-happy-loner 

with emphasis on statements like this one:


"Personally, I'd be more likely to distrust people who can't bear time with themselves. What's wrong with them that they can't abide their own company – what are they trying to hide in the crowd?"


Actually, I do not really think of myself as a complete loner when I am home with my cat. He feels like a companion just as much as a human would be, only one I am more comfortable with for so many reasons. 

It seems like there are many more articles out there 

(like this one: 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/22/britain-loneliness-capital-isolation-being-alone )

and that also thrills me. 

I still miss the friend I was writing with and I will always wonder if she is okay and what went wrong, but here's the thing: when you are a loner and have been for quite some time I think it cushions (even if it is just a tad bit) you better when hurt like "ghosting" comes along.

Music therapy

There is so much healing in listening to music, something I've been doing this evening and which I have not done in ages and ages because my dear cat just does not seem to like it. 

I think I actually scared him when my mood improved upon listening to Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" and I started singing out loud along to it. 

It's not only rather upbeat and something I first heard during my "formative years," it has a great message about not letting someone get to you. Or, at least, that's how I see it and since I really need to see that right now, I will, even if the context isn't exactly the same and I'm not one hundred percent in touch with the lyrics.

My temperament has been very fragile as of late and so that weird giddiness was very brief and I started feeling sad again as "Break My Stride" faded. 

Though I had planned to turn in very early to try and find sleep to escape from that sadness, I realize that I desperately have been needing music and so I kept on with it and my iPhone shuffle brought this to me...something which I have liked for quite some time, and which is especially helping right now. 

With my headphones on, I find great, great comfort in it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQQeNBmRp5o



"Some People"

Some people kill for less
Some people find it hard to get dressed
Some people, well
Ask how old I am

Some people live in a life
Some people need more than a slice
But when it fades
When the glitter's gone

You know it
You owe it to yourself
You won't let it make you mad
It's already crazy

Old and lonely when the shade is down
The brighter lights just smells their empty heads

Some people don't get much
Some people feel they're in touch
With spirit worlds, talking to you now

Some people just gotta say
Some people just wanna play
They get a kick when it's all messed up

You know it
You owe it to yourself
You won't let it make you mad
It's already crazy

You know it
You owe it to yourself
You won't let it make you mad
It's already crazy

And what you thought you lost was just mislaid
All the poems written in your skin

You know it
You owe it to yourself
You won't let it make you mad
It's already crazy

You know it
You owe it to yourself
You won't let it make you mad
It's already crazy

And what you thought you lost was just mislaid
And all the poems written in your skin

Within a week, the Washington Times printed two separate op-ed pieces on how sexual behavior, specifically gay and lesbian sexual behavior, is controllable and how it should be and is morally necessary and responsible to completely squelch. Here, as in previous pieces published in the super, super conservative newspaper, the Washington Times compares homosexuality to infidelity and pedophilia.

While both articles upset me terribly (I happen to believe being gay is completely separate and different from being someone who could cheat on a spouse or sexually abuse anyone) I do agree that sexual acts are definitely things from which we can abstain. 

What I don't agree with is that sexual behavior is the only thing (or even a big thing) about being gay. I think there is so much, much more to being gay than being sexual.

The kind of mentality expressed below and the kind of mentality expressed in the constant homophobia I see expressed in ultra-conservative viewpoints can be devastating and it is often based on hate, fear, complete misunderstanding and even outright lies.

And yet I cannot help but find myself still (even after more than twenty five years of being unable to deny who I am) wanting to "not be gay." I started reading the book pictured ^above^ (whose innocent, promising little cover really just hides the fact it's a somewhat less harsh take on 'ex-gay therapy') and felt more sad than ever. The writer (whom I have no doubt is very sincere in the unintentionally hurtful statements he makes) basically says that giving in to who you are is "self-indulgent."

Maybe so, maybe it is, but I also know (from deep, painful experience and with all my heart) that denying who you really are, fighting that every single day of your life...well, that can also make you think and feel very, very dark thoughts, to the point that you want oblivion, that you no longer want to live.

I honestly do not know what to think and I struggle with this daily, even now in our supposedly more enlightened 2018. Do I believe and try to follow what people like the writers above believe or do I dare hope to believe that writers like this one may, instead, be right?:



In this book is a beautiful passage that goes like this:

...Their gender and sexual orientation is not something controllable or chosen. It cannot be “fixed” through conversion therapy or stern biblical admonitions. It simply is. These people should not be confined to closets as this woman with the issue of blood had been. It was not her strict adherence to the rites and rituals of religion which made her whole. It was her faith. And that faith allowed her to go in peace.

If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, or any other designation; welcome. If you love someone who identifies as one of those designations; welcome. In this space you are safe. In this space you are recognized as a particular expression of the image and likeness of God. In this space you can experience wholeness as a follower of Christ.

In many of these stories, the protagonist dies. Some are murdered by people who consider them subhuman or evil. Others commit suicide, overcome by the ugliness they face, and unable to stand a future of more. Meanwhile, Jesus weeps.

I want to hope that maybe this could be true, but so many, many people (both strangers I meet in books and people I know in real life) tell me otherwise. 

This article from the "Guardian" has one section that really speaks to the experience of being "ghosted":

 Leaver agrees that it is important to “operate with empathy to both ghosters and ghostees”, but she says that, regardless of their motivation, people who ghost need to realise that their actions “can be extremely hurtful and painful. I do stand by [using the words] ‘cruel’ and ‘cowardly’, but that’s not said without empathy or compassion,” She adds. “I think it’s important for us to understand why it’s happening, in order to encourage it to stop.”

The rest of the article is here:

 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/31/ghosting-busters-why-tech-companies-trying-stop-blanking-each-other

 https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/31/ghosting-busters-why-tech-companies-trying-stop-blanking-each-other

I think what hurts most about being ghosted is that you will never find out what you did wrong or how you can improve on what you did do wrong...or, worse, never know what happened to someone you really cared about...

After the tv show "Fringe" was cancelled I never thought I would become as gaga again over any show (even "Timeless" which I like a lot, but comes nowhere near close to having the heart and soul and fun of what has come to take a big place in my heart when it comes to entertainment).

from allabouttvnews.com

 

There are so many wonderful reasons to love "DC's Legends of Tomorrow," but I think what grabs me and gets to me the most are the heartfelt and endearing qualities of so many of the characters, including Zari, who is pictured above and appeared as a regular during the third season.

Among the most heartfelt are amazing scenes where characters say thinks I have felt or hope to feel someday, including a scene where Wally West (a speedster along the same vein as Flash and also pictured above) says :

Oh, um, so you're just here to hurt me? Well, you can't. I'm... I'm actually glad that you broke my heart. You know, I traveled because of you. I found some kind of inner peace. I made new friends. One day, I'm gonna fall in love with someone, and that person isn't gonna be you.


 

Maybe it is the opposite of romantic, but I'd rather be boring than have a broken heart...and being practical and realistic makes for a much better way of surviving in this harsh and very un-romantic world. 

My formerly romantic side used to give me such grief that I am extremely grateful I have finally woken from the stupor I was in for way longer than I ever, ever should have been. Lately, when I see the person I like (or rather the person I still like, but have also managed to gain a huge amount of perspective in terms of how ridiculous my heart has been about all of this) I wonder how I ever let myself care so much about someone I mean so little to...

In life, it should not be a "tit for tat" kind of thing in that you only like someone who likes you back...I am not talking about that, but about keeping one's reason and emotional intelligence intact when it comes to how futile, painful and even harmful to your life unrequited feelings are. With the universe and my conscience as a witness, I am going to do my very, very best to make sure I stay level about this and remember that realizing someone not only does not like you back, but thinks poorly of you does not have to mean your world is over. 

Whenever I struggle with how someone sees me I always think of my favorite show "Golden Girls" and how, during one episode, after (I think) Dorothy insults her, Rose says "Well, that's fifteen more minutes in front of the mirror saying 'I am a good person, I am a good person.'"

I do not want (and hope I never do) to lose the part of me that cares about people in general, but I also would like to just keep my heart permanently closed in the safest and best way possible. 

Some of the ways for me to best get back on the road I belong are: focusing on my cat (whom I adore more than I ever could have imagined), the people who do (?) seem to like me, my job and the little things that give me moments of joy (i.e. "DC's Legends of Tomorrow" is a surprisingly fun, funny and feel-good show that has an amazing cast you would just love to hang out with if they were real people).

Happy Halloween

The only time I ever feel completely at home with myself is on Halloween. This is a huge part of why it is my absolute favorite holiday and yet I also love the day because it feels like something dreadful is on the rise as I try desperately (desperately)




to clutch on to the last day of 'okayness' before holiday hoopla kicks into full gear and the madness begins.

Halloween (to me, at least) celebrates the person who doesn't fit in, the person who needs to hide behind something else, so that (even if it is just for the very shortest of time) you can feel as if you're outside of your skin (where you never really feel at ease) instead of inside it..

After finding myself almost desperately wanting to fill the void left by my watching the mesmerizing and deeply affecting "The Haunting of Hill House," I am now attempting to take on Netflix's "The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina"...and with some serious doubt.

There is a lot to like about it, including the title character's endearing ways of looking out for her friends and tackling very important issues and the way she treats her cat/familiar Salem. I could totally immerse myself in this CW-but-darker take on Sabrina except (and here I have huge reservations) for the predominant references to the Devil, whether it be through referencing "The Dark Lord," the use of "Hail Satan" or the "dark baptisms" taking place.

I want to be able to let my fuddy duddiness go, take it all tongue in cheek, but I feel like it is a very shady area, where main characters are embracing the dark side instead of fighting it. And I guess the Christian side of me is having a very hard time with it because I am used to "bad guys" aligning themselves with demons and that like. 

In addition to other changes I am trying to make in my life I am really, really, really wanting to step away from anything that has any kind of evil undertones. Watching "The Haunting of Hill House" (as spectacular as it is) took a lot out of me emotionally and I realized, both during and after watching it, that I want to stop feeding the heartfelt side of me that seems to crave very dark or emotional storylines.

Reading up more on "The Chilling Adventures" (in terms of reviews) it seems I am not the only one a bit concerned about its devilish side. Others have expressed discomfort with it as well, but I have discovered some intriguing reviews that make me think maybe I should just lighten up a bit and realize that devil worship is not the main point and that "the Dark Lord" may be symbolic rather than literal.

https://www.glamour.com/story/chilling-adventures-of-sabrina-review

I'm a bit confused that it seems to pass muster on the rather conservative website Common Sense Media, but maybe that's a good thing and a sign I should not be taking this all so seriously:

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/the-chilling-adventures-of-sabrina

I can always change my mind further down the road. I have to admit it is not pulling me in the way "The Haunting of Hill House" did (which I binge-watched in two nights) and maybe that is a reflection on the show itself and not any content I am worried about...

...and that's perfectly okay!!

I have recently returned to writing in my journal and I am finding I much prefer (mostly) keeping my thoughts private to sharing them with someone else. Not too long ago I lost (although I am not sure "lost" is the right word) what I thought was a very special, three year long friendship that meant the world to me, but I have now had to gain much-needed perspective on, in terms of closure and reality.

In addition to writing in my journal again (and all the advice out there that says journal-keeping is very therapeutic is right on) I have also been reading older entries in hopes that I may find I have improved even just a little bit in how I see things and in my wanting to let go of the things that deeply and painfully bother me.

One aspect I feel I have grown much better in is in taking more responsibility for my own feelings and in my not letting others' actions get to me so much. The most important thing I have come to realize is that I, alone, am responsible for my feelings, no one else, even if that "no one else" has been hurtful or downright cruel.

I think back to when I was trying to date and some of the rather unbelievable things people would say to me. One woman I met declined to tell me she was married until we had been corresponding for several weeks and were on our first and only date (though "date" is a word I am using very loosely now and purely in retrospect). Only then did she tell me and very, very casually as if it were just a form of "disclosure" she wanted to slip by me without any consequences.

"I want the benefits of being in a traditional marriage while still being able to embrace my lesbian side." She confided and I just started at her, horrified at this woman who wanted her cake and to eat it too.

Maybe I am just being incredibly harsh and very narrow-minded in saying this, but I will anyway: I have no patience for people who want to stay in a relationship and date outside it, none at all. Look, I get being in the closet, I really, really, really do. Half of me is still in there. BUT even if I did want to date, I would never, ever, ever date someone while she or I were in a relationship with other people. 

When I look back, I cannot believe I ever tried to date. I am just not dating material nor will I ever be and there is just too much drama out there, way, way, way too much. This is on me, though, more than on other people. I am too rigid, too full of doubts, too not ready for any kind of emotional or physical intimacy, ever. I was trying too hard to find something I don't think I ever truly wanted in the first place and I have made my peace with that and am actually (in terms of my being single) stronger for it. 

Even more beneficial to my own personal strength...I have come to realize that even if the person I have one-sided feelings for were single and did feel the same (however science fiction-y that is, and, believe me, it is science fiction-y!) I would still be this way about remaining single. Somehow, knowing that is healing to me and maybe a huge step in my finally (maybe?) being able to truly let go of these unnecessary and unwanted emotions inside.

And on top of all that is this, which I firmly believe to be true: not every one needs to be paired up nor does every one want to be. One of the biggest lies out there in the world is that there is "the one" or that there is "a pot for every lid." This is simply not true and it is not fair to those desperately still looking nor those individuals who are perfectly fine being "unpaired" to make them feel as if they are somehow missing a part of themselves by not going off into the sunset with Mr. or Miss Right. It is perfectly okay (and I mean this in the purest and least 'new-agey' way) to be your own "one."

I saw this article and it really, really speaks to me:

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/16-signs-your-cat-is-the-love-of-your-life


I think of my cat (in a different way than I would a human, of course, but still just as strongly) as the love of my life. Not only that, he makes me laugh, he's always there for me, we hang out together lots and I'm pretty sure I've never known anyone as sweet as he is. 

It may sound absolutely kooky to non-pet people, but I truly believe a pet can be the love of your life.

I have been torn about blogging lately because I have been feeling so very sad about things going on in the world and I do not want to be a sad blogger nor do I want to wallow in my sadness.

Despite all that there is joy and for me that joy is my cat, whom I love more than I could ever have imagined possible when he first came into my life. My ideal day off is spent with my cat, playing with him when he is awake and reading a good book when he is asleep.

If only everyone could see it this way:




from Brainpickings:

To love every fiber of another’s being with every fiber of your own is a rare, beautiful, and thoroughly disorienting experience — one which the term in love feels too small to hold. Its fact becomes a gravitational center of your emotional universe so powerful that the curvature of language and reality bends beyond recognition, radiating Nietzsche’s lamentation that language is not the adequate expression of all realities. The consummate reality of such a love is the native poetry of existence, known not in language but by heart.

The uncontainable, unclassifiable beauty of such love is what French writer Thomas Scotto explores with great tenderness in Jerome by Heart (public library), translated by Claudia Bedrick and Karin Snelson, and illustrated by the ever-wonderful Olivier Tallec — the story of a little boy named Raphael and his boundless adoration for another little boy, Jerome, which unfolds in Scotto’s lovely words like a poem, like a song.

the rest is here:

https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/03/29/jerome-by-heart/

I saw this in a recent issue of Woman's Day magazine and I could not help but think of someone that I really look up to at work and how true it is, not only about her but anyone in our lives who makes us feel this way:

Even though we are not the friends I wish we were, she inspires me (and others) and I am not sure if she knows this or not. Unfortunately I could never tell her this without sounding weird or like a flake so I am saying it here, though I know it will go unseen by her.

I'm having such a hard time letting go of wanting closure. There is "before" and "after" and "before" I met my friend and we started writing and became faithful correspondents I used to find journaling and anonymously blogging enough. Now, though, now that I know what it is like to share thoughts and feelings with someone else almost every day for almost three years and then not have that anymore, well, it hurts. 

And the lack of closure, the disappearance...well, how can you not blame yourself and torture yourself with what you did wrong? When your trust was shaky "before" and you let yourself be open with someone else in a way you never had before and then things change, well that only compounds it all. 

It is my fault, of course, how I choose to deal with this, but I am still just so lost and sad. "Ghosting" seems to be almost exclusively linked to dating and relationships but it hurts as well when it happens in friendships.

to feel like you're from another planet...

I love wikihow, even their advice on trying to get past the pain of losing a friend is good:

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Friends-Who-No-Longer-Want-to-Be-Friends-With-You

I struggle with what to do with all the emails from the friendship I am still missing so much and I know the advice to delete them is probably really, really good advice, but I just cannot bring myself to do so. There are some of the most wonderful correspondence I ever had in my life...

Now that I know what I know it hurts more than I could have imagined to read older ones and yet I know good advice when I see it  :(

As I sometimes struggle with how others behave I cannot help but think about a recent episode of "Bob's Burgers" and something wonderful that Tina said. On really hard days I try to remember and hold this close:


Maybe we all have a little bully inside of us. Maybe when we think people are being mean to us it can make us mean. But even if people are difficult we have to resist, we have to try to be nice. Maybe it will bring out the nice in other people-<3 #BobsBurgers


And on days when it seems like there is a disproportionate number of 'mean people' I also try and take a step back and wonder if I might be the one with the problem. 

I remember reading a long time ago, though I cannot remember where and cannot find it on Google, that if one or two people give you trouble it is probably them. If more than that do, then it might be you, even if you are not aware you are doing anything wrong or would never intentionally do so. I say 'you' very generically as I believe this is something I need to work on.

I watched "Dickensian" for the first time a few months ago and loved it far, far more than I ever could have dreamed, especially since I am not a big Dickens fan and had already kind of half-formed in my mind what the series would be like. I could not have been more wrong and despite hoping to watch it piecemeal so that it would last as long as possible I still ended up binge-watching it. I recommended it to some customers at the library where I work and they came back later and told me they loved it, too, and we got to talk about it, which I always find one of the best parts about reading a book or watching a tv show.

Despite my not being a Dickens fan I have always been drawn to Miss Havisham's part in Great Expectations and, sure enough, her story line (meshed in with those of all sorts of Dickensian characters, thus the name of the British drama) is as mesmerizing as it is heartbreaking. Tuppence Middleton is outstanding as Miss Havisham and, dare I say, may be the best one ever!

So when I read the article below (emphasis on the highlighted portion) I felt almost vindicated on Miss Havisham's behalf:

http://www.signature-reads.com/2018/03/heres-miss-havisham-can-teach-us-grief/?cdi=23CF0F99DEDE2BF3E0534FD66B0A902E&ref=PRH24BB520913



"Yet the  backstory interrupts notions Miss Havisham had been some delicate flower. Instead, evidence suggests that she had been a powerful woman who was strong enough to guard her own interests against the overt machinations of her half-brother, and she had felt confident in her self at such a level that she trusted that her evaluation of her fiancé was the correct one. Rather than allow herself to be talked out of pursuing her heart’s desire, she had stood up to those who had used bullying tactics to try to get her to give up her lover. Thus, when he failed to show up for their wedding, this wasn’t just a matter of losing a love relationship: it meant that Miss Havisham had learned that she could not trust her own judgment. Her belief in herself shatters in response to the betrayal, and Miss Havisham goes into an extended period of mourning. But the grief, I would argue, is not for the lost love. The grief is for herself and the complete loss of faith in her own abilities to understand people."

The tree outside my window has been a surprisingly lovely refuge for me over the years, no matter what the season. In fall it looks so lush and its many, many leaves help me feel sheltered. In the winter (unless it's snowing) its very bareness reminds me that though things can get bad they will not always be bad...because spring (or so the calendar says) is right around the corner.

And the thing that makes me most happy about that tree is that my cat seems to really like it, too, and the window that gives him the view:

Books and cats and music...all can be so healing.

As I slowly start to feel less pain over things that have been happening for a while now and that I long should have gotten past and as I also accept that I cannot change the heartbreaking parts of life, I find myself beginning to become interested (really interested) in things like books again. And I cannot help but think of this wonderful quote from T.H. White's The Once and Future King:

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

ghosting hurts, no matter why someone does it...

Perception is reality is a saying I believe very much. Because we all have different life experiences and often see things in ways unique to us (I think) it is impossible not to see things different than they may actually be.

It is only recently that I heard the term "ghosting," whereupon someone in a friendship or relationship slowly (or maybe not always so slowly) just disappears, by not emailing or texting or calling anymore. They fade away, thereby the "ghosting."

I do not consider myself a very good person. I have done things I am not proud of and I believe, because of my own thinking and because of things I have been told by others, that being gay is sinful, at least according to the Bible. I have, though, been a good friend to the person who has "ghosted" me...or at least I think I have been.

Being told "I am not mad at you" or "it's not you, it's me" as the person backs away (in this case, metaphorically) may be a more gentle kind of ghosting than others, but it is still ghosting and it still hurts very, very much. This person and I confided in each other often and said things we might not have said to other people. I cannot, however, in good faith (or any kind of faith) reach out to see if I am actually being "ghosted," even if that is not the reality that is happening.

In my mind, with my past experiences, perception is reality and my perception tells me that this person, while possibly taking a less direct and even perhaps (I stress perhaps) cowardly approach, no longer wants anything to do with me. She most likely thinks she is being kind by not telling me the truth. But as an old Russian proverb goes: "It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie." 


I thought I was okay with the end of this friendship (or what seems like the end of it), but I am not. I want closure, I want to know what I did wrong. The thing is...there is no way I can or will ever get it because to contact this person would be wrong and disrespectful of boundaries. All I can do is hope she is okay and move on, trying to forget that for almost three years, just shy of a few days, we told each other so many things and (I thought) helped each other with a pain we shared in common. I wish her well, always, even if she will never know this or would not care if she did.




**This article is helpful and can help put things in perspective if something like this happened to you:


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201705/6-ways-deal-the-pain-being-ghosted


I especially like this part, which may not make it right, but makes absolute sense, even if it still hurts:


5. Even if it isn't something you would do, it can help you to move on if you make some room for the possibility that the person who ghosted you thought that he or she was doing the right thing. It may have been cowardly, but I have been told by some people who have ghosted someone else that they believed it was the easiest way to let the other person down. "It's better than some lame excuse that just makes the other person feel bad anyway," said one woman. "The message gets across."

When I was in high school this was one of my absolute favorite novels and when I recently re-discovered the very same copy that I bought at a B. Dalton bookstore in the mid-80s I was thrilled, both to find it again and to re-read it and realize I had not built up its greatness in my mind.

There is a new biography (out this month) on Agatha Christie that I have only just started, but am already liking. There is so much I did not know about her, including her very deep love for music and yet I can recognize in words she wrote about her own life what has always drawn me to Giant's Bread 

Author Laura Thompson (who spends quality time on Agatha Christie's books as well as her life) writes this about what led up to writing Giant's Bread:

"Sane, wise, realistic Agatha: her idea of misery, in the confessions entry that she made in 1903, was to 'wish for the unattainable,' and this was what she truly believed."

Talking about giving up what she loves most, character Jane Harding says, "I pretend I don't mind-but I do...I do. I loved singing. I loved it, loved it, loved it."

That horrible pain that comes with giving up something close to you is captured so well, both in the words themselves and the cover (one of many different ones over the years and, I think, the best).

wonderful passages from “iZombie” early on in the show:

-Liv Moore: The passionate mind is selfish. It's so focused on what it desires, reason becomes background noise. Javier's brain made me cross the line that divides what I long for and what I can never have. There were so many nights I could have been with Major that I stayed home studying. Days I could have spent sucking the marrow out of life I spent building a resume for a life I'd never have. There were parts of me that were dead even before I became a zombie. So, maybe, that means that it's possible for me to spring to life. Even now that I'm dead.

-Liz: “And I’m not over it at all. I need to get there eventually...what’s the alternative? Stay in love with a guy (girl) I can never be with?”

-Maybe it’s better I’m radioactive, that I repel the people I love. Keep things simple. Harden yourself, Liv. You’re a monster.

Hoping to return here more regularly to write (even if is just to spill thoughts and feelings that will never ever be read by another soul, I still need to shed them)  and to move past some things that have happened that have both taken (and not taken) me by surprise. 

Really, not much surprises me anymore except that the heart does go on even after it feels like it has been completely broken and that you can go on too. And maybe not everyone would get this, but I really, really, really believe that my cat is why I am not bitter or sad or anything else bad that can happen when your heart feels like it is breaking because you dared to trust another human being could find something to like about you and want to be your friend and never hurt you.

Despite the contrary, despite all the stereotypes out there, I also really, really, really believe that cat ladies survive and even go on to thrive and that cats (or dogs or bunnies or gerbils or hedgehogs or any other animal that can be a pet) are a source of fresh air and inspiration, not a reason to shut one's self off from the world and all the wonderful things it still has to offer despite so often being a very scary place.

as seen on Pinterest

For inspiration...

Reading an interview with Kylie Minogue (who sounds not only like a sweet person, but also like a real class act) in a recent Sunday Times article I felt so much of what she had to share jump at out at me, but no two parts more than these:

I think a big part of me has been almost immobilized by things that have been going on, so much so that except for getting up to take care of my cat and be there for him as he is there for me I was finding it pretty much impossible to get through each day. I still care (very much so) about the things and the people who have so deeply affected me, but the difference now is that I not only need to get over it I have to...and I am hoping that the quiet little voice whispering inside me ("Maybe it's not too late to start over, maybe you haven't completely ruined things, maybe she doesn't know how you feel about her") is right...